She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!



Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Shopping Guide for the Freaks on Your List

Do you find it difficult to find useful, original gifts for some of your loved ones? Or perhaps you’re looking for a present for the person who has everything.


Well, I’ve decided to make my very best talent available to you. No not that one…that’s illegal in most states…I mean the OTHER talent. That’s right - I’m talking about shopping.


So without further ado, I present to you (drum roll, please)…


OPTO-MOM’S SUPER FANTABULOUS CHRISTMAS SHOPPING GUIDE
(aka OPTO-MOM’S CHRISTMAS WISH LIST)

Do you know someone who is a dog lover? Or someone who has lost a cherished pet this year? Then this is the gift for them! Bring back fond memories of shit bombs all over their house and yard.

Give the gift of poo in a monthly view with THE 2011 DOG POOP CALENDAR.



The gift that keeps on giving - all year long!

                                                                                                 
Now, here is a gift that everyone can use, but it is especially appreciated by those with gastrointestinal difficulties. If your friends enjoy Taco Bell, but not the mess it leaves behind, then this is a perfect gift for them.

Let your friends be distincter with a sanitized sphincter - buy them FANNY FLOSS!

Flushable and biodegradable. Not recommended for multiple use.

                                                                                                 
Oh, looky! A calendar for the ladies.  Also, if you have a friend, or perhaps an uncle, who has a little sugar in his britches (that’s Southern-talk for “gay”) then buy him this adorable new calendar so he can keep up with his gay pride activities and hair appointments.
See hot dudes and cuties, but no naked booties in THE 2011 HOT GUYS AND BABY ANIMALS CALENDAR.

Does it seem creepy to see a half-naked man holding a sheep?



                                                                                                 
Since kids today have so many electronic devices to enjoy, it's important to nurture their creative sides by encouraging them to do crafts and do-it-yourself kits.  This one seemed to test well in focus groups.

Your kids won't be hostile with this up their nostril - it's the LINE-O-COKE do-it-yourself kit.

Recommended for ages 7 and up.
                                                                                                 
This next item is a must-have for the Rocky fan on your list.  You can select from Rocky, Mr. T, and Apollo Creed, and plug their man parts right into your computer as they do crunches!

What could be cuter than Rocky's crotch in your 'puter?  If you said, "nothing," then buy the ROCKY AND FRIENDS USB DRIVES!

Sorry, Adrian!  He's mine now!
                                                                                                 
Everyone knows that little girls like baby dolls.  There are dolls that poop, pee, eat, cry, and sleep.  But this baby will really make your little princess appreciate all that she has.


Your kid will be pumped for this dolly with stumps. It's the AMPUTEE DOLL!

Nothing says fun like a double amputee doll.


                                                                                                 
Well, I hope this shopping guide has been helpful for you.  Let me know how your loved ones like the fabulous gifts!

5 comments:

  1. I laugh every time I see the line-o-coke pic.

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  2. I'd like a plush sperm pillow and a Build-A-Beaver. Actually, I'll take two of each. Thanks.

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  3. Dazee - I was totally thinking of you when I put the "Shit Bitch You Is Fine" teddy bear on there.

    Oilfield - It's fun for the whole family!

    Gini - A little birdie told me that you shouldn't buy them yet. (Hint, hint)

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  4. Wow - these are hilarious. Sad thing is I know people I could buy them for!!

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