She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, August 19, 2011

The Eternal Klutz Rides Again!

Don’t yell at me! I know I’ve been absent for a while.

I’ve been busy doing lots of important things: designing a new space shuttle for NASA, curing lupus, doing a little foreign diplomacy work. You know…things like that.

Ok, that’s total bullshit. I did take Miss Smarty Britches (MSB) to basketball camp, though. Of course, to a 9-year-old, that’s more important than that lupus and diplomacy shit.

Onward to the klutzy part. On the 4 ½ hour drive (could have been 4 hours if I didn’t drink so much Dr. Pepper and have to pee every 30 minutes), I ran into some construction.

Of course. This is Texas, and there is ALWAYS construction somewhere.
Anyhoo, while we were just sitting there, I had the car window open a little bit.

About this time, an 18-wheeler sped by and threw a rock through the miniscule 5 inch crack in my window.

The damn rock bounced off my temple like one of those bouncy balls in a concrete room.

Here is an artistic rendering of the situation:
Trying not to cuss because my kid was in the car.
As I was checking for blood and brains oozing out of my cranium, I noticed that MSB was oblivious to the whole thing, just rocking out to her MP3 player in the back seat.  I'm sure she just would have laughed at me anyway.
We managed to make it to College Station without any further head wounds or loss of brain matter.

And no speeding tickets. Yay, me!

When we arrived at our hotel, we found out that there was a bingo convention in town, and all of the attendees seemed to be staying at our hotel.

There were about eleventy thousand grumpy, senior citizen, bingo fanatics clomping around the hotel. They ate all of the waffles at the continental breakfast, and generally wreaked all manner of skin-hanging havoc at the swimming pool. And one of them farted in the elevator every time we got in.

Now, let’s get back to me, me, klutzy me! We were getting ready to go register for the camp, so I hopped in the shower in the hotel room.

The hair washing was uneventful, but as I bent down to pick up my conditioner, I slipped and fell ALL THE WAY OUT OF THE TUB!

I swear, it was like I was in the Matrix (except with more grunting noises and less coolness).

I fell ass-backwards, hitting my foot on the faucet and then bouncing off the toilet with my ribs, squirting conditioner everywhere, eventually landing flat on my back on the tile floor.

Body proportions determined by the artist may or may not be accurate.

Ummmm, fucking ouch!

I somehow got my naked ass up without slipping on the conditioner and sat in the tub to finish my hair.

I don’t know about you, but our bathtub at home has some texturing on the bottom of it. (Mildew is a texture, right?) But the bottom of the hotel tub was slicker than owl shit.  I'm writing to my Senator about making a new law.

I’m not sure how it happened that I took my daughter to an intense sports camp, and I was the one that came back with a knot on my head, bruised ribs, a scraped foot, and my spine practically broken in half.

Admit it, I really am extraordinarily talented.
A little about the basketball camp. It was at Texas A&M University. The women’s basketball team won the NCAA National Championship title this year, and they were the camp counselors.
So this was a great opportunity for MSB, who is a novice at basketball, never having played on an organized team or anything.

But she was on the team that won the 3-on-3 championship for the camp, out of hundreds of girls!  Yay, MSB!!!

So maybe she’s the talented one in the family, and I’m just the clumsy one.

Now I'll bore you with a few pictures because it is Miss Smarty Britches's 10th birthday today!!!
With A&M Head Coach Gary Blair
Doing the Dougie with Coach Blair
They totally dance like white people.
With her favorite player, Maryann Baker
One tired girl on the way home.

By the way, MSB is over 5 foot, 4 inches tall and is currently wearing a size 11 in ladies' shoes.  I think she's built to be a basketball champion.  I hope so, because I fully expect her to reimburse me for the cost of all these expensive-ass shoes. 

Happy 10th birthday, sweetie!!!


  1. You are soooo entertaining, and off course, I am reading this instead of getting in the shower. I have witnessed MSB doing the zone - out everytime I see y'all. Backseat, looong legs and ankles crossed on the headrest in front of her with her earbuds in and her fingers moving. Good times!!!

  2. omg, I'm so sorry that I'm laughing my ass off right now. I mean, hell woman, I would have needed a stretcher. I have missed you. Stop thinking that MSB is more important than us. What are you thinking?


  3. Needless to say if this had of happened on our roadtrip I would have been laughing so hard I would have been useless. Of course I probably would have been the one to fall and I could not have gotten up. By the way, I am ready for another roadtrip. I wont listen to ipod though, I will bore you with my mundane convo!

  4. Jacob's babysitter just came into my office and I was laughing with tears streaming down my face! Needless to say, she thinks I'm a little nuts, but once I read your post to her, she understood. Oh, Shelia girl, I miss ya! :)

  5. You aren't klutzy, just painfully talented lol. In Michigan, where I am trapped (I'm a Texan too :)), all we have is construction. It is one of the four seasons we have here: Winter, Deep Winter, Fuck Me Winter, and Orange Barrel season lol.

  6. Welcome back, i missed the laughs. And nice sketches, artistic just like me.

  7. Haha!!! I LOVE your blog! Any post that makes me snort at least five times is a winner in my book!!! You rock! I'm a new GFC follower and I would LOVE IT if you could check out my blog, as I think we are women of the same stock, and you would enjoy some laughs!

    My most recent posts include "Stress on the Beach," during which I got my bathing suit ripped off and nearly exposed my dimply, white ass to the entire population of vacationers, "What's That Smell?" which is about my disastrous run-in with self-tanner, and "I Pee Myself" (I don't think I really need to explain that one too much... but I think you'd enjoy it).

    My blog makes fun of everything motherhood (centering mostly around my clumsy ass), and I would be honored if you would stop by and say hi, at Misadventures in Motherhood.

    You are one rockin' mama, and I can't wait to read more!

    Smiles, Jenn