She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Dear Opto-Mom: Babies, Divorces, and Chauffeurs

Are you ready for a new edition of Dear Opto-Mom? Of course you are!

Just a reminder: These are actual questions taken from Dear Abby articles, but instead of including Abby's wise and trusted advice, I have included my own politically-UNcorrect opinions.

DEAR OPTO-MOM: Our daughter "Bree" has just announced that she's pregnant with her third child. Her other children are 1 and 2. My wife and I are in our 60s and provide child care three days a week, while the other grandma baby-sits for two days. We also pay for preschool and swimming lessons, as well as cook dinner for them on the days when we baby-sit.

Bree and her husband do not earn enough money to support even one child. We know we'll be expected to finance college for the children. When we agreed to help out, we asked them to promise they would not have more than two kids. This third one will cause us to use up our savings, increase our child care responsibilities and take us into our 80s to continue helping. Is it wrong to feel used? I am very depressed over this. -- OVERWHELMED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR OVERWHELMED: I suggest that you and your wife move to Tahiti. Send the kids 20 bucks on their birthday and enjoy your retirement. Maybe if Bree has to take care of her own children for once, she will keep her legs together and her drawers pulled up.
DEAR OPTO-MOM: I'm going through a divorce and have decided not to begin dating until it's final. I'm doing this because I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who is still married. I told myself I would politely explain this to any gentleman who asks me out, but no one has -- and I'm a little bothered by it. No one approaches me at all. I don't wear my ring and I consider myself to be a very attractive person.

I have had several boyfriends throughout my life, and looking back at them and my marriage, I realize that I was the first to show an interest and ask them out. I'd like it if a guy approached me and made the first move. I'm worried that when I'm ready to date it won't happen. I understand that approaching a stranger is a little unnerving, but I'm beginning to take it personally.

Please don't suggest going to activities outside the home to meet people. I work and go to school full-time, so that's not an option anytime soon. -- LOOKING FOR A DATE --IN THE FUTURE

DEAR LOOKING: You probably have either bad breath or body odor. Have you done the underarm-sniff and the breathe-in-your-hand test? Try this: Go to the Occupy Wall Street protest and maybe some 25-year-old will invite you back to his mom’s basement to have sex. Just make sure to tell him you hate capitalism while wearing designer jeans and making calls on your iPhone and eating Ben and Jerry’s.

Otherwise, I’m not sure exactly what you want. You seem to be upset because no one is asking you out so you can tell them, ‘NO.”
DEAR OPTO-MOM: My fiance, "Johnny," and I have been together for four years and engaged for 16 months. Our wedding is in a few months. Until recently, Johnny didn't have access to a car. That means for the past four years I have done all the driving, including visiting him at school two hours from my home every three to four weeks.

It didn't bother me because it was out of Johnny's control; his money went to pay for his education. However, because he has a car now, I feel it's reasonable to ask that he do most -- though not all -- of the driving. We live in the same town now and our homes are a mile apart.

Johnny seems to take offense at the suggestion and acts as if I am "punishing" him. I'm not, but I'm tired of driving all the time and would like a break now that he can give me one. What do you think? -- AT THE WHEEL AGAINST MY WILL

DEAR PUSHOVER: Tell Johnny to grow the fuck up. You’re not a chauffeur. If you want a more subtle approach, call him “Miss Daisy” and make him ride in the backseat. Make sure to wear a uniform with one of those snappy chauffeur hats...

*Disclaimer - Please note that Opto-Mom is not a licensed therapist, and you should not take her advice under most circumstances. If you do decide that Opto-Mom's advice is right for you, side effects may include: divorce, headache, being fired from your job, getting shot, getting stabbed, diarrhea, being waterboarded, getting arrested, loss of limb(s), psoriasis, death, separation from your children, syphilis, and being charged with tax evasion.


  1. All three of these people have more problems than I'm able to help with. I'm so glad you and your sage advice are here to do that for me (even though you took your ho ass self to a Rangers game and didn't even invite me).

    However, I think I can sum all of this up in just a few sentences.

    1. Cut the cord you morons.

    2. There's probably a good reason you're divorced.

    3. Run. Away. Quickly.

  2. I love your answers. Honestly, the driving miss daisy, he is only going to get worse sister. I agree with Gini, run fast.

  3. the Tahiti one...sad part is I know people like this.

  4. Thank you for sharing this information to us... Keep coming
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