She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Read This Or You Will Be Eaten By Wolves

I got one of those chain e-mails the other day. Not unusual, but since I'm kinda OCD, this one annoyed the donkey piss out of me. I’ll show it to you, and then dissect it with my customary fervor and ruthlessness:

What the HELL? What am I, like 12 years old? And this was sent to me by an alleged adult!

It starts out by saying, “Don’t read this.” Ummmm, ok. Then why in the name of Cooter Brown did you send it to me? Then it goes on to say that now I’ve started reading this ingenious piece of prose, I should NOT stop.

Then it warns about the freakiness of this e-mail phenomenon with random spelling (“tommorow?” Really?) and horrific punctuation.

On to the “tasks” that it gives me: I have to repeat my name, my mom’s name, and my crush’s (the PROPER way to spell/punctuate it) name a number of times. Yeah, because my computer knows whether or not I’m really doing this.

And why am I saying my mother’s name while trying to get someone to kiss me? That’s a little kinky, dude. Not how I roll.

Then I have to paste it to 4 groups, or maybe 5 groups (contradictory much?). And I MUST do this within 143 minutes (random much?). Then press F6, which all computer geniuses know is the key for making your thoughts magically appear on your screen.

If you do all of this you will apparently have an awesome day tomorrow and some gorgeous person is gonna come kiss you on Friday.

Well, let me tell you…I had diarrhea the day after I did this and Matthew McConaughey did NOT show up to my house and kiss me last Friday.  Which is probably good, since I had the diarrhea and all.  I also have not heard of Justin Bieber running around kissing random pre-teens for no apparent reason on Fridays.

In conclusion, this does not work, so stop yelling out people’s names and re-posting e-mails and fervently smashing the F6 button. Nobody’s coming to kiss you because you send dumbass messages like this. You suck.

Deal with it!

And if you have bad luck one day, chalk it up to “THAT’S LIFE!” and not because you only said your mom’s name 4 times or because you didn’t push F6 with enough passionate fury.

Oh, and if anyone runs into the delicious Mr. McConaughey, please ask him if he had the overwhelming urge to kiss some strange lady in Texas last Friday. Just curious!

My daughter got caught up in this ignorance a couple of weeks ago. She runs in the room, waving her cell phone at me.

"Mom, I just got this text message," she says breathlessly. "If I don't send it to at least 35 people, something REALLY BAD will happen!!!"

She was slightly frantic at this point, in that dramatic way that only a pre-teen girl can achieve. She was worried because she has a pre-paid phone, and she didn't have enough texts left for the month to send the required 35, as directed by the nimrod who sent it to her.

"It says that a girl in Arizona got this message and didn't forward it, and the next day she was eaten by wolves! And a boy in Michigan ignored it, and both his parents died when their house was hit by a hurricane!"

A hurricane. In fucking Michigan.

So, I had to sit her down and have a little talk. "Honey, in this world there are people we call 'fucktards...'"


  1. Perfect argument for why some people shouldn't have a computer and internet connection. And also for while some people should not be allowed to reproduce or basically live at all.

  2. Oh. My. God. I think I love you.

    I hate those damn letters. Get 'em all the time from my dad's lovely wife. I want to say to her, "Really? You fall for this stuff?"

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  4. Meh, everyone has got one of them at least once in their life.

    I ignore them without reading them, thats what the title says heh. Can't believe anyone can fall for that unless they're superstitious or stupid or stupid or you know stupid.

    PS: Where's the EDIT button, google!!

  5. Ah, the Fucktards. What would our world be without them?

    Great post! And now I shall stalk you.