She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, June 17, 2011

I've Invented The Alcohol/Caffeine/Sugar/Salt Diet!

Does anyone else find themselves tempted to click on every article that touts “the best diet of the year!” or “reduce belly fat with this one simple tip!”?

Then you get to the page showing the “before” and “after” pics. Apparently, these diets and medications cause women to get a tan, have a teeth-whitening procedure, put on some makeup, and brush their goddamn hair.

Because the “before” pictures look like me when I wake up from hibernation in the middle of winter (picture Don King as a grumpy white woman). And the “after” pics look like a gussied-up, over-tanned teenager before prom.
Fixed hair, got some contacts and a spray tan.
All she did was suck in her gut and take her hair out of that ponytail.

She switched out her grandma's shirt for a fitted tee and then photoshopped the pic.
(Look at the difference in the length of her legs.)
She got rid of that horrible 80's hairdo and that snazzy denim blouse.
And the tan...don't forget the tan!
This is a dramatic weight loss and change in skin color.
Also, doesn't the "before" pic look like the chick from "Silence of the Lambs?"
Hey, I can see my goober now!
Anyway, I clicked on one of these links the other day. I knew better, but gosh darn it…it sounded so promising! I mean, it’s the same diet that Jennifer Aniston or some other skinny bitch uses.

Let me clarify. It’s some skinny RICH bitch that either doesn’t have kids or has the money to pay someone to watch her kids while she “trains” and eats her chef-prepared lunch in her sunroom.

Since I’m absolutely positive that this is the diet that is going to make me look like a supermodel, I thought I would share it with my blog family, just because I’m cool like that.

First of all, it says that some weight gain can be attributed to stress, and the top stress-causing culprits are: sugar, caffeine, salt, and alcohol. So avoid these items.

Wait. Seriously? Sugar, caffeine, salt, and alcohol are the only things that keep me from committing murder at least 4 times a day. So, that’s totally gotta be a mis-print. I’m sure they meant to say that you SHOULD NOT avoid these items.

So make sure to ingest lots of sugar, caffeine, salt, and alcohol every day. Here are the rest of your diet suggestions.

Breakfast for the first day: quinoa flakes or steel-cut oats with fresh berries and flax seeds.

Mmmmmmm. Flax seeds. Yummy. Talk about motivation! I don’t know what the hell steel-cut oats are, but it sounds scary, so I’m gonna skip that part. I’ll just eat a bowl of Frankenberry. See? You’ve got your berries, and I’m pretty sure the little marshmallows can be substituted for quinoa.

So my breakfast will include Frankenberry, a Dr. Pepper (for the caffeine), and some bacon (for the salt). What am I forgetting? Oh yeah…the alcohol. I’m thinking a mimosa would be lovely.

Here is the lunch suggestion: Cut out processed carbohydrates, replacing them with whole grains such as brown rice, bulgur, quinoa or millet.


I know what brown rice is, and I like it - when it’s smothered with sesame shrimp. The article didn’t specifically mention the sesame shrimp, but I’m sure it was an inadvertent omission.

But bulgar, quinoa, and millet? Sounds like some Little House On The Prairie shit. They were all pretty skinny on that show - except for that Mr. Edwards. He must not have eaten his millet every day. Anyway, There's no way I’m gonna be able to find all this stuff at Brookshire’s.

Wait! Didn’t we decide quinoa was that stuff in the Frankenberry marshmallows?

Ok, now we’re getting somewhere! So for lunch, I’ll eat Chinese food, marshmallows, and…..and….chips! I’m thinking I saw “bulgar” and “millet” on the ingredient list on a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos one time. And I'll add a bloody Mary for the much-needed alcohol component.

For dinner, it says to make sure to have some protein, vegetables, and lots of water. For the protein, I will have a 14 oz. ribeye. For the vegetables, I will have French fries WITH ketchup (doubling up on the veggies, people. You may worship me!) For the “lots of water” bit, I believe I will have a couple glasses of Jack Daniels and water with extra ice.

Now, I’m quite the overachiever, so I will go one step further and have an entire bottle of wine after dinner. I encourage you to do the same…just go for it if you’re serious about your weight loss, folks!

This may sound like a really weird diet, but, hey! Jennifer Aniston or somebody uses it, and she can’t be bigger than a size 2, so it‘s gotta work, right?

I guess the website just needs a better editor to proofread the diet pages, because there were definitely some mistakes on there. Thank God you people have me here to straighten things out.

I’ll be rocking those skinny jeans in no time! Also, I may have to have a liver transplant.


  1. No, if you're gonna do the diet, you gotta do it right. No girly drinks like mimosas. You gotta go hardcore and have a shot of whiskey with your Frankenberry. Or, use vodka instead of milk.

  2. My mother made me eat flax seeds when I was younger. They are NASTY! I like your diet much better. THAT I can stick with.

  3. Can't wait to see the "before and after" pics on this one. Lmao

  4. My mom got into the quinoa (pronounced keen'wa for anyone who, like me, had no clue how to say the damned word) and that stuff has a crazy weird texture.
    Your diet sounds solid and red wine keeps you from getting sunburned so it's win win for me: lose weight AND not burn every time the sun peeks around the clouds!

  5. hear hear! Count me in for that diet!

  6. Me too! I think I can do that one!! Since none of the others work worth a hooey!! Who has time?? or money?? Though I have to admit I've been taking a supplement that has knocked off a few pounds lately, but nothing major yet. I think I'll round it out with your diet!! :-)

    What you said about steel-cut oats made me almost lose my tea out of my nose!

  7. So, the diet caused the fat boy with boobs to become a testosterone laden freak with the largest thighs and smallest knees ever?? Sign me up lol!!! And hey, any diet that makes me gain 6 inches in height is for me....especially if it includes lots and lots of tequila!!