She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Wash Your Arse, and Leave the Baby with Grandma!

Well, I went back to Dallas on Friday. If you read my other post about my last trip to Dallas, I know what you’re thinking:

Do this bitch be crazy????

Don’t worry! There were no hookers and butt plugs that would make Godzilla cry on this trip. I went with my daughter’s 4th Grade Choir for a competition being held at a water park. I helped to chaperone 47 9- and 10-year-old kids around a gazillion gallons of water. Now I really know what you’re thinking:

Do this bitch be crazy???

Ummmm, yeah, probably. At least I drove my car and didn’t have to ride the bus. That would have brought back all kinds of disturbing memories from high school (which may or may not have included hookers and giant butt plugs)…but that’s another story.

When we got to the water park, I went to the bathroom, and noticed this sign on the door of the stall.

So, let’s just take these tips one-by-one.

1. PLEASE don’t swim when you have diarrhea, especially kids in diapers.

REALLY? I’m disturbed that they actually had to write this down and post it on the door. Because I know that when I have diarrhea, my first thought is, “Hey, I think I’ll run down to the water park and blow mud in the pool.”

Nothing says “cure for diarrhea” like the scorching Texas sun, greasy food, and thousands of screaming kids.

I definitely wouldn’t want to stay around the house near a bathroom. Oh, nooooo! That’s not nearly as adventurous as having that bubbling feeling in your lower tract and having to race 200 yards, dodging kids, to get to a toilet before you shit yourself.

People, please stay at home when you’ve got intestinal problems. Because having the squirts is definitely a prime opportunity for explosive sharting to occur. And trust me, none of us want to see that. Especially if you’re going down a water slide.

I’ll just leave you with that enchanting picture in your head, and move on to #2.

2. PLEASE don’t swallow the pool water.

Thanks to Captain Obvious for adding this one to the list. Did you even read tip #1?

3. PLEASE practice good hygiene. Take a shower before swimming, and wash your hands with soap and water after using the toilet and changing diapers.

Again, isn’t this obvious? Or are there people out there who think that if they’re going swimming they don’t have to take a shower for a week before? After all, the chlorine will get ya clean. 

Never mind that you smell like an emu's ass before you get in the water.  We don't mind!

I know I can't stand to go without a shower.  I've gotta wash the odor of KY Jelly and gigolos off of my skin. 

Wait!  What was the question?  Ummmm, please disregard that last part.

Let’s just talk about hand washing for a minute. I learned when I was a toddler to wash my hands after going to the bathroom. (Thanks, Mom!) Yet, they have signs in bathrooms all across the country reminding us to wash our hands. Seriously, wash your damn hands after touching your no-no poopy spot. The rest of us don’t want your hiney germs.

4. PLEASE take your kids on bathroom breaks and check diapers often.

If you need a sign in a bathroom to tell you this, you probably don’t need to have custody of your children.

5. PLEASE change diapers in a bathroom and not at pool side.

Yes, PLEASE! While you may think your baby’s tushy is adorable and that their shit don’t stink, the rest of us are not quite so enamored of asses and poo when we’re trying to relax at the pool.

And what is with everyone bringing babies to water parks and amusement parks? They can’t enjoy the slides and rides. They are usually hot, sunburned, and miserable the whole time, so just stop already!

6. PLEASE wash your child thoroughly with soap and water before swimming.

This goes back to #3 regarding showering. Don’t you bathe your baby anyway? If not, please see #4.

So, there are the rules, along with my expert analysis. It basically boils down to: Use proper hygiene and common sense, and leave the babies at home.

By the way, the choir kiddos did an awesome job and got a SUPERIOR rating, which was the highest rating possible. Thanks to the choir director, who is the most awesome music teacher in the world!

A big thank you also goes out to the teachers and other parents who came out to chaperone these great kids! Your patience is amazing, and I couldn’t think of a more fun group of people to spend my Friday with!

Now, let’s go next time WITHOUT the kids.


  1. Ugh- I'm sensing a theme at this water park & it's not appealing. I wouldn't dip my big toe in that water!

  2. wow, after your commentary, I will NOT be going to the local water park. Oh wait, if I did, they would think a beached whale just showed up.

  3. haha! Yeah, I was about to say, "Please don't swallow the pool water WHEN you have diarrhea" but you beat me to the punchline! Gah!

  4. blow mud in the pool <--- hahahahaha

    Seriously, why taking toddlers to a public pool? I don't think ill understand that.

  5. Oh yeah, you had me at "Do this bitch be crazy?" and "the squirts" You have such a gifted way with words! :-)
    Thanks for making me think of warm fun times in the sun and scuzzy bacteria-filled water while we're drowning in months of nonstop rain and cold temps in NE Ohio! Oh a girl can dream...

  6. S - Yes, we must protect our toes!

    Dazee - Trust me, you would look fine. Have you seen what some people wear at the water park? Apparently, the local Wal-Mart ran out of swimsuits in a 4XL size, so everyone just bought a Medium.

    Sandra - I always try to stay one step ahead!

    PorkStar - It's my goal in life to never do that!

    Ang - Thanks! Feel free to use these terms in your day-to-day life, as you deem appropriate.

  7. Wow! There are so many rules to learn before you go swimming in a public pool. I see that there is no mention of peeing in the pool, so that should be safe right?

  8. hulo i dun joyned yo bloog cuz u b a pretie woomin. kin wee hav sax noww?

    cinsurlee da blak geanyiz