She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Dear Opto-Mom: Hookers, Thieves, and Air Travelers

I was really bored the other night, so I started reading Dear Abby online. Yes, my life has officially sunk to a new level of pathetic-ness.

Anyway, I noticed that all of Abby's answers were so vapid and uninspiring, so I felt the need to take those same questions and provide my own answers.

Get ready for some brilliant insight, with this, the first episode of DEAR OPTO-MOM!


DEAR OPTO-MOM:  My mother and I had a debate about who should pay for dates. She thinks the man should pay, especially if sex is involved because "you don't want to give it away for free."

I disagree. I say the man should pay for the first, and maybe the second date. After that, they can agree to alternate.

I have been seeing a wonderful guy for about six months. I'm pretty sure I make more money than he does, but even if I didn't, I don't feel the need to be supported. I don't agree the guy should always have to pay. Times have changed since my mother dated. What's the general consensus on the subject these days? -- INDEPENDENT WOMAN IN MARYLAND

Dear Independent: I think your mom is calling you a hooker. Seriously. Don’t talk to her anymore. Personally, I say let him pay, and you save your money and buy some new hooker shoes.

DEAR OPTO-MOM:  I go to movies occasionally with my niece "Connie" and her two kids. Although the theater has a sign "No Outside Food or Drinks Allowed," Connie sneaks snacks in in her oversized purse, then doles them out after the lights go down. I'm not talking about a couple of candy bars; she brings bags of candy, chips and cans of soda.

While I agree with my niece that the price of refreshments is outrageous, I also believe it's the theater operators' prerogative to set prices and policy. I suggested Connie skip the snacks during the movie and take the kids out for ice cream afterward, but she said she didn't want to "deprive" them. When I offered to pay, she said it wasn't about the money, it was "the principle, and besides, "everybody else does it."

I feel my niece is teaching her kids it's OK to break rules you find inconvenient as long as you can get away with it. I enjoy the outings with them so I've dropped the subject for the sake of harmony, but it still bothers me. Connie probably thinks I'm a critical old crank who's out of step with the times. I'd love your opinion. -- PAYING FOR MY POPCORN IN OREGON

Dear Popcorn: Good Lawd! Are you always this uptight and bitchy? If your niece brings Junior Mints to the movies, I’ll go with her!

DEAR OPTO-MOM:  Just a quick question regarding airline flying etiquette. What would be the proper way to handle a situation where the flight attendant comes around to serve refreshments and the person next to you is napping? Would it be appropriate to give him a little nudge when the attendant gets to your row, or just order your own and let the person be skipped over? -- UP IN THE AIR IN MASSACHUSETTS

Dear Airhead: No, you should sing “Super Freak” until he wakes up. Start quietly and gradually increase your volume until you’re at full voice during the chorus.  If he still doesn't wake up, steal his pretzels.

*Disclaimer - Please note that Opto-Mom is not a licensed therapist, and you should not take her advice under most circumstances.  If you do decide that Opto-Mom's advice is right for you, side effects may include:  divorce, headache, being fired from your job, getting shot, getting stabbed, diarrhea, being waterboarded, getting arrested, loss of limb(s), psoriasis, death, separation from your children, gonorrhea, and being charged with tax evasion.


  1. ** Make him pay. After all, we end up paying forever.

    ** Take the snacks. $6 for old popcorn? My ass.

    ** Ever hear "Ya snooze, ya lose"? Goes double for free pretzels.

    You forgot dandruff. And itchy shirt tags. And those hairs that stick to the back of your shirts sleeve that touch your arm and bug the living shit out of you but you just can't find.

    I hate those.

  2. Oh sweet Jesus.

    I'm really glad that the biggest dilemma in their lives is whether or not to wake up the person next to them on the freaking airplane.

    Also. I'm not paying four dollars for a soft drink. It ain't effing happening.

  3. Great advice. You should do this for a living. You're much more entertaining that Dear Abbey. ;)

  4. good hell. that was awesome. You should so apply for her job.

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