She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, December 31, 2010

New York - The City That Never Plows

Well, New York City certainly has a big fat snowy mess on their hands, don’t they? Now down here in Texas, we turn into a bunch of asshats when it snows. We have no flipping idea how to drive when there’s frozen precipitation on the roads. We oscillate between the “yahoo” Texans who try to see how fast they can drive and the overcautious “pokey-asses” who drive 25 mph and just get in everyone’s way.

However, I expected better of NYC. They are supposed to be prepared for this type of situation, and know how to deal with snow. It’s in the North, for cripe’s sake!

I’ve heard a myriad of excuses floating around, including that the city’s union sanitation workers stalled their plowing efforts a bit in protest of budget cuts and layoffs. You know, if the city had already laid off 400 workers and were planning further budget cuts, I think I would get my ass to work.

Let me give you a little hint: This is NOT the way to keep your job. Ineffectiveness during a crisis will not be a gold star on your resume, mmmm-kay? So get your overpaid asses on those machines, and PLOW! In this economy, you should be glad you still have a job, you dickwads.

 I’ve also heard that the independent contractors didn’t show up with their snowplows, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. WTF? If they have a contract with a business, and they don’t show up to do the specified job (like plowing snow after a big ass snowstorm), then their contract should be immediately voided, and their business dropped from consideration for any future contracts.

Even way down here in the South, we were aware that a blizzard was about to hit New York several days ahead of time. Perhaps it would have been prudent to contact these snow plowers and get their collective ducks in a row BEFORE the storm hit. But that would require using some common sense, and we all know that that’s not how government works.

The other rumor is that it was just not affordable to run all of the snowplows because it costs a million dollars for each inch of snow to be plowed. You’ve gotta be shitting me! You people need to learn to negotiate better. Just go car shopping with me, and I’ll school you on the art of negotiation. I can’t reveal my secrets on here, but I will divulge that it involves a lot of bullshitting and a gallon of battery acid. I’m like the McGyver of negotiating.

There was about 20 inches of snowfall, so that would be $20 million dollars, right?  I’ll tell you what, Mayor Bloomberg…I will help you save 50% on this deal.

You give me $10 million, and I will drive my happy ass to New York and plow the damn snow myself. For that price, I could buy a few snowplows and hire some homeless people to drive them for $5 an hour and a gift card to Cooter’s Liquor and Spirits, and I would still come home richer than when I left.

For $10 million, I would buy extension cords and hair dryers and melt the goddamn snow.

For $10 million, I would kill baby seals and use their warm blood to melt away the 20 inches of accumulation.

I’ll be waiting to hear from you, Mayor. I accept PayPal, or you can just wire the money directly to my bank account.

Anyone want to be on my snowplow team? The benefits are undeniably lucrative!


  1. I agree with you. For 10 million, I would piss all over the snow to melt it.

  2. So I can add you to my team? I think the Cooter's gift card will help with your pissing efforts.

  3. We can form our own Union! Think about it, we'd have jobs for life. AND get paid twice as much as a normal non-union worker. We'd be rich, because piss is free.

    I'm in. Except I really just want to sit inside the warm plow and drive it for $50/hour. Will that work? I promise to hit cars and bust fire hydrants. I might even run over a dog or five.

  4. Agreed. For 10 million, i would totally eat it and then shit to melt it.

    oh wait a min though, that would create another big mess to clean up, a mess of shit!.

    Aight, I quit and let opto-mom and company have the money.

  5. I'll work for you. I'm great at answering phones.

  6. I love all of you, and would be proud to hire you for my plowing team. And I'm durnk...I mean dnurk...Shit, you know what I'm saying, bitches.

  7. - Very cute, funny and informative too! Good job. And you told me you weren't're a lil' fibber, aren't ya? Made me laugh. Keep it up.

  8. Sign me up. I could use a couple extra mil.

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