She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!



Friday, February 3, 2012

Newsflash - Cement Asses and Frozen Armadillos

And now, it’s time for another edition of Opto-Mom’s Newsflash.  But first, I want to remind you that I'm doing a reality TV blog called Unvirtual Reality.  Current shows I am covering are American Idol and The Bachelor.  So put your crazy pants on and check it out! 

Now, on to the Newsflash:

PUT SOME CEMENT IN YOUR BUTT

A woman in South Florida apparently took the song, “Baby Got Back” just a little too literally, and decided that she wanted an L.A. face and an Oakland booty.

So did she go to her family doctor? A plastic surgeon? Oh, noooooo! This lady goes to a transgendered woman (still technically a man), named Oneal Morris, who was masquerading as a doctor, to get butt implants.

Does this piss any of you women off? It must be nice to have such a tiny little ass that you have to go through surgery to make it look good. I could help some of these poor girls out if they need a butt transplant, as I would be happy to share some of mine.  I should really win some type of philanthropy award.

And we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. Faux-Doctor Morris cut her “patient” open and injected a mixture of Fix-A-Flat, superglue, cement and mineral oil into the buttocks area.

Hey, don’t judge! Mineral oil is good for you, right?

So this patient is now under the care of REAL doctors, and she has some major issues that they are trying to fix. Really? Who would have thought that letting some stranger squeeze cement and stuff under the skin of your ass would cause problems?

It seems that perhaps Mr./Ms. Oneal Morris has been doing a little surgery on herself, as well. Here are pictures of the fake doctor:


Baby got....something.


Here's a little tip for everyone:  If a doctor asks you to come to their house and lay on the counter, and then they get out a bottle of Jack Daniels, a steak knife, and some tire sealant....they are probably not a real doctor.  I know it seems like I'm generalizing a bit, but I'm pretty sure you can take this advice to the bank.

HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST CRITTER

As you may or may not know, the armadillo is the state varmint of Texas.


Ok, I don't know if that's really true, but there sure are a lot of those fuckers down here, so we're going with it for this story. 

A man in Pleasant Grove, Texas, was trying to sell a frozen armadillo carcass to a woman in a parking lot.  Apparently, the woman was going to eat the critter, because, you know, we don't have any freakin' beef or anything down here in cattle country.

There was some dispute over the price of the armored delicacy, so the man started throwing the frozen animal at the woman, causing bruising on her leg and chest.

That's how we roll in the Lone Star State!  If you piss us off, we beat you with a frozen armadillo.

You've been warned....

7 comments:

  1. We Texas women have anger issues that can only be sated by hurling frozen walking speed bumps lol!

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  2. I am literally in stitches right now.

    I sometimes kinda wish I normally fraternized with this segment of society, just so I could maybe understand these people a little better.

    On the other hand, I have no desire to be beaten with a frozen armadillo.

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  3. Moral of the story is.. Stupid bitches shouldn't mess with their behinds, especially if they think they have too LITTLE of one. I got lots to share, too.

    As for the armadillo.. Yep, that's how you folks roll down there. I'm thinking he wasn't dealing with a brain child in the first place.

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  4. ummm, that doctor is all kinds of sick looking. oops did I say doctor. That creature.

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  5. I don't understand why someone would WANT to look like that. I mean, she did that on purpose.

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  7. I love your posts. Does that woman think that surgery looks good? She needs an armadillo thrown at her - especially if she has daughters who look up to her as a role model!! OMG!

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