She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Sexy Stuff for Your Kids

Well, it’s pretty much official: we are buying a house!


We are keeping most of our furniture, but I wanted new bedding and decor for our bedroom and for Miss Smarty Pants’s room.

So, I got online to do a little browsing. I decided to look for cute stuff for MSP first. Since I was pretty sure she didn’t want her room to look like a 1970s-era Florida Motel 6, I searched for “kids bedding.”

I’m sure you’re relieved to hear that I found some really weird stuff; otherwise, this would just be a post about me shopping online, and that would be boring as shit.

In the kid department, I was expecting to find stuff like this for a 10-year-old girl:

However, I was NOT expecting to find stuff like this:

Well, this is TOTALLY appropriate for the child who sleeps with his or her chosen mate.

“Sexy and Pretty” is a great theme for a 10-year-old girl, wouldn’t you agree? And there are two of them from which you can choose. Golly gee, we live in a great country!

Perhaps “Sexy Poker,” complete with the naked woman silhouette is a better option for a boy.

There was a whole series of these for the kid who enjoys online dating. “Say, baby, what’s your sign?”

This one was made from one of Andrew Dice Clay's jackets, circa 1988.

Though these are pretty fabulous for any child, my daughter decided to go with a peace sign theme. Whew!

Because the search for bedroom stuff was so much fun, I decided to check out bathroom stuff. In case you’re not aware, the trash cans, shower curtains, soap dispensers, tissue holders, etc., are collectively called “bathroom ensembles,” which I subsequently learned is code for “outrageously overpriced items for your crapper room.”

 Seriously, people, $150 dollars for trash cans and soap holders for the room where you take a shit? Some of the trash cans are $40-$50 alone! It’s a place to throw away snot rags and tampons, for Pete’s sake. The damn thing should make me cookies for that price!

It pissed me off so much, I decided to just focus on cool shower curtains.

Ladies, this one is for you.

Please do not shoot tiny circles out of your abdomen.

This one would make some of my family feel right at home. Wish they had one with prison bars.

If you can’t afford a real chandelier, but still want that little extra touch of class, this is the one for you.

I’m not sure I could make poopy with Edward glaring at me.

Somebody get the plunger!  Momma's stuck in the toilet again!

This one is titled North Carolina Outer Banks Vicinity. Wow! I can’t tell you how long I’ve been searching for this exact shower curtain.

DC Transit Map. It would be more helpful if they marked the areas where you are most likely to be the victim of a homocide.

I suggest you get this one for your kid’s bathroom. You will get 50% off if you also purchase one of the sleezy comforters shown above.

There’s nothing I enjoy more when showering than studying chemistry.

If sushi is really this important in your life, please seek psychological help.

Here's a great one if you like to decorate for Christmas? I am just so disturbed by this one, yet I cannot seem to look away from Santa's ass.

But I think I’ve narrowed it down to these two. I would love your opinions on which to purchase for that extra bit of fabulousness for my bathroom.
Classic film
Or Culture and Literature


  1. I LOVE the classic movie one! All your descriptions cracked me up!

  2. I couldn't poo with Edward glaring at me either! Sexy Santa, sure, but not grumpy Edward. Thanks for the laugh!

  3. omg, I love the to pee or not to pee. pick that one. :)

  4. Thanks, Zombie!

    Alli, I'm now thinking that maybe that glare would scare the shit out of me.

    Dazee, I know...screw Shakespeare in the Park. Let's go with Shakespeare in the Bathroom.

  5. pee or not to pee, hilarious!.

    You are a funny woman sheila!