She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Dear Opto-Mom: Response to The Queen's Question

First of all, I would like to remind fans of reality TV  shows to check out my new blog, Unvirtual Reality.  We are currently discussing The Bachelor and will add American Idol when it starts next week.  I've only got like 3 followers, so I would appreciate it if you would get your sweet asses over there right now and make me feel important!

After my last Dear Opto-Mom post, I received a question from The Queen.  I am certainly not one to reject the needs of royalty, so I am giving her my advice and sharing it with the rest of you peons, as well.  You're welcome.

 Dear Opto-Mom:
I'm pretty sure my neighbor is getting laid on a regular basis. We live in an apartment complex with very thin walls. He's either screwing the hell out of his wife,, or he needs to see a doctor, cause if he's making those sounds when he craps,, it can't be good.... Should I go check on him?

Dearest Queen: 
Ahhhhhh, the apartment complex. I fondly remember the days of thin walls, car alarms, meowing cats, and horny neighbors. Our first apartment after we got married was right below a sheriff's deputy's apartment. When we first moved in, we thought, "Wow! This is great! No one will break into our apartment or car with that deputy car parked out front."

However, said deputy was a damned freak! It should also be noted that he was a right portly fellow and when he got busy with his lady friends, tectonic plates began shifting and the patterns of the tides were altered.

And this fellow had STAMINA. Holy bedbangers, did he have stamina!?! One time, I heard the Barry White start up on his cassette player, and I knew it was on. Then the banging of the bed against the floor (which was actually our ceiling) began. I went and took a bath, shaved my legs, dried my hair, and he was still going strong!

The hubs and I thought about trying the “if you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em” tactic. And I do NOT mean that literally, regarding the licking ‘em or the joining ‘em, because just ewwwwwww.  But this Master of Love was quite noisy, and his grunts and groans made me laugh. Just for the record, husbands are not generally amused when you laugh while you’re supposed to be in the throes of passion. So we usually just turned on some death metal to try and drown out The Big Loud Copulator.
I’m convinced that his lady friends had to go to the emergency room for a tune up and fluid check after visiting with him. And possibly some sort of front-end alignment.
But my advice to you, My Queen, is to record the sounds of their voracious love-making and then set it to some background music. Kinda like a soundtrack!  You can just go with the basics (“Let’s Get It On”) or could get really creative here and use different songs throughout the boinking process.
For example, during the foreplay section, you could play "The Stroke."  If it sounds like the wife is getting her head smacked into the wall, you could go with "Bang Your Head," and follow up with, "My Neck, My Back."  During the loudest part, use, "Let's Get Loud."  When things sound like they are taking a bit of a kinky turn (you hear farm animal noises or whatever), go with, "The Sweetest Taboo."  For the big finale, I suggest, "Boom Boom Boom."  You get the idea!
After you have made the soundtrack, make lots of CD copies and hand them out to the neighbors.  It would be a nice touch to make an album cover with the couple's picture in it.

However, if you find out it's the crapping problem, just tell him to eat more fiber.  But the whole coordinating a sex CD sounds a lot more fun, so I hope that's it.


  1. OMG.. you are too funny..but thanks for the advice.. the problem is, knowing me,, I'll pry do the CD.. and it's a really small town!

  2. I so hope The Queen does the CD. Opto-Mom, you freaking crack me up!!!!

  3. I live in a small town too. That makes it an even better idea!

    1. The Royals so need to take you on our next big tour with us. You would be a welcome addition. The hookers need a little humor on those trips.. lol...