She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Holy $*@#. Am I Really This Old?

Oh no! Say it ain’t so!

The Opto-Mom is… is… 40?

Yep, it’s true.  My birthday was in September, but I've just now gotten up the courage to admit it.

This was me about 40 years ago:
All together now....."Awwwwww!"

And this is me today:
Fabulous at Forty!

On this prestigious occasion, shall we take a look back through the adventurous life of one silly Opto-Mom? Yes, yes. I think we shall.

Before I could even walk, I managed to climb up the drawer handles next to the refrigerator, and when my mom came back from the bathroom, I was sitting ON TOP of the refrigerator. This was only the beginning of my exploits and, therefore, a life of boisterous merriment for my parents.

When I was a toddler, my cousins and I would sneak into the refrigerator and eat butter right from the stick. Our moms would come in and there would be tiny little tooth prints in the butter.

From the ages of 5-7, I was obsessed with hair. I once took a round brush and rolled it up all the way to my scalp, at which point it got tangled and stuck there. It took 6 hours and 2 hairdressers to get it unwound. I also enjoyed cutting hair…mine and any friends or cousins who dared to get near me when I was wielding a pair of scissors.

My childhood home was right near the railroad tracks, so I adapted by sleeping VERY soundly.  My parents would hear a THUNK in the middle of the night, and when they got up to investigate, I would be curled up on the floor beside my bed, still fast asleep.  Also, I could sleep through a smoke alarm, which would inevitably go off every time my mom made gravy for breakfast.

When I was about 8, I wanted to sing “The Devil Went Down To Georgia” at church because I thought it highlighted the triumph of good over evil.

My sister is 12 years younger than me, and when she was a baby, I accidentally threw her in the ceiling fan.  This has had far-reaching implications on her mental status, with which we are still dealing today.

My mom always told me that if I had questions about sex, to ask her. So I talked to her once about a rumor that was going around school. I asked her if it was true that if you sneezed 3 times in a row, it was the same feeling as when you are “doing it” and have an orgasm. She replied, “Apparently, SOMEBODY'S ‘doing it’ wrong.”

Well, now that I've either bored or entertained you with my lifetime anecdotes, I guess I'll go take a nap.  You know, we old middle-aged people need our beauty sleep!


  1. Welcome to your 40's. I made it here 4 years ago, and it's not so bad actually.

    Thanks for sharing some HaHa's from your youth. Personally, I think they should have let you sing Devil Went Down to Georgia in church. Any kid who can climb on top of the refrigerator should pretty much be able to do whatever she wants. Did they consider that when you tossed your sister into the ceiling fan? I'll bet not.

  2. I turned 40 in March and didn't feel old...until now lol. Happy belated birthday!

  3. Hehehe. Looks like it's been a good 40. May you have an entertaining 40 more.

  4. omg, you were a handful of a child. and your threw your sister into the ceiling fan.

    Hmmm, I wish I could sneeze 3 times in a row just to see if its true. what?

  5. I turned 40 in September too! Not happy about it. I don't feel 40, I don't look 40, I don't act 40...and dammit - I do NOT like having to SAY that I'm 40! That's why I've declared myself the "NEW 30." I think you should too. Happy belated Birthday!