She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Newsflash That Has NOTHING To Do With Anyone Protesting Anything

Kit at Blogging Dangerously asked me to guest post for her.  Go check it out here!  It's about porn.  Now I know you're all going to look.  PERVS!!!

Now back to your regularly scheduled program:

Since I’m tired of seeing people protest in foreign countries like Egypt, Libya, and Wisconsin, I thought I would start my own news program right here on the Opto-Mom Blog. Some of these issues are recent; a few are a little older, but I felt that they definitely required my attention.


Saudi Arabia recently held its “Most Beautiful Goat” contest in Riyadh. Miss Riyadh, clearly the hometown favorite, won the coveted title, along with a year’s supply of tin cans. Her owner won a year’s supply of K-Y Jelly.
"Help meeeeee!  He touches me in my no-no place!"
There was some controversy at the goat pageant when Miss Tabuk took the stage in a skimpy red two-piece swimsuit during the swimwear competition. It was a daring move on her part, but she handled the heckling with grace and strutted her stuff confidently. Her music of choice was “Supermodel.”

I'm too sexy for this cage!

Supermodel, work (cover girl!),
Work it, girl (give us a twirl!),
Do your thang,
On the runway.

Miss Jeddah won the titel of Miss Congeniality, which was voted on by her peers. She had recently overcome an eating disorder, and blew the audience and judges away with her speech entitled, “Fat Goats Give Better Lovin‘.” I tell you, there was not a dry eye in the place.
The Bulging Beauty from Jeddah

The whole pageant was udderly fantastic.


Studies show that individuals with dwarfism in a remote community of Ecuador rarely get diabetes or cancer. I knew those little guys were magical! Maybe it’s the rainbows that keep the diseases away.

I guess this proves the old adage that “bigger is not always better.”


Lana Lawless was a women’s long-drive champion. Before that, she was a 245-pound SWAT member…and a man. The Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) denied her application to qualify for their tour, citing that participants must be born female to compete.

Now Mister Miss Lawless is suing because her rights have been violated. (After all, it says right there in the Constitution that playing pro golf is a right endowed by our creator. Seriously! Google it!)

There is a reason that the women have their own organization and don’t usually compete with the men. In general, men drive the ball harder and longer than women. Just because she got her weiner whacked off and added some boobs, it doesn’t mean that she has lost that advantage.

Her femininity is obvious.
As my grandma used to say, “You can butter my ass up, but it doesn’t make me a biscuit.”

On a related note, I was thinking about growing fur so I could be in that goat pageant next year. I would totally kick those bitches’ asses! Have you seen me in an evening gown? Baaaaaaaah!


  1. Goat pageant!?! - simply maaaamaaaaavelous!LOL!

  2. Girl, grab some Rogaine and your bikini, and join me!!!

  3. omg, you are my hero. only you would have come up with a goat pageant.

  4. Oh my this was freaking hilarious. Love it.

  5. I totally voted for The Bulging Beauty from Jeddah!

    Also, I'm terrified of that bitch. Holy Lord. I have a feeling she can do some interesting things with that golf club. Hole in one, anybody?

  6. Oh yeah, well I actually knew someone in my hometown who had made love to a sheep once. Not his exact words for the action though, I cleaned it up a bit. He also told me how to do it, by using hip-waders so they couldn't get away. Pretty ingenious actually. I was a young, impressionable kid so I was eager to learn. Thanks, Uncle.

  7. @Dazee - If that's all it took, I would have written this earlier.

    @Oilfield - Thanks! And I think Lana Lawless is single. Let me know if you want a hook up!

    @Gini - I thought the hole in one comment was bad...until I read Ted's right below you.

    @Ted - Uhhhhhh. Hope you didn't use this advice. My dad and his friends caught a man having sex with a cow when they were in Jr. High. This inspired my dad to write a song about it (when he was an adult) called "Kiss an Angus Good Morning."

  8. I love your grandma's saying.. I'm stealing it.. for real. it's going to be stolen...

  9. Loved your post @ Blogging Dangerously.

    That goat pageant beats all though. Too funny!