She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!



Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Newsflash About Teeth...And Strippers...And Guns...

It’s time for another edition of Opto-Mom’s Newsflash.  Today's topic is teeth, but it also involves, strippers...and guns...and marijuana.  Oh hell, just read it already!

If you haven’t read my previous Newsflash posts, you should check them out. After all, I want you all to be well-informed readers. If you enjoy reading about sexy goats, golfing transvestites, and healthy dwarves, then read this one. If you like discussions of orgasms and crazy cookie bitches, check out this one. If you appreciate the ability of people to hide items in their rectums, then this is the post for you.


HE JUST WANTED TO SEE SOME BOOBIES

A man in Indianapolis was minding his own business at a strip club when he received the surprise of a lifetime.  And I don't mean a free lap dance...or herpes. 

Jake Quagliaroli was sitting about 20 feet from the stage when an apparently very aerodynamic stripper shoe struck him in the face, chipping several of his teeth.
Pictorial representation of the event.

So, did he meekly drive home and make up an excuse to his wife about getting his teeth knocked out while saving a group of orphans from a roving band of ninjas?  Of course not!

Mr. Quagliaroli did what any modern red-blooded American man would do:  he sued the strip club for "lifelong dental injuries."

Yeah, because it's totally unreasonable to expect clothing items to be flying off the stage at a strip club.  I have a friend who almost had an eye put out by a rogue rhinestone flying off some hunk's junk at Chippendale's.  But did I she sue?  Of course not!

Why are you looking at me?  My eye is just red because I poked it with the mascara brush.  Really!

Seriously, I don't know if he's married or not.  If he's not, can you imagine the family of his future bride googling his name to check him out?  BUSTED!

Shoulda gone with the ninja story, Jake!


STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY'S POT!

Waltdell and Walter Davis are brothers from New Orleans.  Waltdell found out that his brother had smoked some of his pot.  Well, that just made Waltdell madder than a cannibal at an anorexia camp.

Who wants to bet me that their daddy's name contains some version of "Walt" and that they have a brother named "Waltrick?"

Anyway, regarding the pot stealing, Waltdell said, "Ah HELL naw, mo-fo!" and shot Walter in the face with a .22 revolver.  Fortunately for Walter, the bullet bounced off of his gold tooth, sparing his life. 

[Side note: I'm thinking that maybe Strip Club Jake from the first story should have been wearing some gold teeth.  Can I get an AMEN?]

So, all you punk ass bitches hatin' on Flava Flav, better step off.  Now we know he wears that bulletproof grill for safety, and not because he's a ghetto freak.  It doesn't explain the giant clock or other weird shit that he wears, but I'm sure there's some reasonable explanation for them. 

Uh huh.  'Cause nothing says "reasonable individual" like these pictures:

Flava Flav - A genius among men?
And here's a shocker...Waltdell was on probation.  [Gasp!]  So, he was arrested for probation violation, admitted to shooting his brother, and was promptly charged with aggravated battery and possession of a firearm by a felon.

I think he should have also been charged with being an anti-dentite.  Just sayin'...

Well, folks.  That wraps it up for another edition of Newsflash.  I hope you've learned something, or at least had some fun.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Anyone Know of a Good Place to Bury a Headless Body?

I remember as a child, if I did something particularly annoying or stupid, my dad would often comment, “Now I see why some animals eat their young.”


NOT that I ever did anything annoying or stupid. I probably never did…well, almost never…though there was that one incident involving the cat and my dad’s electric razor….


Whatever! So, I’ve recently been researching female animals that eat their mates. Mostly because I’ve decided to kill and eat my husband.

{GASP!} Before you send me e-mails filled with shocked outrage, you have to hear these two little anecdotes:


Episode 1: ANNOYING THE OPTO-MOM

To be honest, he probably could have gotten away with this one as a stand-alone affront. Our nine-year-old, Miss Smarty Pants (MSP), was going to work with me one day last week - ahhh, gotta love Spring Break! The night before, she was picking out her clothes to wear the next day, and she comes in with some maroon shorts (that were waaaay too small) and a yellow t-shirt with pink and blue screenprinting. And green blinged-out flip flops. None of this stuff even remotely matched.


Now, I’m not one of those moms who subscribes to that mamby-pamby, let-your-child-wear-whatever-they-want-so-you-don’t-suppress-their-creativity-and-individuality bullshit. If you’re going somewhere with me, your hair will be brushed, your face will be washed, your freakin’ clothes will MATCH, and no booty shorts, for crap’s sake!


Doing what all children do when one parent says, “no,” MSP went to get her daddy’s opinion on her fine ensemble. She returns looking smug and triumphant. “Daddy says it looks fine.”


So, she’s taking fashion advice from the local Ralph Lauren. This is the man who, when we were going out to a nice restaurant, and I asked the inevitable question, “Is that what you’re wearing?” replied, “Well, I hosed my flip flops off with the garden hose.” Yeah.


After much whining (on both our parts), we settled on the yellow t-shirt and some denim shorts that actually fit. I let her wear the green flip flops, because they were light green and could almost pass for yellow, but she had to paint her toenails because they looked crusty.


The point is, the appropriate father response regarding fashion should always be, “Whatever your mother says. She’s a fashion genius.” {Preening in my sweats.}


Episode 2: INSULTING THE OPTO-MOM'S ASS

This is the one that really made me want to go all praying mantis on the husband. We were folding clothes, and he held up some jeans, and asked, “Are these yours or Miss Smarty’s?”


Now, Miss Smarty is really thin, so I was initially flattered that he could even remotely mistake my jeans for hers. I smiled my most winsome smile and replied that they were mine. I might have flirtatiously batted my eyelashes, too.


Then the husband said, “No way! You can’t fit all your junk in these pants!”


Dude, sometimes it’s best to just stop while you’re ahead, or I will have to re-introduce The Stank Eye.
If that doesn't work, or if I have PMS, then this will most likely be the result:
Seriously, don't jack with me.



Tuesday, March 22, 2011

XLV Superbowl Facts

Here is another awesome infographic. Definitely check it out if you like football! Or even if you don't, because there's lots of cool stuff on there.


Courses OnlineOnline Courses - Superbowl XLV

You Are What You Bleed

I wish I could take credit for making this awesome infographic, but I'm posting it for a company. There is some really cool info on here, so check it out!

You Are What You BleedSource: Phlebotomy

Monday, March 14, 2011

Newsflash About Assholes (Literally)

Assholes. I knew putting that in the title would make you look!


I love you, my readers, but you’re really a bunch of weirdos, okay? Some of my most popular posts have titles about coochies, penises, pubic hair, orgasms, and nudity. I think I’ve found my niche.


If you haven’t read my previous 2 Newsflash posts, you should check them out. After all, I want you all to be well-informed readers. If you enjoy reading about sexy goats, golfing transvestites, and healthy dwarves, then read this one.  If you like discussions of orgasms and crazy cookie bitches, check out this one.


So, this week's Newsflash involves all things asshole. No, I’m not talking about people who act in a foolish and uncouth manner. I’m actually talking about the rectal/anal area of the body; specifically, odd items being placed up in there.


HE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' WALLET
In Florida, a man was arrested for possession and DUI. During a strip search, dollar bills started falling out of his booty hole. There was a total of $45 stuffed in his manhole.

Dude, you got change for a $10?

This is why my mother always told me not to put money in my mouth because it is dirty. However, she also often said, "I can't just pull money out of my ass!"  Ya win some, ya lose some, Mom.



BE AFRAID, MICKEY MOUSE.  BE VERY AFRAID!
In South Carolina, police responded to an attempted burglary call and found Noah Smith naked in the home. When they tried to remove him, he slapped and attacked the deputies.
I did a search for "naked man fighting," and found this awesome pic.  Also lots of gay porn...
The man was allegedly under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms (thanks, Olive Garden!) and was taken to the hospital.  While there, an x-ray revealed that he had a mouse in his rectum.

A. MOUSE. IN. HIS. RECTUM.  Haven't people learned ANYTHING from the whole Richard Gere fiasco? 

I is bringing my teddy bear, cuz I scared of dark places.
 So, Mister Mouse-Stuffer was charged with ASSault and battery, resisting arrest, and indecent exposure.  Ummmmm, what about animal cruelty?


HOW MUCH JUNK CAN YOU STUFF IN YOUR TRUNK?
A Florida man was in jail when officials noticed part of a condom hanging out of his rectum.  Some lucky individual removed the condom and found 30 items concealed in it.

On a related note, I just offered up a prayer of thanks that I'm not a rectum searcher for the police in Florida.

Some of the items included a cigarette (Hey, can I bum a smoke?), a flint, 17 pills, an unused condom, 6 matches, an empty syringe, lip balm (This is why you don't share Chap-Stick, people!), a pharmacy receipt, and a coupon (Wait, wait...I think I have a coupon for that cereal....let me just....try to reach it....).

Somebody needs to start carrying a European man-bag.


Well, that wraps it up for another edition of Newsflash.  Try not to get caught with anything up your ass until next week!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Cashier At Wal-Mart Tells Me About Her Coochie

Oh, how I love going to The Wal-Mart, even though it’s a prime location to catch the swine flu and other communicable diseases. Sometimes I go in there and actually touch a cesspool of germs shopping cart without wearing a hazmat suit.


I’m a risk-taker, people. A rebel. I walk on the wild side. I’m kinda like Charlie Sheen with my Adonis blood. Winning!
I was at our local Wally-World Friday night, and had made it through my shopping without contracting the Ebola virus, so I was pretty pumped. Then I got to the cashier…

[Bom bom BOMMMMM]


That was supposed to be an ominous soundbite there. Did ya get that?  I considered using the theme from Jaws, but I didn't know how to spell that music.


Anyway, the cashier (Mesha) was a young lady, probably in her early 20’s.


As she was ringing up my purchases, she began chatting with me. She told me she really wanted to go out with her friend after work, but her boyfriend was coming to pick her up. I was nodding politely and sympathetically.


I should totally be a therapist, or something, and get paid for this shit, because people are always telling me their personal business.


Pay attention now…this is where it gets really good.


Me: Maybe you can just text your boyfriend and tell him you’ll see him tomorrow.

Mesha: I don’t really want to see him tomorrow either.

Me (sensing drama): Really? Are you mad at him?

Mesha: Yeah, he gonna want to have sex, and I don’t want to.

Me: …………oh.

Mesha: Yeah, I done tole him I was on my period last week, so I can’t use that excuse this week, too.

Me: ………uhhh, no, I guess that wouldn’t work this week.

Mesha: Yesterday I tole him I had some weird shit coming out my coochie, so he backed off.

Me: ……… {trying to fake a polite smile, but probably just looking constipated} …….


At this point, I’m thinking that if she had weird coochie stuff yesterday, then the boyfriend probably isn’t going to want to get near said coochie today, right? Ah, contraire…. Casanova had other plans. Read on!


Mesha: He said we can just do it in the butt tonight.

Me: …… {mouth hanging open, not even trying to look polite now} …..

Mesha: Last time we did that, I tole him it hurt, ‘cuz his dick was too big to fit in my bootyhole.

Me: ….{OmigodOmigodWhyIsSheTellingMeThis?}

Mesha: Then he tole me I was boring! While we was still doing it! Can you believe he said that?

Me: {finding my voice} Honey, you are the least boring person I’ve met in a while.

Mesha: So I just been doing it with my friend, and girl, he appreciates every second of what I got.

Me: Awwww, that’s…ummm…sweet.

Mesha: Yeah, but about my boyfriend, I think I’m gonna dump that zero. It’s just hard because he’s got a nice car.

Me: Well, you have to go with the person you like best, and not the car you like best.

Mesha: Hey, that makes sense. Damn, you smart!

Me: Oh, ummmm, thanks and good luck with…like…all of that…you know…stuff.


So I left feeling brilliant and just a little dirty after that whole conversation WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER!


You can’t get herpes from talking about sex with a Wal-Mart cashier, can you?  I shoulda bought more hand sanitizer....and Lysol...and Valtrex.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Newsflash Involving Orgasms That Have Nothing To Do With Charlie Sheen

I did a Newsflash last week, and it was so much fun I decided to make it a series. If you haven’t read last week’s, go check it out here. Then make sure to come back here for your weekly dose of crazy current events that you may not see on your local news. This week’s theme is something we all know and love: junk food.


DON’T TOUCH MY COOKIES, BITCH!

Hersha Howard, a 31-year-old Florida woman, certainly loves her Girl Scout cookies. 
Do NOT F*ck with her Thin Mints.

She woke up to find that her Thin Mints were missing, so she began chasing her roommate around the room with a pair a scissors. She then proceeded to beat her roomie with a board and a sign. I wonder if the sign said, “Chill out, bitch. You can always buy more cookies!”

 
OREOS GIVE HER OH-OH-OH-ORGASMS

This story involves Gabi Jones, a 25-year-old woman from Colorado.

Gabi Jones, a woman who has apparently had MANY orgasms!
Due to a condition called persistent genital arousal disorder, Gabi has an orgasm whenever she eats junk food.



{cricket, cricket}


Oh, sorry! I got distracted there for a minute. I’m still trying to figure out the best way to develop this particular disorder.

Good Lord, this is my dream disease! I could sit around and eat ice cream and pizza and Reese’s peanut butter cups all day AND HAVE ORGASMS! Who gives a shit if you get fat? Because you wouldn’t need a man…just Doritos.

This concludes your Newsflash for the week.  Tune in next week for more!

Opto-Mom out!