She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Dear Opto-Mom: Pervert Wife, Stealing Granddaughter, and Whiny Co-Worker

First of all, I would like to say, "Welcome back to my blog!" Sorry I've been absent, but we are all moved into our new house and I have internet service again, so I'm BAAAA-AAAACK! (More on the new house later.)

Secondly, since I've had trouble keeping up with this one blog, I thought it only reasonable to start a second blog. Yeah, that makes sense. Whereas this blog is very random and willy nilly in nature, my 2nd blog is more specialized: Reality T.V. I am currently watching and discussing The Bachelor, so come on over to Unvirtual Reality and let's get snarky on some bitches!

Just a reminder about the Dear Opto-Mom segments: These are actual questions taken from Dear Abby articles, but instead of including Abby's wise and trusted advice, I have included my own unwise and totally irresponsible suggestions.


DEAR OPTO-MOM: I met my husband, "Jerome," two years ago. During our courtship, he helped me to find faith. Because of that, I wanted a completely honest relationship with him and confessed to a "less than moral" experience that occurred several years before I met him. Apparently he was able to accept it, because he proposed and we have been married for several months.
 Recently, however, Jerome has been saying it's bothering him and he doesn't know how to let it go. I'm angry and hurt that something that happened long ago is now causing problems in my marriage. It has made me question why I was honest with him.

 I'm afraid Jerome will never forgive me. He says he feels as though he has to compete with my past and doesn't feel he can live up to it. How do I tackle this problem? I can't change my past, I can't take back what I told him, and I can't do anything to change my husband. Please help. -- HAUNTED BY THE PAST

DEAR HAUNTED:  What a lovely story. Now, tell us what your big secret is. I promise we won’t laugh or think less of you. {crossing fingers} Were you a prostitute? Did you cheat on a math test in high school? Did you read the National Enquirer while you were standing in line at Wal-Mart and then put it back without buying it?

Seriously, you can’t write a letter like that and then hold out on the best part. Ok, I’ll guess some more, and you let me know when I’ve got it. Slept with a priest? Replaced your grandma’s Alzheimer’s medicine with Tic-Tacs? Worked your way through college on a stripper pole?

Come on! I’m working my ass off over here. Just tell us! Were you a waitress who spit in someone’s food? Did you leave a flaming bag of poo on the doorstep of some dude who dumped you? Are you a child molester?

If you don’t tell me what it is right now, I’m just going to assume you’re a child molester. Ok….that’s it! You want to play smart with me, I’m going to turn you in to the proper authorities as a child molester.  I hope Jerome leaves you forever.  You’re sick, you know that? Don’t ever write to me again, perv!


DEAR OPTO-MOM:  My granddaughter, who is 18, had a child last year. She kept the baby and dropped out of school. She is now working and has returned to school to get her GED. My husband has always loved her and helps her financially.

My problem is she has twice stolen from a fund I keep for our church. Although she is the only one who could have done it, my husband refuses to believe it. I now insist on locking everything up.

Abby, if she had asked for the money either time, her grandfather would have given it to her. I think she gets an adrenaline rush from stealing. What can I do about this? -- AT A LOSS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR POOR GRANDMA: What the fuck is wrong with kids these days? Stealing from a church? I think you should chop off one of her fingers every time she steals. But wait, then she would just apply for disability and milk the taxpayers for the rest of her life. And I‘m sure should would continue to milk Gramps, as well.  "Poor little me.  I don't have any fingers.  Boo hoo hoo.  Can I have $500, please, Gramps?  Just stick it between my freshly pedicured toes (since I no longer have any fingers)."

 Seriously though, Granny. Get yourself a nanny-cam and put it in the room where you keep the money. That way you will have proof to show your husband since he obviously takes the word of a teenager over his own wife. And when you get the proof, please tell him that Opto-Mom said he’s an asshole.


DEAR OPTO-MOM:  I share a small office space with a co-worker, "Tammy," who is going through a nasty divorce. At first I tried to be supportive and listen to her problems, but now I think it was a mistake. I now dread going to work because I know I'll have to listen to a litany of complaints as soon as I walk through the door.

I have tried to encourage Tammy to talk to a priest or a psychologist, but she refuses because she's embarrassed. Is it time to inform our manager? I don't want to get Tammy in trouble, but I feel I'm incapable of giving her the kind of support she seems to need. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. Please help. -- WELL-INTENTIONED IN MINNEAPOLIS

Dear Well-Intentioned: Oh, sure! Tell the boss so Tammy will get fired. That’s JUST what she needs right in the middle of this suck-ass time in her life. She probably talks incessantly about her divorce because she’s tired of hearing about how your little Suzy went poo-poo in the big potty last night or about little Timmy’s huge win at the state Parcheesi tournament. Way to be a great friend, ya bitch! Maybe next week you can have her car repossessed.

Now, don't forget to go check out Unvirtual Reality to meet the crazies trying to marry Bachelor Ben!



  1. welcome back! twas mighty quiet without you on LOL

  2. Oh man. Welcome Back. I have missed you terribly. Now I'm off to check your other blog.

  3. Peachy, at least we got to chat on facebook.

    Dazee, thanks! I was just catching up on your blog!!!

  4. Dazee sent me over her.. Glad she did cause I have a question. I'm pretty sure my neighbor is getting laid on a regular basis. We live in an apartment complex with very thin walls. He's either screwing the hell out of his wife,, or he needs to see a doctor, cause if he's making those sounds when he craps,, it can't be good.... Should I go check on him?

  5. I need someone to discuss RHW with me lol!

  6. This is freaking awesome!!! I would like to request an installment of this every day, please, to keep my sense of humor fully functional. The only thing that I yearn for is that I'd actually like to read what Dear Abby said to these people too. Is there any way you can do a follow-up? I'm dying to know what Abby said (although you can rest assured that your responses are surely WAY superior in both awesomeness and wise insight). LOL

    Glad to see you're back to writing! Love your posts! :-) Oh, and I'm Stumbling this for you--it's awesome!!!

    Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood

  7. And another thing.... LOL... I tried to find your contact info but couldn't seem to find an email address anywhere, so I'll just message you in your comment area....

    Are you on Twitter? I have a tribe on Triberr called the Funny Mamas, and you'd be perfect for it! If you're not sure what Triberr is, just email me at and I'll explain all about it, but basically it's a way to gain more exposure by having people tweet your posts for you.

    We'd LOVE to have you... you'd make a fabulous addition to the Funny Mamas tribe! And I'm sure you'll make some new friends and gain some new followers in the process too. Just let me know if you have any interest in jumping on board with us! I think you're awesome! :-)

    Smiles, Jenn @Misadventures in Motherhood

  8. Ms. Zombie Goddess - Don't watch that, but from what I hear, I would probably love it!

    Madam Queen - Your question is being addressed in a brand new post!

    Jenn, thanks so much! I've always wanted to be in a tribe! I don't have to get one of those tribal tattoos, do I? I'll email ya. Oh, and I don't have the Abby responses, just the questions...sorry!

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