tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57435750102789020322024-03-12T17:24:43.957-07:00Opto-MomOpto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.comBlogger89125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-71360117626795612532014-01-22T01:05:00.001-08:002014-01-22T01:05:38.225-08:00Week 2 - Bachelor 2014 - Juan Pabloooo<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay, now the fun begins. Girls getting date cards, other girls getting pissy because they didn't get a date card, and yet other girls going topless. Wait. What? Read on, dear reading people.</span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>One-On-One</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The first one-on-one date went to Clare! She's a real cutie patootie with a good personality. The producers and other T.V. people rented snow machines to turn a little corner of L.A. into a winter wonderland for the couple. Clare and JPab sledded down a hill. Or was that a toboggan? Shit, I don't know. I'm from Texas, people! Then they ice skated, which Clare was not very good at, but she laughed and had a great time with it. Afterwards, that lucky gal got to give Juan a back rub in the hot tub. Then she talked about her dad dying, which really should have been a mood killer, but they ended up cuddling in the hot tub after that. Good date, overall, and she got the date rose and some very hot kisses. Toward the end, they had a private concert by Josh Krajcik, whose smoky voice lent a very romantic air to the night. I'm thrilled they didn't start the year off with another damn helicopter ride; however, they did keep alive the hot tub cliche'. But.....I'm willing to let it slide, because ummmm, Juan Pablo without a shirt. That's all.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>In The Meantime, Back At The Mansion</b></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1V2eKDdkwnQ/Ut4RgPrAJAI/AAAAAAAABeo/eL82-vDruBg/s1600/lucy+-+Copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1V2eKDdkwnQ/Ut4RgPrAJAI/AAAAAAAABeo/eL82-vDruBg/s1600/lucy+-+Copy.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have a feeling we are going to be seeing a lot of this black box this season.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Lucy the "free spirit" (what exactly is the salary for a "free spirit?") was hanging out with the girls....with her girls hanging out. Yep, just standing in a hot tub with a swim bottom and no top. All the other girls were sitting, and I kept thinking, "Sit down already, ya free spirit chica! You look awkward." It's like she was trying to show off. Well, at least the girl knows how to get camera time. She will definitely be invited to the next Bachelor Pad, if that show is still in the works.</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fs23pnBZSFQ/Ut4XIIu4cPI/AAAAAAAABe4/s7V_q2OzZws/s1600/kat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fs23pnBZSFQ/Ut4XIIu4cPI/AAAAAAAABe4/s7V_q2OzZws/s1600/kat.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Next to get an individual date was Kat. They boarded a private jet, but JPabs wouldn't tell her where they were going. In an interview, she speculated that maybe they would go to New York City, "where it's, like, romantic; it's private; it's just the two of us." I had to rewind that to make sure she really made that statement about the most populated city in the U.S. Over 8 million people live there, dear, and there's more than 27,000 people per square mile. {Sigh} So, Juan and Kat get dressed up in neon flashing clothes and accessories and land in Salt Lake City. Kat's outfit was totally adorable (totes adorbs?), by the way. They were at the Electric Run, which is like a dancing 5K. This was by far the coolest Bachelor date EVER, even though thinking about 5K usually makes me slightly nauseous. At the end of the run, they got up onstage and danced together, and Juan gave her the rose.</span></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pf8u5dpzrMY/Ut48-jID0cI/AAAAAAAABfM/zXw0zhjgLq4/s1600/1st+group+date.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pf8u5dpzrMY/Ut48-jID0cI/AAAAAAAABfM/zXw0zhjgLq4/s1600/1st+group+date.png" height="640" width="259" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The girls are having a photo shoot with some cute shelter dogs. They actually showed footage of one dog trying to hump another, and of dogs peeing and dropping a deuce. Gee, thanks, ABC. I was trying to eat Nutter Butters over here! Anyhoo, the girls got dressed up to kind of match the dogs they would be shooting with. Everything was going swimmingly, until Elise and Andi were given just a sign to wear. Otherwise, they were to be nude, and this was understandably freaking them out. Elise went to talk to the director, and he told her that it's not about what she's wearing, it's about helping a good cause. Ummmm, then give them some clothes to wear, since a naked woman IN NO WAY will make people want to adopt a dog any more than a girl in a swimsuit. It can make you lose your job, but that's not important to Mr. Big-Time Director. Elise got smart and traded costumes with Lucy, who was very nice about the whole thing, since she likes being naked anyway. Andi was still stuck with being nude, but Juan Pablo told her he was going to do it with her. And not in a creepy way either. He was being really comforting and sweet. So, Andi, Juan, and Lucy posed nude with a dog. Boy, I tell you, I really feel like adopting a dog after seeing that...NOT! I would, however, adopt Juan Pabloooo.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The after-party included a rooftop and lots of couches, as per Bachelor Rules and Regulations. Cassandra told JP that she has a son who is almost 2, and he seemed excited about it. Renee wanted a kiss, but didn't get one. Victoria had way too much wine, and Nikki quietly told her she needed to tone it down. Vic was insisting she was sober, while simultaneously slurring and weaving a bit. She eventually went cuckoo pants and started running all over the hotel in a drunken rant. The Bachelor staff put her in a room to sleep it off, and JP gently sent her home the next morning. Oh, and Kelly got the group date rose.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here are the Week 2 survivors:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And we said good-by to: </span></div>
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Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-43263891575740875752014-01-14T00:35:00.004-08:002014-01-14T00:35:36.161-08:00Bachelor 2014 - Week 1 - Meet the Gals!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's that time of year again! When women from all over America prop up their boobs and try to win the love (and big ole engagement ring) of an ab-licious hunk after a mere few weeks of dating. In this case, Mr. Abs is Juan Pablo, and he was so popular, they had to allow 27 ladies to enter the fray. So, let's meet the ladies, shall we?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let the cat fights and whining commence! Actually, things started out pretty well, because Juan Pablo started playing music so they could have a dance party. He also had a photo booth in the mansion so the girls could loosen up and act goofy.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He had good conversations with Nikki and Renee. Lucy the "Free Spirit" was kinda touchy-feely and put her bare dirty feet on his lap. Ewwwww, just ewwwww!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Amy J. broke out the massage table and rubbed oil all over her hands. Then she proceeded to massage him WITH HIS SUIT ON, and all I could think was, "How the hell is he going to get all that oil out of his expensive suit?" Then she had him take his jacket and shoes off, and had a near orgasm over the size of his hands. I think this was more awkward than free spirit girl.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Chelsie and Juan got silly in the photo booth, and she seemed like a very fun girl. Elise told him about her mom passing away a year ago, but they appeared to get along well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then we were treated to about 20 minutes of Lauren H. crying about wanting time with JPab, a bad breakup, her low self-confidence, blah blah blah... Ok, please go home now. When she finally got to talk to him one-on-one, the conversation was very uncomfortable and weird.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some redheads can pull off wearing pink, but Kylie....ummm, not so much. Stick with the jewel tones, sister. Also, she told him that she dreamed about him, which was a little creepy, to be honest.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Juan Pablo seemed very interested in Andi when she got out of the limo. In fact, his eyes practically popped out of his skull. He kept glancing down at her cleavage, which was tastefully displayed in a navy dress. They seemed to have a good rapport, as well.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Juan mentioned to Sharleen several times that he liked her dress. She is an opera singer, which is probably why she seemed so serious, almost to the point of being stiff at first. She finally loosened up a little, and he gave her the first-impression rose....right after she told the camera that she didn't feel instant chemistry and that it seemed a little forced. She actually hesitated when he offered her the rose! It was quite awkward.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rose Ceremony:</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cue the dramatic music. Here are the keepers: </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ok, more after I can finish watching the first week of dates. Have a great week!</span></b></div>
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Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-39416271868793678662012-05-27T20:13:00.002-07:002012-05-28T20:35:18.815-07:00Haters B Hatin'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Dear White People Who Try To Act Ghetto,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Please stop bitching about not having a job and about people not taking you seriously when you write on facebook something similar to this:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Y U muthafukas be hatin on me? U don’t even no me an u run yo muthafukin mouth bout me an my fam, Bitches done even know da way I am so fuck yall and don’t mess wit me.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wow! It’s amazing that you’re not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company by now! And you wonder why they won’t let you work the front counter at McDonald’s. You’re relegated to burger flipper or fry girl/guy because even Mickie D’s doesn’t trust you to deal directly with the public.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But I’m compassionate, because I know it was difficult to grow up in a nice brick home with your own room, nice clothes, family who loved you, and a car when you turned 16. It’s no wonder, with this most difficult life you’ve had, that you turned to the ghetto mentality. [Rolling eyes.]</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Despite my sarcasm, I will try to help you by outlining some things to avoid saying on facebook, Twitter, or in your daily life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. <b>Baby daddy/baby mama</b> - White people! Please stop saying this! In fact, everyone stop saying this. Basically, you’re just telling people, “I’ll knock up/get knocked up by anyone and I won’t even remember their name.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. <b>You know what I’m sayin’?</b> - No, we don’t know what you’re saying, because you’re stupid and we’re not.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3. <b>You don’t know me!</b> - Unless you’ve taken a time machine and gone back to appear on The Jerry Springer Show circa 1991, this phrase should never again be uttered.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">4. <b> Haters be hatin’.</b> - No. Intelligent people be hatin’.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">5. <b>Typing “da” or “tha.”</b> - The word is “the.” It’s three fucking letters! The average 4-year-old can spell it, and I know you can too. Stop trying so hard to make yourself look ignorant.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">6. <b>Yeahhhhh, boyeeeee.</b> - The only way white people should be allowed to use this phrase is if they are Vanilla Ice or one of the original members of the Beastie Boys. Otherwise, people want to slap the shit out of you when you say this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, don’t get me wrong. The occasional ghetto slang is okay if you’re trying to be funny, but if you truly think that talking like that makes you a badass, then you are dumber than a box of hammers.</span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SJLR8zLpQEw/T8RD38zzmSI/AAAAAAAAA_Q/CFc1Gjaz8JI/s1600/white-gangsta.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-SJLR8zLpQEw/T8RD38zzmSI/AAAAAAAAA_Q/CFc1Gjaz8JI/s1600/white-gangsta.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you seriously think talking like this makes you a “gangsta,” white people are rolling their eyes at you, black people are laughing behind your back, Hispanic people are just relieved you’re not trying to imitate them, and Asian people are glad that there is one more person’s ass they will kick on the SAT.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, follow my guidelines and one day you could become assistant manager at McDonald’s, or maybe even at Kohl’s. If what I’ve written here pisses you off….well, I’ve just got one thing to say: Haters be hatin!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sincerely,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Opto-Mom</span><br />
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</div>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-71195772024178526632011-10-31T19:24:00.000-07:002011-10-31T19:28:09.413-07:00Happy Hallow-Christma-Giving<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m so confused. (Yeah, there’s a shocker.) </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Is it Christmas already? Did I sleep through Halloween and Thanksgiving, or did we just skip all that shit and go straight to the Ho Ho Ho Season?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, it’s Halloween today? Well, ya could knock me over with a feather, because I went to The Wal-Mart looking for some Halloween stuff, and thought I had stepped into a Winter-fucking-<span id="goog_695383547"></span><span id="goog_695383548"></span>Wonderland. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There were Christmas dresses and wreaths and lights and various holiday doo-dads all over the place. And hidden behind a lovely selection of Hickory Farms Holiday meat baskets, I finally found 2 bags of low-budget Halloween candy (you know, the kind with mostly those crappy-tasting jawbreakers?), a Superman cape, and a hooker wig.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Luckily, I already had a costume for Miss Smarty Britches and myself (so that hooker wig's still available, ladies!). We took part in a haunted birthday party last weekend. MSB was the Grim Reaper, and I was a zombie.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cyqavfTNGIw/Tq9EgTvbXQI/AAAAAAAAAdQ/qNG4Rv-poTk/s1600/elaina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" ida="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cyqavfTNGIw/Tq9EgTvbXQI/AAAAAAAAAdQ/qNG4Rv-poTk/s400/elaina.jpg" width="298" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Just add red lipstick, and I'm Courtney Love!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We really had a lot of fun scaring the shit out of little kids. Yeah, we’re mean.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The kids went on a “haunted” walk through the woods. MSB was up in a treehouse, so it looked like she was floating, and she threw plastic spiders on the kids when they walked past her.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They stuck my ass out in the woods by some fake headstones with a spooky light. I laid down in front of the headstones, and my cousin dumped two trash bags full of leaves on me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When the kids walked by, I stuck my hand up out of those leaves, and the screaming and crying began! WooooHoooo! I fucking ROCK as a zombie! Then I limped after them <em>a la</em> Jason Vorhees, eliciting even more peewee panic.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, tonight MSB is trick-or-treating with my sister and her two-year-old, who is the cutest stinking li’l cowboy EVER!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And I’m at home with more than 5 minutes to myself, so I decided to grace you with a Halloween blog post.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, last Halloween I did a post about how all of the female costumes were slutty, naughty, or sexy. I suggest you read it </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-wanna-be-halloween-ho.html"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">HERE</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, or my zombie self will come to your house and eat your brains.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This year, I've decided to post about what some of you people do to your poor dogs every Halloween. That's right....doggie costumes! Along with what I think these pups would say to their owners if they could talk.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I hope you get warts."</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qop3NkzxjZg/Tq9Hw5okKqI/AAAAAAAAAd0/0xHPFmo1RAw/s1600/pilgrim-boy-dog-costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qop3NkzxjZg/Tq9Hw5okKqI/AAAAAAAAAd0/0xHPFmo1RAw/s400/pilgrim-boy-dog-costume.jpg" width="372" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Somebody better save me a turkey leg."</span></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z_otwfs1j34/Tq9H_Fc3eXI/AAAAAAAAAeA/5hCmN6N5wxE/s1600/cat-in-the-hat-dog-costumes.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z_otwfs1j34/Tq9H_Fc3eXI/AAAAAAAAAeA/5hCmN6N5wxE/s400/cat-in-the-hat-dog-costumes.png" width="248" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"A cat? You dressed me up as a fucking cat?"</span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IXOFhavhklc/Tq9IPrcPMCI/AAAAAAAAAeM/saZjUS9-hGQ/s1600/Funny-Dog-Costumes-5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="319" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IXOFhavhklc/Tq9IPrcPMCI/AAAAAAAAAeM/saZjUS9-hGQ/s400/Funny-Dog-Costumes-5.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm a wild and craaaazy guy!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gIcuPPEoF1I/Tq9Lq9fZRUI/AAAAAAAAAeY/jGu5d55CxAM/s1600/dog-cheerleader-costumes.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="324" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gIcuPPEoF1I/Tq9Lq9fZRUI/AAAAAAAAAeY/jGu5d55CxAM/s400/dog-cheerleader-costumes.png" width="384" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What are the guys down at the park gonna say?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zl1uxGaHfD4/Tq9L8rjm-aI/AAAAAAAAAek/0dP72zIbEvs/s1600/chefdogcostumes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zl1uxGaHfD4/Tq9L8rjm-aI/AAAAAAAAAek/0dP72zIbEvs/s400/chefdogcostumes.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Oh yeah. I'm cooking you up something REAL nice. Check your shoe in the morning."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p7es9zb_prc/Tq9MEtHOhdI/AAAAAAAAAew/GASF_tuAizs/s1600/885911-large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p7es9zb_prc/Tq9MEtHOhdI/AAAAAAAAAew/GASF_tuAizs/s400/885911-large.jpg" width="227" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I couldn't be Toto. Nooooo, I've gotta be that skipping bitch Dorothy!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wTffmgTmCjk/Tq9M3DfBsOI/AAAAAAAAAe8/9v1pGlz_UnM/s1600/draft_lens1545704module56999862photo_1252800249pirate_skipper_dog_costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="394" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wTffmgTmCjk/Tq9M3DfBsOI/AAAAAAAAAe8/9v1pGlz_UnM/s400/draft_lens1545704module56999862photo_1252800249pirate_skipper_dog_costume.jpg" width="350" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Gilligaaaaan!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iQQw6-VpfqA/Tq9M8QXeT6I/AAAAAAAAAfI/oe4_ZBZdv8c/s1600/dog-costume-basketball-588x589.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iQQw6-VpfqA/Tq9M8QXeT6I/AAAAAAAAAfI/oe4_ZBZdv8c/s400/dog-costume-basketball-588x589.jpg" width="399" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"The bitches love a baller!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-orvNgQkKtgI/Tq9NCntf8JI/AAAAAAAAAfU/-KVZp_IXsOQ/s1600/cute-dog-costumes-11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-orvNgQkKtgI/Tq9NCntf8JI/AAAAAAAAAfU/-KVZp_IXsOQ/s400/cute-dog-costumes-11.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm the bride, and this is MY day! I said I wanted roses, not no cheap ass daisies! It's MY DAY, DAMMIT!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_Lmxx3b9Dv8/Tq9NrfQFFyI/AAAAAAAAAfg/R1z_8uZGPNk/s1600/clown-dog-costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="358" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_Lmxx3b9Dv8/Tq9NrfQFFyI/AAAAAAAAAfg/R1z_8uZGPNk/s400/clown-dog-costume.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Kiss my ass. Really."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S7oLvuLm0sQ/Tq9OBNhXmtI/AAAAAAAAAf4/VtMiD5NQ49g/s1600/corset-halloween-dog-costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S7oLvuLm0sQ/Tq9OBNhXmtI/AAAAAAAAAf4/VtMiD5NQ49g/s400/corset-halloween-dog-costume.jpg" width="324" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I'm really more of a jeans kind of girl."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wjmiYqvTv4g/Tq9OMWG-HaI/AAAAAAAAAgE/4s0Q6Iyz1gU/s1600/draft_lens1545704module148811043photo_13159360164_dogs_ghost_costumes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="288" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wjmiYqvTv4g/Tq9OMWG-HaI/AAAAAAAAAgE/4s0Q6Iyz1gU/s400/draft_lens1545704module148811043photo_13159360164_dogs_ghost_costumes.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Garsh, our owners are creative...NOT!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KX-0lkFJzKM/Tq9OUrzODcI/AAAAAAAAAgQ/40tpCNzm8PQ/s1600/superhero-dog-costumes-8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KX-0lkFJzKM/Tq9OUrzODcI/AAAAAAAAAgQ/40tpCNzm8PQ/s400/superhero-dog-costumes-8.jpg" width="235" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I am Bark Vader."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X7mhJuwIFzI/Tq9OcDSANrI/AAAAAAAAAgc/ts5HwSf65jQ/s1600/yoda-dog-costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X7mhJuwIFzI/Tq9OcDSANrI/AAAAAAAAAgc/ts5HwSf65jQ/s400/yoda-dog-costume.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Shit on your rug, I will."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RBc-soQkZaw/Tq9OhtJTDdI/AAAAAAAAAgo/FAv-kTt8A2c/s1600/sheriff-halloween-dog-costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="375" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RBc-soQkZaw/Tq9OhtJTDdI/AAAAAAAAAgo/FAv-kTt8A2c/s400/sheriff-halloween-dog-costume.jpg" width="375" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I bit the sheriff...."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-duaKSyikLb4/Tq9OoEQ9qiI/AAAAAAAAAg0/ursOiPcu7bM/s1600/red-scarlett-ohara-dog-dress.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-duaKSyikLb4/Tq9OoEQ9qiI/AAAAAAAAAg0/ursOiPcu7bM/s400/red-scarlett-ohara-dog-dress.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What do you mean you don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no puppies?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6RMzxKOW_i0/Tq9OxkRjYvI/AAAAAAAAAhA/DxJ1ABIEGG0/s1600/tacodogcostume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="350" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6RMzxKOW_i0/Tq9OxkRjYvI/AAAAAAAAAhA/DxJ1ABIEGG0/s400/tacodogcostume.jpg" width="350" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I never get my own costume! I always have to wear my cousin, the chihuahua's hand-me-downs. NO quiero Taco Bell!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sEPmu0oYFTQ/Tq9O8knusGI/AAAAAAAAAhM/asfqdIE0T-k/s1600/raptor-dinosaur-dog-costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-sEPmu0oYFTQ/Tq9O8knusGI/AAAAAAAAAhM/asfqdIE0T-k/s400/raptor-dinosaur-dog-costume.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"What am I, Jurassic Bark?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0o09fqploMU/Tq9RH4Tv5fI/AAAAAAAAAhY/7ozLF66Ar4I/s1600/enhanced-buzz-10845-1255720430-7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0o09fqploMU/Tq9RH4Tv5fI/AAAAAAAAAhY/7ozLF66Ar4I/s400/enhanced-buzz-10845-1255720430-7.jpg" width="262" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"I am SO chewing your hat later, sailor boy."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zm3LCQcuZAo/Tq9RX8o_RUI/AAAAAAAAAhk/zq5xftCuYfo/s1600/enhanced-buzz-11142-1287944643-4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zm3LCQcuZAo/Tq9RX8o_RUI/AAAAAAAAAhk/zq5xftCuYfo/s400/enhanced-buzz-11142-1287944643-4.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Yeah, I'm Paula Deen's dog."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eydj-qGtQjg/Tq9RfvLcbGI/AAAAAAAAAhw/9kB6UWHOyKs/s1600/imagesCA7X6VMX.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="210" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eydj-qGtQjg/Tq9RfvLcbGI/AAAAAAAAAhw/9kB6UWHOyKs/s400/imagesCA7X6VMX.jpg" width="240" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Slash can't rock out without his hat and guitar. Bring me my fucking hat and guitar!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CIPCMMego6s/Tq9RmFpT8ZI/AAAAAAAAAh8/xlcNZn7IB2M/s1600/red-school-girl-halloween-dog-costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="306" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CIPCMMego6s/Tq9RmFpT8ZI/AAAAAAAAAh8/xlcNZn7IB2M/s400/red-school-girl-halloween-dog-costume.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Hey, Marmaduke. Wassup, big boy?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Zi4fNlyaAdc/Tq9RsZUTvaI/AAAAAAAAAiI/00kNdFwzcfI/s1600/hot-dog-costumes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="332" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Zi4fNlyaAdc/Tq9RsZUTvaI/AAAAAAAAAiI/00kNdFwzcfI/s400/hot-dog-costumes.jpg" width="395" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Weiner dogs dressed as hot dogs: yep, that's original."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E1DRkaG6g7Y/Tq9TPBTN4PI/AAAAAAAAAiU/WVlIyRP1E68/s1600/purple-pimp-dog-costume.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="395" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-E1DRkaG6g7Y/Tq9TPBTN4PI/AAAAAAAAAiU/WVlIyRP1E68/s400/purple-pimp-dog-costume.png" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Pimpin' ain't easy."</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C3M44j4-Xa0/Tq9Twmjfb1I/AAAAAAAAAig/QsCJE8yBc_M/s1600/lioness-hallloween-dog-costume.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-C3M44j4-Xa0/Tq9Twmjfb1I/AAAAAAAAAig/QsCJE8yBc_M/s400/lioness-hallloween-dog-costume.jpg" width="290" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You've jacked my hair all up. Do you have any idea how much my salon charges?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mVfNCdMun6A/Tq9UHqyB-aI/AAAAAAAAAis/M-wxk-HnYbU/s1600/elvis-dog-costume.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="395" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mVfNCdMun6A/Tq9UHqyB-aI/AAAAAAAAAis/M-wxk-HnYbU/s400/elvis-dog-costume.png" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"But I'm not even a hound dog!"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ZZ1qCnzGaU/Tq9UN923sqI/AAAAAAAAAi4/TfmJ1DSmXtI/s1600/enhanced-buzz-10861-1255719401-10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="305" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ZZ1qCnzGaU/Tq9UN923sqI/AAAAAAAAAi4/TfmJ1DSmXtI/s400/enhanced-buzz-10861-1255719401-10.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Have the lambs stopped crying, Clarice?"</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, there you go. Hope you enjoyed this year's Halloween post. And for cripe's sake, just let your doggie be a doggie!</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-12148742577544996532011-06-08T23:55:00.000-07:002011-06-08T23:55:56.105-07:00Rock On, Extremely Drunk Dude!<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">This<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> past weekend, the husband and I went to a local festival where they were having 3 tribute bands. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">For those who don’t know, tribute bands are bands that dress and perform like a famous band. It’s basically for people who are too cheap to go see the real thing. [Pointing discreetly at husband.]</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">First was an Eagles band, and then an excellent AC/DC band. The final band, Guns 4 Roses started at 10:00 p.m. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hey, bet you can't guess which band Guns 4 Roses pays homage to. Hint: It‘s not Aerosmith.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Anyway, by this time, some of the people at the festival were pretty toasted. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And by toasted, I mean drunk as hell, shit-faced, sloshed, plastered, juiced, three sheets to the wind.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And no, this is not an autobiography. Assholes.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The dude who is the focus of this post was all of the above, and probably some I couldn’t think of. I think he may have also been a crackhead, except he wasn’t skinny. Maybe he’s new at being a crackhead, and just hasn’t lost the weight yet. Hmmmmm.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So, after watching the drunk for a while, I thought of you, my bloggy friends, and whipped out my camera. Here is a series of photos, along with a narrative by yours truly (that’s me!).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VUJ6KUTYx-k/TfBTyp9I4xI/AAAAAAAAAZo/ktfqxXMeoDs/s1600/IMG_0319.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VUJ6KUTYx-k/TfBTyp9I4xI/AAAAAAAAAZo/ktfqxXMeoDs/s400/IMG_0319.JPG" t8="true" width="298" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Let's show some skin and get it started up in this mo-fo!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jMd1GuEgt1E/TfBZwZ8HFjI/AAAAAAAAAZs/l63apqaoDQ4/s1600/IMG_0316.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jMd1GuEgt1E/TfBZwZ8HFjI/AAAAAAAAAZs/l63apqaoDQ4/s400/IMG_0316.JPG" t8="true" width="298" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He's gonna do a trick! He's gonna do a trick!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z4jwo8tyWK4/TfBakQW6kMI/AAAAAAAAAZw/s3hWhpBuy9A/s1600/IMG_0313.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Z4jwo8tyWK4/TfBakQW6kMI/AAAAAAAAAZw/s3hWhpBuy9A/s400/IMG_0313.JPG" t8="true" width="298" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Eh, never mind. He's just gonna hold up that pole for now.</span><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_Ae4gHAXpYs/TfBbbUYWnqI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/A8nPEVVwM20/s1600/IMG_0312.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_Ae4gHAXpYs/TfBbbUYWnqI/AAAAAAAAAZ0/A8nPEVVwM20/s400/IMG_0312.JPG" t8="true" width="298" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whoa! Somebody moved the damn sidewalk!</span><br />
<br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8aIUiy4BCmQ/TfBcUFrqNcI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/3UojjZgyAsI/s1600/IMG_0320.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8aIUiy4BCmQ/TfBcUFrqNcI/AAAAAAAAAZ4/3UojjZgyAsI/s400/IMG_0320.JPG" t8="true" width="298" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That's right, buddy. Drink a little more. #nothelpful</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LtOvjNDYNQo/TfBfl1IDeVI/AAAAAAAAAaA/n6xIM_l3PI4/s1600/IMG_0310.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LtOvjNDYNQo/TfBfl1IDeVI/AAAAAAAAAaA/n6xIM_l3PI4/s400/IMG_0310.JPG" t8="true" width="298" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Young man, there's no need to feel down</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I said young man, pick yourself off the ground."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AC/DC sang that, right?</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dNfe5CLDszg/TfBeXUnAV7I/AAAAAAAAAZ8/n0FViV20v-0/s1600/IMG_0321.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-dNfe5CLDszg/TfBeXUnAV7I/AAAAAAAAAZ8/n0FViV20v-0/s400/IMG_0321.JPG" t8="true" width="298" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Drop it like it's HOT!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And for our final picture, I just couldn't resist popping my sweaty head up in there.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rEnmONHT_T4/TfBnEEBPkKI/AAAAAAAAAaE/ySk72o57yFM/s1600/IMG_0302.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rEnmONHT_T4/TfBnEEBPkKI/AAAAAAAAAaE/ySk72o57yFM/s400/IMG_0302.JPG" t8="true" width="300" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Before I go, I would like to say that my favorite vendor at the festival (besides the funnel cake stand, of course) was Black Top Revolution. Go check them out <a href="http://www.blacktoprevolution.com/">here</a>.</span></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">They had some awesome shirts, rockin' boots, and really cool jewelry. I totally need some of this stuff to appropriately portray my rock 'n' roll lifestyle, so y'all go buy some gear and make sure to tell them I sent you; and PLEASE stress that they should send me some free shit.</span></div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Go, do it now! Thanks!</span></div>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-18701035651690933562011-06-02T00:17:00.000-07:002011-06-02T00:17:15.432-07:00I'm Gonna Hunt You Down, Hit-And-Run Driver!<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I stopped at Family Dollar last night to get some thread because Miss Smarty Pants has a dance recital this week.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Any veteran dance parent knows that thread will be a necessity at some point in the recital. Other required items include: safety pins, scissors, Tylenol, Valium, Mountain Dew, vodka, and pepper spray for other people's unruly children.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[Note: A stun gun can be substituted for the pepper spray.]</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anywhoodles, I went to the dollar sto’ for some silver thread (which they didn’t have, but kiss my ass, because white is just going to have to work). MSP didn’t want to go inside because she was wearing makeup and had her tap outfit on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, being the nice (read: lazy) mom that I am, I let her stay in the car. After all, I’d be in and out in 2 minutes.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It actually turned into 3 minutes because I couldn’t find the thread because it was by the goddamned soup. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Way to make shopping convenient, Family Dollar!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So when I come back out, MSP hops out of the car and tells me that some lady hit my car and drove off.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another lady who witnessed the cruel ramming of my sweet Honda came up and gave me her phone number and a partial license plate number and a description of the perpetrator.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The witness tried to stop the car-abusing bitch from leaving, but the wench just waved her hand vaguely, and said, “Tell her I live over there, and she can come to my house.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then she DROVE THE FUCK OFF! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I know you’re thinking, “No she didun’t!” Well, yes she DID!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ok, now I’m pissed. There’s really not much damage to my car, just a few scratches, but she should have either waited on me or left me a note.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I probably would have told her not to worry about it. But not now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh noooooo! She done pissed off the Opto-Mom now, so I called the police. They drove around “over there,” which was the general direction that the vehicle-bashing asshat indicated with that vague wave of her scummy hand.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They didn’t have any luck finding her, probably because she lives “over yonder,” which is the exact opposite of “over there,” just in case you’re not familiar with Texas vernacular.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It does give me a small amount of satisfaction that my Honda SUV only has a few scratches, but the witness lady said that Miss Shithead’s SUV looked like it had been smashed with a large hammer.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Muahahahahaha! MUAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, sorry.</span><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Kqr5pp5dzqs/Tec285yR6gI/AAAAAAAAAZU/faNRaTNkZvk/s1600/yuk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="207" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Kqr5pp5dzqs/Tec285yR6gI/AAAAAAAAAZU/faNRaTNkZvk/s400/yuk.jpg" t8="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artist's representation - Not the actual vehicle of the asshat.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But I’m not giving up. Anyone here in East Texas, be on the lookout for a white Yukon with a smashed back end. The driver was a black female with a pink shirt.*</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Make sure to leave me YOUR ideas of an appropriate punishment for Miss Scuzz-Nugget.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m coming for ya, Biotch! Be afraid…</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">*Please note that the perpetrator probably has more shirts, and has most likely changed out of the pink shirt in an effort to avoid my Sherlock-like detection.</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-70317229741725067632011-05-27T09:21:00.001-07:002023-01-26T17:43:56.444-08:00World's Worst Names for a Metal Band<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">As some of you may know, my husband is in a rock band. </span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bakqmC4FKIY/Td_BCITvbsI/AAAAAAAAAY0/arguYmMzFIc/s1600/100_1252%255B1%255D.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bakqmC4FKIY/Td_BCITvbsI/AAAAAAAAAY0/arguYmMzFIc/s400/100_1252%255B1%255D.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">When they started trying to think of a name for the band, they went through several options. The first name they came up with was <strong>Dy-Nasty</strong>. Like Dynasty, but with a little more “nasty.” </span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">The next name that they considered was <strong>Dirty Dick and the Four Skins</strong>, but that was nixed because they only had 4 people in the band, and none of them were named Dick. Damn! And I really liked that one.</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">They finally settled on <strong>SnakeBone</strong>, which is a good name for a rock band because you’ve got “Snake,” which is kinda sinister sounding, and you’ve got “Bone,” which is creepy.</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Yeah. Rockers are into skulls and shit like that. </span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Because my mind works in mysterious ways, I decided to think up some of the WORST names for a rock/metal band. And share them with you, because I'm generous like that.</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Metallicious</strong> - Kinda like Bootylicious, but more metal-y.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Rainbow Zombies</strong> - Here is a pic to depict the awesomeness of the Rainbow Zombies.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zbPByVxcU8k/Td_MaL86Q7I/AAAAAAAAAY8/qmtt-smqLaU/s1600/Zombies.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="304" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zbPByVxcU8k/Td_MaL86Q7I/AAAAAAAAAY8/qmtt-smqLaU/s400/Zombies.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Wretched Kangaroo Abortion</strong> - I may have to trademark this.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Buffalo Ballet</strong> - And that’s totally NOT a Kirstie Alley reference.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Blonde Spider Apocalypse</strong> - Oooh, scary...and yet still sexy, don't ya think?</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Shaved Kitten</strong> - Ok, I must say that this one is pretty fuckin’ great!</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pwHLQgL54z0/Td_Mln3Q5lI/AAAAAAAAAZE/-ZzKRVvjI_E/s400/pic_12379216641511.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meow, muthafucker.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-pwHLQgL54z0/Td_Mln3Q5lI/AAAAAAAAAZE/-ZzKRVvjI_E/s1600/pic_12379216641511.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Drunken Prius</strong> - For the metal band gone “green.”</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>The Chunky Ferrets</strong> - I'm thinking Sammy Hagar could front this band.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Head Bangtastic</strong> - Mixture of head banging and fantastic-ness.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>The Cheesy Skull Boys</strong> - Skull for the spooky factor, and cheese because, well…cheese is hella awesome!</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ckjXgX6yIFo/Td_Ms6w9UHI/AAAAAAAAAZM/AlgRNKp5zLM/s1600/skull.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ckjXgX6yIFo/Td_Ms6w9UHI/AAAAAAAAAZM/AlgRNKp5zLM/s400/skull.jpg" width="279" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Cocaine Diaper Addiction</strong> - This reminds me of my uncle. Trust me, you don't wanna know.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Black Avalanche Band</strong> - Has kind of a cool vibe.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Iron Unicorn</strong> - Not your everyday sparkly unicorn.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Ass of Lucifer</strong> - My husband’s totally going to try and steal this one.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="font-size: large;">On that note, I think we’re done here.</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-65480495155318260662011-05-11T07:20:00.000-07:002011-05-11T07:20:40.548-07:00Archie Comics - Betty's Still a HoI recently posted an updated version of the Archie Comic strip. You can check it out<strong> </strong><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-should-be-shot-for-doing-this.html"><strong>here</strong></a>.<br />
<br />
Unless you're a comic book purist, in which case...ya might not wanna go there. Also, get a fucking life, you goober nerd. Comic book purist? Really?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oymHxSLf1P8/TcqYV9iQ-MI/AAAAAAAAAYM/ED2ViZiDbo4/s1600/comicbookvillains8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="181" j8="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oymHxSLf1P8/TcqYV9iQ-MI/AAAAAAAAAYM/ED2ViZiDbo4/s400/comicbookvillains8.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This pic came up when I Googled "comic book purist."</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <br />
Anywho, here is Episode 2 of the edgier, more relevant Archie:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PdW6zUkvnXQ/TcqZsnD3HOI/AAAAAAAAAYQ/_6CVXVhsPds/s1600/arc.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" j8="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PdW6zUkvnXQ/TcqZsnD3HOI/AAAAAAAAAYQ/_6CVXVhsPds/s400/arc.bmp" width="267" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5OaoAQuNRgw/Tcqak3LcVPI/AAAAAAAAAYU/HfgqKeCQPLc/s1600/arch.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" j8="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5OaoAQuNRgw/Tcqak3LcVPI/AAAAAAAAAYU/HfgqKeCQPLc/s400/arch.bmp" width="262" /></a></div>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-33489401719597815932011-05-08T00:55:00.000-07:002011-05-08T01:02:49.190-07:00OMG! Am I Going To Get Sappy Here?<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">First of all, I would like to say that my sister, Lacy, is AWESOME! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Really, she didn't even bribe me with bacon to say that. I came up with it all on my own!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wanna know what she did? Do ya? Do ya?</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ok, keep your pants on (except for you there sir...you can take yours off). I'm gonna tell you.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My sister made a beautiful pictorial tribute to our mom and put it on YouTube. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--jjNVYR_qZc/TcZB3JPPqFI/AAAAAAAAAYI/YKiyxfkOthQ/s1600/Mom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="386" j8="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--jjNVYR_qZc/TcZB3JPPqFI/AAAAAAAAAYI/YKiyxfkOthQ/s400/Mom.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mom. Isn't she lovely? (Just say, "YES!")</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our mom died in 2000 before she could see either of her beautiful grandbabies, who I will describe for you now. Briefly, so you don't get bored.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My daughter is Miss Smarty Pants (MSP), and she was born in 2001. My sister's baby, who we will call Rocker Dude (RD) was born in 2009. RD is so named because the child is not even 2 years old, and he already LOVES guitars. He likes to hold them, play them, look at them, lick them, what-ever-the-hell, just give the boy a 'tar and he is dandy.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, without further ado, here is the video. I've narrated the pics below, just in case you give a shit who all these people are. Also, there are very sexy pictures of my legs included, so try to control your libidos, folks!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ok, I guess that was WITH further ado, but now there's no more ado, so here is the video:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/NM8oCHfhAfU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><strong><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, who the heck are these people?</span></strong></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. Our grandma (Mom's mother)</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. Mom's parents</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3-6. Pics of my mom wearing a selection of corny glasses from the 60s and 70s.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">7. Mom and Dad - damn weirdos!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">8. Me and Mom with a goat and a weird farmer dude. This is why I have an aversion to farms to this day!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">9. Mom - more glasses</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">10. Bringing my baby sis home from the hospital. That's me with the sexy legs. I'm not sure how those skinny things didn't break in half. Good Lord!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">11. Me and Dad</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">12. Mom and me holding kids at a birthday party. I think that's my sister trying to stick her head in the cake.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">13. Mom and Lacy (my little sis) - They are so sweet when they're asleep, right?</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">14. Me, Mom, Lacy</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">15. Dad, Mom, and me holding Lacy. As you can tell, I got my sexy legs from my dad...but not my socks...</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">16. Lacy as a baby on the left. Me as a baby on the right. Don't write it out loud on here, but feel free to e-mail me privately if you think I'm cuter.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">17. My husband and me.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">18. Me lookin' all professional</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">19. Me and Dad. Grandma in the background picking her teeth.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">20. My and my husband - gettin' ready to ROCK!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">21. My sis, Lacy, at her high school graduation (the year after Mom died).</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">22. My cute sister!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">23. Lacy</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">24. Lacy and Jerry Garcia...oh, wait! That's our dad.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">25. Lacy</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">26. My wedding day; My sister's wedding day.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">27. Me and Dad; Lacy and Dad - at our weddings.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">28. Me after swallowing an entire ham. No. Wait. I was just pregnant. Damn!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">29. Lacy with a cute little pregnant belly. I'm going to slap her next time I see her.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">30. Holding my daughter for the 1st time.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">31. Lacy holding her son for the 1st time.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">32. Dad with MSP (1st grandchild)</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">33. Dad with RD (1st grandson)</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">34. Lacy with my baby</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">35. Me with Lacy's baby</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">36. Me and MSP</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">37. Lacy and RD</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">38. Sister and her family</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">39. Dad, Lacy, me, and MSP at Lacy's nursing school graduation.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">40. Husband dancing with MSP</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">41. My husband playing 'tar with RD</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">42. Lacy with MSP at Miley Cyrus concert.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">43. Lacy and me</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">44. Me, Dad, Lacy</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">45. Lacy - thinking she's a damn princess! Whatever!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">46. Me giving the stank eye. WHY????</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">47. Daughter being prissy before she became a tomboy.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">48. MSP</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">49. MSP the biker baby with my dad</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">50 - 52. MSP</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">53. RD and MSP - their 1st Christmas pics</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">54. RD with his faux hawk - Rock on, dude!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">55. RD the chubby cheeked wonder!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">56. RD and his daddy</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">57. RD with his 'tar!!!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">58. RD</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">59. Bad hair day for my mom (top), MSP (middle), and RD (bottom)</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">60. Siblings - my mom on the right. Their aunt in the front</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">61. Some of Mom's awesome sisters! Love these girls!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">62. Mom in the middle with some of her brothers and sisters.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">63. Me and my sister lighting a candle in memory of our mom at Lacy's wedding. She shoulda been there. It's not fair.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you're still here, thanks so much for sticking with me. And please give my sister a standing ovation. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yes, right there at your computer. Go ahead and do it now, and I'll make sure to pass it along.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Happy Mother's Day, everyone!!!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And Mom, I miss you dearly, every single day of the year. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-35928535337531099842011-05-05T00:08:00.001-07:002023-01-26T18:17:37.376-08:00Hobos and Vomit and Dildos, Oh My!<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I couldn’t decide what to call this post.</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"></span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Since I went to Dallas this past weekend, I originally called it “Shelia Does Dallas.” (If you don’t get that reference, you’re probably too young to be reading my blog.)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span lang="EN">But <em>Hobos and Vomit and Dildos, Oh My!</em> sounded quite charming and whimsical, which is totally what I was going for here.</span></span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Now, don’t worry! This is not a boring look-at-my-pictures-of boring-stuff-I-did-this-weekend kind of post. There’s lots of action and fun, so read on, readers!!!</span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I went with my crazy cousin, Tammy, to see Lisa Lampanelli at the Majestic Theatre Friday night.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">At the show, there was a whole row of very flashy dudes sitting behind us. Most of them were very cool, but one of the men was very loud and rude during the opening act; so my cousin turned around and told him to shut the fuck up. She’s so shy!</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I was fully expecting to be ambushed by the dudes in the parking lot. </span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">However, we did make it out safely (probably due to the giant pair of scissors I had in my purse) and then checked into the Hyatt Regency. Here is an over-the-balcony pic that made my butt hole clench up while I was taking it.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GzkOjUCN2xM/TcGs0gVSLVI/AAAAAAAAAWY/-6BaNypWIM4/s1600/IMG_0175.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="299" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GzkOjUCN2xM/TcGs0gVSLVI/AAAAAAAAAWY/-6BaNypWIM4/s400/IMG_0175.JPG" width="400" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">On Saturday, we went to Dick’s Last Resort for some great food and drinks. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TGpZANIYGzs/TcGuGG8UfVI/AAAAAAAAAWg/O4-OW2YuOOM/s1600/IMG_0143.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="299" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TGpZANIYGzs/TcGuGG8UfVI/AAAAAAAAAWg/O4-OW2YuOOM/s400/IMG_0143.JPG" width="400" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Our awesome waitress made us some very classy hats.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-z3IKO7D2Zgw/TcGuW4oFaEI/AAAAAAAAAWo/XRG-aZvR_pQ/s1600/IMG_0148.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-z3IKO7D2Zgw/TcGuW4oFaEI/AAAAAAAAAWo/XRG-aZvR_pQ/s400/IMG_0148.JPG" width="228" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8PbVINjU5bY/TcGuf11nRbI/AAAAAAAAAWw/mfmxIR91q20/s1600/IMG_0145.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8PbVINjU5bY/TcGuf11nRbI/AAAAAAAAAWw/mfmxIR91q20/s640/IMG_0145.JPG" width="446" /></span></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="328" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ZAfjAwKVbc/TcGuuZLHI7I/AAAAAAAAAW4/W8IfmcxOpBA/s400/IMG_0146.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If you can't see this, the dude has a broken finger, and his hat says, "I broke my finger in her butt!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0ZAfjAwKVbc/TcGuuZLHI7I/AAAAAAAAAW4/W8IfmcxOpBA/s1600/IMG_0146.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">For some reason, a group of ladies decided to bring their kids into Dick’s. Bad idea! I was trying to hide my totally inappropriate hat because the kids were staring and trying to read it.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">The kids were mostly girls, but trailing them was one young boy. He read my hat, and then waggled his eyebrows at me, and said, “Nice!”</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Oh. My. God.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I just received a nice-blow-job-hat eyebrow waggle from a friggin‘ 9-year-old!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Then the tornado sirens started going off in downtown Dallas, and the electricity went off. I went to the bathroom, and thought I had locked the door properly, but hell…it was dark…who knew for sure?</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">This hooker in a sparkly dress busts into my stall, practically crushing my skull with the stall door.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">She trilled, in a very annoying little voice, “Omigod! I’m like, so sorry. But it’s ok because we all have, like, the same parts. Hee hee hee!”</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Yeah, bitch, but what about that subdural hematoma you just gave me?</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Here is a pic of the stall-slamming whore who wore a sequined evening dress to a restaurant that serves ribs and something called “Chick’n Fry’d Chicky.”</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yxRgGwVK1uM/TcI-LChthhI/AAAAAAAAAXA/s5GLVrA9ffM/s1600/IMG_0149.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yxRgGwVK1uM/TcI-LChthhI/AAAAAAAAAXA/s5GLVrA9ffM/s640/IMG_0149.JPG" width="422" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">When I regained consciousness, Tammy and I decided to scope out the city. That’s when we spotted a store called “Condoms To Go.”</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NjnrftIYWfs/TcI-kmSfWyI/AAAAAAAAAXI/57sVTyjRcJk/s1600/IMG_0150.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="329" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NjnrftIYWfs/TcI-kmSfWyI/AAAAAAAAAXI/57sVTyjRcJk/s400/IMG_0150.JPG" width="400" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">We just knew this had serious blog potential, so we entered the establishment to do a little research.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Yes, it was totally for research, not because we are perverts. Seriously, stop laughing!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">A young lady employee, who we shall call “Cherry” was schooling us on the benefits of a personal shaving product called “Coochy.” With a straight face. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I decided that this was an excellent time for an impromptu blog interview. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Me:</strong> So this place is “Condoms To Go.” Is there also a “Condoms To Stay” in the city?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Cherry:</strong> Ummm, not that I know of. It’s pretty much a take-out kind of business.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Me:</strong> Has anyone ever asked if you have a fitting room?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Cherry:</strong> {giggling} No, but that’s an excellent idea!</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Me:</strong> Do you have any of these edible underwear that taste like chicken?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Cherry:</strong> We only have apple and watermelon.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Me:</strong> Do these pasties pull the hair off of your nipples when you remove them?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Cherry:</strong> You have hair on your nipples?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Me:</strong> Uhhh, never mind! I’m doing the interviewing here, dammit! So, about these 12-inch diameter butt plugs...does anyone actually buy these?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Cherry</strong>: A few people. Very few.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Me:</strong> Can I have their phone numbers?</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><strong>Cherry:</strong> No. </span></span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Then she walked off. Hmmph. And I thought it was going so well!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Here are some interesting pictures that I covertly snapped in the store:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-07p24IoQ-sM/TcJAk1P3UXI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/PRMppR6DTz4/s1600/IMG_0154.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="339" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-07p24IoQ-sM/TcJAk1P3UXI/AAAAAAAAAXQ/PRMppR6DTz4/s400/IMG_0154.JPG" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TYrcN6OpNkw/TcJBK9qnsEI/AAAAAAAAAXY/cGN8w7yXw7M/s1600/IMG_0152.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-TYrcN6OpNkw/TcJBK9qnsEI/AAAAAAAAAXY/cGN8w7yXw7M/s400/IMG_0152.JPG" width="250" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JGoPHb8HidU/TcJBhfv2OPI/AAAAAAAAAXg/pAAOEAZT1Kk/s1600/IMG_0155.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="330" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JGoPHb8HidU/TcJBhfv2OPI/AAAAAAAAAXg/pAAOEAZT1Kk/s400/IMG_0155.JPG" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BwjXuuCsSZA/TcJB_BkKy3I/AAAAAAAAAXo/rDdUuDkj7dM/s1600/IMG_0156.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="355" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BwjXuuCsSZA/TcJB_BkKy3I/AAAAAAAAAXo/rDdUuDkj7dM/s640/IMG_0156.JPG" width="640" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Later on Saturday night, we poofed up our hair for a night on the town.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7seIkwa_xA8/TcJCvZGCx4I/AAAAAAAAAXw/mzU1y-isPos/s1600/IMG_0166.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7seIkwa_xA8/TcJCvZGCx4I/AAAAAAAAAXw/mzU1y-isPos/s640/IMG_0166.JPG" width="344" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Tammy and I decided it would be a super-fun idea to ride the train over to the West End.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Sometimes "super-fun" actually translates to "super-homicidal."</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">While waiting for the train, we were accosted by several very aggressive hobos who “just wanted to buy some food, man.” </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I’m sure they would NOT have used the money to buy booze or cigarettes, even though they all smelled like 2 a.m. at the local honky tonk.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">One of them even pulled out her papers to prove that she had just gotten released from jail that day.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Because that made her seem much more respectable.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Also, we saw someone’s pants in the trash can. I don’t even want to know. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--Smz5t1uMmQ/TcJDnQd-6PI/AAAAAAAAAX4/vdZNermmvM8/s1600/IMG_0125.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="336" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--Smz5t1uMmQ/TcJDnQd-6PI/AAAAAAAAAX4/vdZNermmvM8/s400/IMG_0125.JPG" width="400" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Hey, maybe one of the panhandlers can sell these pants to buy more <strike>crack and Wild Turkey</strike> food.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">When we finally got on the train, we noticed a very strange and foul odor. Checking the seat in front of us, we saw this:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LVzINYf-3Jo/TcJFHvoA4XI/AAAAAAAAAYA/HjyBZxhaDBI/s1600/IMG_0168.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LVzINYf-3Jo/TcJFHvoA4XI/AAAAAAAAAYA/HjyBZxhaDBI/s400/IMG_0168.JPG" width="264" /></span></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><br />
</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Yes, that’s vomit.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Thank God we had a very short ride to our destination.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">We rounded off the evening by eating some excellent sushi, having a few drinks, listening to some music, and NOT riding the train back to the hotel. Taxi!!!</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Despite a massive head wound, potential tornados, the vomit incident, and monster anal plugs, this was the most fun I‘ve had in a long time!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Yes, my social life is sad.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Now, who wants to go with me on my next road trip?</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-1531807050068392922011-04-29T11:47:00.000-07:002011-05-05T22:29:49.853-07:00My Post about Slutty Fruit<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In my </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/04/shopping-with-charles-manson.html"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">last post</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">, I discussed my shopping trip with a Charles Manson twist. One of the more mundane things I bought was some ladies’ shaving gel. Well, I thought it was mundane, but now it's inspired a whole blog post.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To pick out shaving gel, I usually just smell them all and pick out the one that makes my nose happy. I didn’t even look at the name of the one I just bought until I got home and shaved my legs. Then I noticed that the scent was called “Flirty Mango.”</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Flirty. Mango.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What the fark? Men don’t have to deal with this shit! Their choices are original and…well, original.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mango-scented, I can understand. But why does the damn mango have to be flirty?</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I keep imagining this:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sqIgnpER77w/TbsAI6MWdMI/AAAAAAAAAVQ/zUwhoN0VIZk/s1600/flirty.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sqIgnpER77w/TbsAI6MWdMI/AAAAAAAAAVQ/zUwhoN0VIZk/s400/flirty.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Or Joey from Friends as a flirty mango:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Snc1_z1i8lE/TbsAbTSZqVI/AAAAAAAAAVY/na86bgozlA8/s1600/joeyf.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Snc1_z1i8lE/TbsAbTSZqVI/AAAAAAAAAVY/na86bgozlA8/s400/joeyf.png" width="327" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">How about Mango Madonna:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NDasUUULEG4/TbsA0fMQTdI/AAAAAAAAAVg/G5TEqSpJHxE/s1600/madonna-cone1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="342" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NDasUUULEG4/TbsA0fMQTdI/AAAAAAAAAVg/G5TEqSpJHxE/s400/madonna-cone1.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The fabulous Sean Connery Mango:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ftx2T24zEho/TbsBHmMtRtI/AAAAAAAAAVo/Gov8yX2clrY/s1600/mango.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ftx2T24zEho/TbsBHmMtRtI/AAAAAAAAAVo/Gov8yX2clrY/s400/mango.jpg" width="398" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The romantic and flirty Pepe LePew Mango:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vNpfauyy3wc/TbsBWpXujwI/AAAAAAAAAVw/8fNsnzGbuFU/s1600/pepe.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="311" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vNpfauyy3wc/TbsBWpXujwI/AAAAAAAAAVw/8fNsnzGbuFU/s400/pepe.png" width="400" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Leonardo DiCaprio Mango:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u1DRY6xDjvM/TbsBi9-fhQI/AAAAAAAAAV4/Kgs6HEYQAyw/s1600/340x_leo_titanic_king_of_world-jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-u1DRY6xDjvM/TbsBi9-fhQI/AAAAAAAAAV4/Kgs6HEYQAyw/s400/340x_leo_titanic_king_of_world-jpg.jpg" width="281" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Can't forget Mango Sheen:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uLdV7t7hH10/TbsBvDiIPsI/AAAAAAAAAWA/_qdYyYwaxL0/s1600/Charlie-Sheen-arrested.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="372" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uLdV7t7hH10/TbsBvDiIPsI/AAAAAAAAAWA/_qdYyYwaxL0/s400/Charlie-Sheen-arrested.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And finally, MangObama:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-908lQgtroEE/TbsB2pSAb-I/AAAAAAAAAWI/2OpHuFzWgPA/s1600/6270mango.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="359" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-908lQgtroEE/TbsB2pSAb-I/AAAAAAAAAWI/2OpHuFzWgPA/s400/6270mango.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I also researched some of the other shaving cream scents:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Alluring Avocado</strong> - The flirty mango's slutty cousin.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Strawberry Kiwi</strong> - I can’t figure out why so many marketing folks are obsessed with frigging kiwi. Kiwis look like monkey balls (trust me….and don‘t ask).</span></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Raspberry Rain</strong> - The scent formerly known as Purple Rain. Or Raspberry Beret. Whichever, I’m feeling a strong Prince influence in the shaving cream aisle.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, it's not just scents. I was looking online for some t-shirts, and decided to share the variety of colors with you. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You're welcome!</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I remember when fuschia became the color of choice in the 80’s. (I may or may not have had a fuschia prom dress.) We dealt pretty well with fuschia, and we even accepted teal and mauve into the mainstream, but today’s descriptions left me baffled. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<strong>Camel</strong> - I’m praying that this describes the color and not the smell.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Sage</strong> - I don't really want my shirt named after an obscure spice. Who the fuck uses sage, anyway? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Rose</strong> - Again, is this the color or the smell? Guess it’s better than “Camel.”</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Foliage</strong> - I just have no words to describe how stupid this one is. It’s GREEN, people! Just say, “GREEN!”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<strong>Hollyhock</strong> - Is it red? Is it green? Nope….it’s purple! WTF?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Electric Lime</strong> - It can’t just be lime green. Oh, noooooo! It’s gotta be friggin’ electric!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>French Navy</strong> - Do the French even have a navy?</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Sun</strong> - I had a shirt like this once. We called it, “Yellow.”</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Snow</strong> - Pretty sure that’s white, unless you count yellow snow, but then they probably would have called it “Sun Snow.”</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Coffee</strong> - I’m just waiting for Starbucks to start naming shirt colors. “I need a large v-neck in dark mocha cinnamon crema frappa-latte, please. And a biscotti.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Delph blue</strong> - I’m not sure what the hell a “delph” is, but the shirt was pretty.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Green Palm</strong> - As opposed to the orange palm…</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Tamale</strong> - Also available in “Enchilada.”</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Eggplant</strong> - Doesn’t even SOUND attractive.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Lino</strong> - It was plain ole gray, but lino sounds much fancier!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Kiwi</strong> - Again with the damn kiwi!</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Fresh Raspberry</strong> - Ladies, if you want to confuse the shit outta your husband, ask him to bring you your “fresh raspberry shirt” from your closet.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">So, there is my consumer report for the day. Now I have to go use my Flirty Mango shaving gel, put on my Tamale-hued shirt and my Cappucino-colored shoes, get in my Ebony car, and take my ass to Dallas for the weekend.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Someone, please put the city on alert.</span><br />
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</span></span></span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-88719081299853410502011-04-20T21:38:00.001-07:002023-01-26T18:23:35.224-08:00Shopping With Charles Manson<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I went shopping the other day to get a few household items and an Easter dress for my daughter. (That’s ONE, 1, UNO dress...got it?)</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">So, of course, I ended up with 3 dresses for her - they were on sale - DON’T judge me!</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qoZ8Z4EMmiw/Ta-yyA9xBtI/AAAAAAAAAVE/ecu-35KIeUQ/s1600/IMG_0109.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" i8="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qoZ8Z4EMmiw/Ta-yyA9xBtI/AAAAAAAAAVE/ecu-35KIeUQ/s640/IMG_0109.JPG" width="489" /></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">While I was at JCPenney‘s, I decided that I needed some new undies. I’m just minding my own bidness in the underbritches section, when I saw this.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7ldnO3PV11k/Ta9uFkWQxII/AAAAAAAAAU0/41Jm2i0HGyI/s1600/IMG_0058.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="360" i8="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7ldnO3PV11k/Ta9uFkWQxII/AAAAAAAAAU0/41Jm2i0HGyI/s400/IMG_0058.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Omigawd! Is anyone’s ass actually that small? How do you even take a poop when your backside is not much larger than a friggin’ peanut? Here is another picture for some perspective.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-p6t5GTpOrZs/Ta-pb7vGngI/AAAAAAAAAVA/rwUcL5tFSsQ/s1600/IMG_0059.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="340" i8="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-p6t5GTpOrZs/Ta-pb7vGngI/AAAAAAAAAVA/rwUcL5tFSsQ/s400/IMG_0059.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">That’s a quarter beside the teeny tiny drawers. If we stay with this analogy, my undies could pay down the national deficit.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Even though I felt like a fatass after seeing these miniscule ass covers, I picked out some new undergarments (also on sale - woooohoooo for me!) and headed to The Wal-Mart for my household items.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">After my last trip to The Wal-Mart (click </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/03/cashier-at-wal-mart-tells-me-about-her.html"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">here</span></a><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"> to read about the cashier and her coochie), I know you’re probably surprised that I would go back.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Alas, I am known in this land as BraveLiver (BraveHeart was already taken…), so I stoically entered the store of doom and began my shopping. They were out of my deodorant (assholes), so I moseyed on over to the shoe section to find Miss Smarty Pants some Easter shoes.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">[Side note: I was going to buy her some shoes at Penney’s, but they were all, like $50, and her feet grow about eleventy inches a week, so I’m being a cheapskate on these shoes she will only wear once a week for about an hour. Also, she is only 9 years old, but wears a size 10 in ladies shoes, and all of the shoes in that size at Penney’s looked like stripper shoes.]</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">[Side note #2: Good Lord, does anyone know how to make my kid’s foot stop growing?!?!? Or does anyone know when Shaquille O‘Neal is having a garage sale? And does he have a penchant for sparkly open-toe sandals and flip-flops? Probably NOT??? Well, shit!]</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Apparently, Wal-Mart has hired Charles Manson to organize their shoe section.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-x6FTz1jlec0/Ta-zsjLpSXI/AAAAAAAAAVM/iVwwZizg61E/s1600/walmart.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" i8="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-x6FTz1jlec0/Ta-zsjLpSXI/AAAAAAAAAVM/iVwwZizg61E/s640/walmart.png" width="396" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">This is helter skelter right here people!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Speaking of Charley-Boy, I would like to take this opportunity to thank him for his recent thoughts on global warming. After his expert commentary, I am SOLD!</span><br />
<br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">It sure is nice of those prison officials to let Mr. Helter Skelter out to do hands-on research on global warming. I didn't even know he was a scientist! Now, let’s let him work on the deficit. I’ll donate my underwear……</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-82189935958006750582011-04-15T15:15:00.000-07:002011-04-15T20:16:51.997-07:00How To Get Kicked Out Of The Hospital<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My daddy was recently hospitalized for a 10-inch blood clot in his leg. Yeah, I said a 10-freaking-ass-inch blood clot!</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lQwpDGglmTI/TaiY4p0jRhI/AAAAAAAAAUI/q2-6FjGw920/s1600/IMG_0002%255B1%255D.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" r6="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lQwpDGglmTI/TaiY4p0jRhI/AAAAAAAAAUI/q2-6FjGw920/s400/IMG_0002%255B1%255D.JPG" width="297" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, we’ve gotta get these sexy legs fixed, right? They have him on some blood thinners, and also some heart meds, because his heart was going into atrial fibrillation. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You may remember that my dad is borderline crazy. Not in a schizophrenic kind of way, but in a lovable half-step-away-from-the-loony-bin kind of way. Of course, this totally endeared him to the nurses.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They loved him! There was one little nurse who he ribbed at every opportunity. She asked if she could get him anything, and he pointed at the oxygen tubes they had up his nose. He said, “Yeah, can you go outside and get some damn grass burrs to run up my nose? Because that would be more comfortable than this thing.”</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He was constantly making nutty comments like this. And don’t even get me started on his visitors.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hXelUJnkS8k/TajBDqbAR0I/AAAAAAAAAUM/PWCsmqAsveM/s1600/004.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" r6="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-hXelUJnkS8k/TajBDqbAR0I/AAAAAAAAAUM/PWCsmqAsveM/s400/004.JPG" width="298" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">WTF???</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is Dad’s classmate from back in high school, Marguerite. She showed up in his hospital room with this horse head on. They are 60 years old, and still act like little kids! It was pretty freakin’ funny, though!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then there was my husband. The white board in the hospital room lists the nurses and doctors on call for that particular shift. Well, my husband took a note from Chevy Chase in the classic movie, Fletch, and wrote “Dr. Rosenpenis” on the white board. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We are a fairly loud and rowdy bunch, and I fully expected a team of hospital administrators to storm through the door with discharge papers at any minute.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But I think they actually enjoyed having us there. The nurses seemed to come into my dad's room a lot more often than necessary, whether to see what he was going to say next or to get some of the food he was constantly offering them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dad offered one of his favorite nurses some ribs and she snuck into the bathroom to gobble them down, because apparently, the hospital frowns upon nurses accepting barbecue from the patients. Go figger!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But we weren’t the only ones pulling hijinks at the hospital. We were there on April Fool’s Day, and someone in the staff put up a sign by the printer that told employees that they had new software, and the printers were now voice-activated. The sign told them to just say their name and how many copies they wanted.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, all morning, there were people yelling at the printer, “THIS IS CAROLINE. I NEED 4 COPIES.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I guess that’s better than replacing everyone’s pain pills with Viagra. That's what I would have done!</span><br />
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</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-46060220051185289162011-04-06T14:57:00.000-07:002011-04-06T14:57:20.072-07:00My Momma Can Throw Insults Better Than Your Momma<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, folks - it’s time for another edition of The Mommy Diaries. Since my mom is no longer with us and she was such a hoot, I decided to share some of her crazy stories with you, my readers. </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you haven’t read the one about my mom jumping off a bridge, then check </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2010/11/mommy-diaries-my-mom-jumped-off-bridge.html"><span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">this one</span></a><span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> out.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mom had a childhood friend named Margaret Ann. These two were always getting into trouble together. Getting into trouble tends to be a recurring theme in my mom’s life, in case you haven‘t noticed. You would think she would have grown out of that after high school, right?</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ehhhh, not so much.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They were in their early twenties when Margaret Ann had a little lunch party at her house with my mom and a lady we will call Jean for the purposes of this story (mostly because I don’t remember her actual name, but Jean sounds about right).</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mom didn’t know Jean, but they were all getting along well, perhaps due to the bloody Marys they were drinking at lunch. They started talking about old boyfriends and dates from high school, when my mom piped up with, “Oh my Gawd, Margaret Ann! Do you remember that guy, Marty, that you fixed me up with in high school? The one with the greasy-ass hair?”</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Margaret Ann kicked my mom under the table.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My mom didn’t notice, and continued, “I’m still mad at you for that one! Good Lord, if he had one more pimple, he would have had to hold it in his hand. I was scared to touch him!”</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Margaret Ann kicked her again, this time a little harder.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mom apologized for bumping into her leg and proceeded to bash good old Marty: “You remember I had to hide out in the bathroom the entire night just to avoid his breath. Oh, girl! It smelled like he chewed on the ass end of a goat!”</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Margaret Ann kicked the holy shit out of my mom, and gave her the “STFU” look.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of course, my dear mother was entrenched in her story by this time and remained oblivious to the look. She just scooted her chair away from Margaret Ann a bit and continued to regale them with the faults of Marty. “He was so damned bucktoothed, he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence! I was afraid he was going to put my eye out. Ha ha ha ha.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She didn’t notice that she was the only one laughing.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Finally, Jean stood up and haughtily announced, “Marty is my brother.”</span><br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f9rdjEATcqM/TZzhJJ9jGsI/AAAAAAAAAUA/CfKwdMjAOuY/s1600/greasy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" r6="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-f9rdjEATcqM/TZzhJJ9jGsI/AAAAAAAAAUA/CfKwdMjAOuY/s320/greasy.jpg" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Artist's rendition of The Marty.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">{cricket, cricket, cricket} </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mom: “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with a nicer personality than that sweet Marty! How is he doing?” [feeble smile]</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At this point, Jean stormed out, mumbling something under her breath that sounded an awful lot like, “Bitch.”</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Boy, my mom could really liven up a party!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-39868741295414511752011-03-30T21:17:00.001-07:002023-01-26T18:31:49.031-08:00Newsflash About Teeth...And Strippers...And Guns...<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">It’s time for another edition of Opto-Mom’s Newsflash. Today's topic is teeth, but it also involves, strippers...and guns...and marijuana. Oh hell, just read it already!</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">If you haven’t read my previous Newsflash posts, you should check them out. After all, I want you all to be well-informed readers. If you enjoy reading about sexy goats, golfing transvestites, and healthy dwarves, then read </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/02/newsflash-that-has-nothing-to-do-with.html"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #274e13;">this</span></a><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"> one. If you like discussions of orgasms and crazy cookie bitches, check out </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/03/newsflash-involving-orgasms-that-have.html"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #274e13;">this</span></a><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"> one. If you appreciate the ability of people to hide items in their rectums, then </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/03/newsflash-about-assholes-literally.html"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #274e13;">this</span></a><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"> is the post for you.</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #0b5394;"><strong>HE JUST WANTED TO SEE SOME BOOBIES</strong></span></div><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #0b5394;">A man in Indianapolis was minding his own business at a strip club when he received the surprise of a lifetime. And I don't mean a free lap dance...or herpes. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #0b5394;">Jake Quagliaroli was sitting about 20 feet from the stage when an apparently very aerodynamic stripper shoe struck him in the face, chipping several of his teeth.</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IEZSW7i4MOA/TZGchGJCtRI/AAAAAAAAATw/MbP-6Xwe8gY/s1600/stripper.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="309" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IEZSW7i4MOA/TZGchGJCtRI/AAAAAAAAATw/MbP-6Xwe8gY/s400/stripper.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Pictorial representation of the event.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana;">So, did he meekly drive home and make up an excuse to his wife about getting his teeth knocked out while saving a group of orphans from a roving band of ninjas? Of course not!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana;">Mr. Quagliaroli did what any modern red-blooded American man would do: he sued the strip club for "lifelong dental injuries."</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana;">Yeah, because it's totally unreasonable to expect clothing items to be flying off the stage at a strip club. I have a friend who almost had an eye put out by a rogue rhinestone flying off some hunk's junk at Chippendale's. But did <strike>I</strike> she sue? Of course not!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana;">Why are you looking at me? My eye is just red because I poked it with the mascara brush. Really!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana;">Seriously, I don't know if he's married or not. If he's not, can you imagine the family of his future bride googling his name to check him out? BUSTED!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Verdana;">Shoulda gone with the ninja story, Jake!</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #660000;"><strong>STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY'S POT!</strong></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><span style="color: #660000;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Waltdell and Walter Davis are brothers from New Orleans. Waltdell found out that his brother had smoked some of his pot. Well, that just made Waltdell madder than a cannibal at an anorexia camp.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">Who wants to bet me that their daddy's name contains some version of "Walt" and that they have a brother named "Waltrick?"</span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">Anyway, regarding the pot stealing, Waltdell said, "Ah HELL naw, mo-fo!" and shot Walter in the face with a .22 revolver. Fortunately for Walter, the bullet bounced off of his gold tooth, sparing his life. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">[Side note: I'm thinking that maybe Strip Club Jake from the first story should have been wearing some gold teeth. Can I get an AMEN?]</span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">So, all you punk ass bitches hatin' on Flava Flav, better step off. Now we know he wears that bulletproof grill for safety, and not because he's a ghetto freak. It doesn't explain the giant clock or other weird shit that he wears, but I'm sure there's some reasonable explanation for them. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">Uh huh. 'Cause nothing says "reasonable individual" like these pictures:</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GmjBFB-JJlU/TZOVt4Y7ZqI/AAAAAAAAAT8/z3SCecJ5P-g/s1600/20060622_flava_flav.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="353" r6="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GmjBFB-JJlU/TZOVt4Y7ZqI/AAAAAAAAAT8/z3SCecJ5P-g/s400/20060622_flava_flav.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #4c1130;">Flava Flav - A genius among men?</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #660000;"><br /></span><div><span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #660000;">And here's a shocker...Waltdell was on probation. [Gasp!] So, he was arrested for probation violation, admitted to shooting his brother, and was promptly charged with aggravated battery and possession of a firearm by a felon.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: #660000;">I think he should have also been charged with being an anti-dentite. Just sayin'...</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana;">Well, folks. That wraps it up for another edition of Newsflash. I hope you've learned something, or at least had some fun.</span></div>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-36065349958870941992011-03-23T01:24:00.000-07:002011-03-23T01:24:37.297-07:00Anyone Know of a Good Place to Bury a Headless Body?<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I remember as a child, if I did something particularly annoying or stupid, my dad would often comment, “Now I see why some animals eat their young.”</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">NOT that I ever did anything annoying or stupid. I probably never did…well, almost never…though there was that one incident involving the cat and my dad’s electric razor….</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Whatever! So, I’ve recently been researching female animals that eat their mates. Mostly because I’ve decided to kill and eat my husband.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-R_NiC5heLfk/TYmrHzuLPlI/AAAAAAAAATU/w0wogx-4BYM/s1600/mantis.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="317" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-R_NiC5heLfk/TYmrHzuLPlI/AAAAAAAAATU/w0wogx-4BYM/s400/mantis.gif" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">{GASP!} Before you send me e-mails filled with shocked outrage, you have to hear these two little anecdotes:</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Episode 1: ANNOYING THE OPTO-MOM</strong></span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To be honest, he probably could have gotten away with this one as a stand-alone affront. Our nine-year-old, Miss Smarty Pants (MSP), was going to work with me one day last week - ahhh, gotta love Spring Break! The night before, she was picking out her clothes to wear the next day, and she comes in with some maroon shorts (that were waaaay too small) and a yellow t-shirt with pink and blue screenprinting. And green blinged-out flip flops. None of this stuff even remotely matched.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, I’m not one of those moms who subscribes to that mamby-pamby, <em>let-your-child-wear-whatever-they-want-so-you-don’t-suppress-their-creativity-and-individuality</em> bullshit. If you’re going somewhere with me, your hair will be brushed, your face will be washed, your freakin’ clothes will MATCH, and no booty shorts, for crap’s sake!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Doing what all children do when one parent says, “no,” MSP went to get her daddy’s opinion on her fine ensemble. She returns looking smug and triumphant. “Daddy says it looks fine.”</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, she’s taking fashion advice from the local Ralph Lauren. This is the man who, when we were going out to a nice restaurant, and I asked the inevitable question, “Is that what you’re wearing?” replied, “Well, I hosed my flip flops off with the garden hose.” Yeah.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After much whining (on both our parts), we settled on the yellow t-shirt and some denim shorts that actually fit. I let her wear the green flip flops, because they were light green and could almost pass for yellow, but she had to paint her toenails because they looked crusty.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The point is, the appropriate father response regarding fashion should always be, “Whatever your mother says. She’s a fashion genius.” {Preening in my sweats.}</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Episode 2: INSULTING THE OPTO-MOM'S ASS</strong></span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is the one that really made me want to go all praying mantis on the husband. We were folding clothes, and he held up some jeans, and asked, “Are these yours or Miss Smarty’s?”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now, Miss Smarty is really thin, so I was initially flattered that he could even remotely mistake my jeans for hers. I smiled my most winsome smile and replied that they were mine. I might have flirtatiously batted my eyelashes, too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then the husband said, “No way! You can’t fit all your junk in these pants!”</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dude, sometimes it’s best to just stop while you’re ahead, or I will have to re-introduce The Stank Eye.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FQvdaYpm7QI/TYmrgi0pQ4I/AAAAAAAAATc/CW_Ni4cwdyY/s1600/stank%2Beye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="351" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FQvdaYpm7QI/TYmrgi0pQ4I/AAAAAAAAATc/CW_Ni4cwdyY/s400/stank%2Beye.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If that doesn't work, or if I have PMS, then this will most likely be the result:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WjMi78ji_uU/TYmryt34sKI/AAAAAAAAATk/tfmTKcszPfE/s1600/praying_mantis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></a></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-DyqE7rTQiqE/TYms8zO1gaI/AAAAAAAAATs/CpHKak2n5_E/s1600/praying_mantis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="346" r6="true" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-DyqE7rTQiqE/TYms8zO1gaI/AAAAAAAAATs/CpHKak2n5_E/s400/praying_mantis.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Seriously, don't jack with me.</td></tr>
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</div></span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-28359701475393703322011-03-14T02:29:00.000-07:002011-03-14T02:29:24.423-07:00Newsflash About Assholes (Literally)<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Assholes. I knew putting that in the title would make you look! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love you, my readers, but you’re really a bunch of weirdos, okay? Some of my most popular posts have titles about coochies, penises, pubic hair, orgasms, and nudity. I think I’ve found my niche.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you haven’t read my previous 2 Newsflash posts, you should check them out. After all, I want you all to be well-informed readers. If you enjoy reading about sexy goats, golfing transvestites, and healthy dwarves, then read </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/02/newsflash-that-has-nothing-to-do-with.html"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">this</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> one. If you like discussions of orgasms and crazy cookie bitches, check out </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/03/newsflash-involving-orgasms-that-have.html"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">this</span></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> one. </span><br />
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<span lang="EN" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, this week's Newsflash involves all things asshole. No, I’m not talking about people who act in a foolish and uncouth manner. I’m actually talking about the rectal/anal area of the body; specifically, odd items being placed up in there.</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><strong>HE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' WALLET</strong></span></span></div><span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In Florida, a man was arrested for possession and DUI. During a strip search, dollar bills started falling out of his booty hole. There was a total of $45 stuffed in his manhole.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Dude, you got change for a $10? </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is why my mother always told me not to put money in my mouth because it is dirty. However, she also often said, "I can't just pull money out of my ass!" Ya win some, ya lose some, Mom.</span><br />
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<div align="center"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><strong>BE AFRAID, MICKEY MOUSE. BE VERY AFRAID!</strong></span></span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #38761d;">In South Carolina, police responded to an attempted burglary call and found Noah Smith naked in the home. When they tried to remove him, he slapped and attacked the deputies.</span> </span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yIzIK8IQioA/TX3TKYIJ8fI/AAAAAAAAATI/IiNBUzgIb0Q/s1600/naked%2Bman.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="269" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yIzIK8IQioA/TX3TKYIJ8fI/AAAAAAAAATI/IiNBUzgIb0Q/s400/naked%2Bman.bmp" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;">I did a search for "naked man fighting," and found this awesome pic. Also lots of gay porn...</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The man was allegedly under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms (thanks, Olive Garden!) and was taken to the hospital. While there, an x-ray revealed that he had a mouse in his rectum.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A. MOUSE. IN. HIS. RECTUM. Haven't people learned ANYTHING from the whole Richard Gere fiasco? </span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-WNuWVNrD4E4/TX3VvXMBHhI/AAAAAAAAATQ/K5MxU-JA_Fs/s1600/mouse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="307" q6="true" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-WNuWVNrD4E4/TX3VvXMBHhI/AAAAAAAAATQ/K5MxU-JA_Fs/s400/mouse.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;">I is bringing my teddy bear, cuz I scared of dark places.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table> <span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, Mister Mouse-Stuffer was charged with ASSault and battery, resisting arrest, and indecent exposure. Ummmmm, what about animal cruelty?</span><br />
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</div><div align="center"><strong><span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">HOW MUCH JUNK CAN YOU STUFF IN YOUR TRUNK?</span></strong></div><div align="left"><span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Verdana;">A Florida man was in jail when officials noticed part of a condom hanging out of his rectum. Some lucky individual removed the condom and found 30 items concealed in it.</span></div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Verdana;">On a related note, I just offered up a prayer of thanks that I'm not a rectum searcher for the police in Florida.</span></div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Verdana;">Some of the items included a cigarette (Hey, can I bum a smoke?), a flint, 17 pills, an unused condom, 6 matches, an empty syringe, lip balm (This is why you don't share Chap-Stick, people!), a pharmacy receipt, and a coupon (Wait, wait...I think I have a coupon for that cereal....let me just....try to reach it....).</span></div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Verdana;">Somebody needs to start carrying a European man-bag.</span></div><div align="left"><br />
</div><div align="left"><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, that wraps it up for another edition of Newsflash. Try not to get caught with anything up your ass until next week!</span></div>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-25992058822851312472011-03-10T22:54:00.000-08:002011-03-10T22:54:16.475-08:00The Cashier At Wal-Mart Tells Me About Her Coochie<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, how I love going to The Wal-Mart, even though it’s a prime location to catch the swine flu and other communicable diseases. Sometimes I go in there and actually touch a <strike>cesspool of germs</strike> shopping cart without wearing a hazmat suit. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m a risk-taker, people. A rebel. I walk on the wild side. I’m kinda like Charlie Sheen with my Adonis blood. Winning!</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-W3cmBJ85918/TXnEoSJSi3I/AAAAAAAAATE/aeo0m0Oc2kg/s1600/walmart-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="136" q6="true" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-W3cmBJ85918/TXnEoSJSi3I/AAAAAAAAATE/aeo0m0Oc2kg/s200/walmart-2.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was at our local Wally-World Friday night, and had made it through my shopping without contracting the Ebola virus, so I was pretty pumped. Then I got to the cashier…</span></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[Bom bom BOMMMMM]</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That was supposed to be an ominous soundbite there. Did ya get that? I considered using the theme from <em>Jaws</em>, but I didn't know how to spell that music.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, the cashier (Mesha) was a young lady, probably in her early 20’s. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">As she was ringing up my purchases, she began chatting with me. She told me she really wanted to go out with her friend after work, but her boyfriend was coming to pick her up. I was nodding politely and sympathetically. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I should totally be a therapist, or something, and get paid for this shit, because people are always telling me their personal business. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pay attention now…this is where it gets really good.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me:</strong> Maybe you can just text your boyfriend and tell him you’ll see him tomorrow.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> I don’t really want to see him tomorrow either.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me </strong>(sensing drama): Really? Are you mad at him?</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> Yeah, he gonna want to have sex, and I don’t want to.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me</strong>: …………oh.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> Yeah, I done tole him I was on my period last week, so I can’t use that excuse this week, too.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me:</strong> ………uhhh, no, I guess that wouldn’t work this week.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> Yesterday I tole him I had some weird shit coming out my coochie, so he backed off.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me:</strong> ……… {trying to fake a polite smile, but probably just looking constipated} …….</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At this point, I’m thinking that if she had weird coochie stuff <u>yesterday</u>, then the boyfriend probably isn’t going to want to get near said coochie <u>today</u>, right? Ah, contraire…. Casanova had other plans. Read on!</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> He said we can just do it in the butt tonight.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: red;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me:</strong> …… {mouth hanging open, not even trying to look polite now} …..</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> Last time we did that, I tole him it hurt, ‘cuz his dick was too big to fit in my bootyhole.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me:</strong> ….{<i>OmigodOmigodWhyIsSheTellingMeThis?</i>}</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> Then he tole me I was boring! While we was still doing it! Can you believe he said that?</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me:</strong> {finding my voice} Honey, you are the least boring person I’ve met in a while.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> So I just been doing it with my friend, and girl, he appreciates every second of what I got.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: red;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me:</strong> Awwww, that’s…ummm…sweet.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: red;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> Yeah, but about my boyfriend, I think I’m gonna dump that zero. It’s just hard because he’s got a nice car.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: red;"><strong>Me:</strong></span> Well, you have to go with the <b>person</b> you like best, and not the <b>car</b> you like best.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: red;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Mesha:</strong> Hey, that makes sense. Damn, you smart!</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="color: red;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Me:</strong> Oh, ummmm, thanks and good luck with…like…all of that…you know…stuff.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So I left feeling brilliant and just a little dirty after that whole conversation WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER! </span><br />
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<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You can’t get herpes from talking about sex with a Wal-Mart cashier, can you? I shoulda bought more hand sanitizer....and Lysol...and Valtrex.</span></div>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-13049669117851119592011-03-01T15:27:00.000-08:002011-03-01T15:27:08.590-08:00Newsflash Involving Orgasms That Have Nothing To Do With Charlie Sheen<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: black;">I did a Newsflash last week, and it was so much fun I decided to make it a series. If you haven’t read last week’s, go check it out </span><a href="http://opto-mommy.blogspot.com/2011/02/newsflash-that-has-nothing-to-do-with.html"><span style="color: blue;">here</span></a><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: blue;">.</span> Then make sure to come back here for your weekly dose of crazy current events that you may not see on your local news. This week’s theme is something we all know and love: <strong>junk food.</strong></span></span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #073763;"><strong>DON’T TOUCH MY COOKIES, BITCH!</strong> </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #073763;"></span></span></div><span lang="EN"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hersha Howard, a 31-year-old Florida woman, certainly loves her Girl Scout cookies. </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span> <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do NOT F*ck with her Thin Mints.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #073763;"></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #073763; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She woke up to find that her Thin Mints were missing, so she began chasing her roommate around the room with a pair a scissors. She then proceeded to beat her roomie with a board and a sign. I wonder if the sign said, “Chill out, bitch. You can always buy more cookies!”</span></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;"><strong><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">OREOS GIVE HER OH-OH-OH-ORGASMS</span></strong></div><br />
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This story involves Gabi Jones, a 25-year-old woman from Colorado. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Gabi Jones, a woman who has apparently had MANY orgasms!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Due to a condition called persistent genital arousal disorder, Gabi has an orgasm whenever she eats junk food.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">{cricket, cricket}</span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh, sorry! I got distracted there for a minute. I’m still trying to figure out the best way to develop this particular disorder. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Good Lord, this is my dream disease! I could sit around and eat ice cream and pizza and Reese’s peanut butter cups all day AND HAVE ORGASMS! Who gives a shit if you get fat? Because you wouldn’t need a man…just Doritos.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Verdana;">This concludes your Newsflash for the week. Tune in next week for more!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Opto-Mom out!</span><br />
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</div>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-47925866014634067332011-02-27T23:17:00.000-08:002011-02-27T23:17:27.295-08:00Look Out, Monster.com!<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Signore Sexy Pants has to travel frequently due to his job. Our 9-year-old daughter, Miss Smarty Pants, is tired of her daddy traveling, because when he’s traveling it means he’s not here to properly spoil her. So, she has decided to find him a new job by making a questionnaire of twelve key items to determine a suitable new profession. I thought I would share these insightful questions with all of you, followed by his responses:</span><br />
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">1. Are you afraid of touching other people’s spit?</span> <span style="color: red;">Yes.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">2. Can you climb fast?</span> <span style="color: red;">Yes.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3. Are you a good builder? <span style="color: red;">Yes.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">4. Are you afraid of getting hurt? <span style="color: red;">Yes. (He wanted to put, “Hell, yeah!” but I wouldn’t let him.)</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">5. Are you a good massues? <span style="color: red;">Yes. (Not a bad attempt at spelling “masseuse.”)</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">6. Are you very good at math? <span style="color: red;">No.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">7. Are you a fast runner? <span style="color: red;">No.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">8. Are you okay with touching blood? <span style="color: red;">Yes.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">9. Are you afraid of talking on TV? <span style="color: red;">No.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">10. Are you good at drawing? <span style="color: red;">No.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">11. Are you good at controlling kids? <span style="color: red;">Yes.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">12. Are you a fast digger? <span style="color: red;">Yes.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Based on these questions and the corresponding answers, Miss Smarty Pants has ruled out the following occupations:</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Dentist </strong></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Rocket scientist</strong></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Olympic sprinter</strong></span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>Artist</strong></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These are the ones she has determined to still be good possibilities:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><strong>Monkey catcher</strong> (Prior experience includes chasing a toddler.)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><strong>Welder/construction contractor</strong> (No experience needed, right?)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><strong>Masseuse</strong> (I’m vetoing this one. He does that rub-in-one-spot-until-it-bleeds thing.)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><strong>Doctor</strong> (Yeah, he’ll just start on that tomorrow…shouldn’t take long.)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><strong>Actor</strong> (He does kind of resemble Vin Diesel.)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><strong>Babysitter</strong> (Is it bad that his idea of controlling kids involves duct tape and razor wire?)</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><strong>Grave digger</strong> (Perhaps a nice-paying job with the mob?)</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, if any of you are searching for a job or wanting a career change, don't pay for one of those online job search sites. Just let me know, and Miss Smarty Pants will design an appropriate questionnaire for your specific needs. Discounts will be given for regular Opto-Mom readers!</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-57350218199687379922011-02-13T20:39:00.000-08:002011-02-13T20:39:46.472-08:00Is That a Toaster In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Valentine’s Day is coming up tomorrow. If you’re not aware of this, I would like to welcome you back from your coma. We‘ve missed you!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since I’m all about public service, I thought I would attempt to gently guide you through all of the hoopla and advertisements with which you are constantly bombarded through TV, radio, billboards, etc. I will rate some of the products I’ve recently seen in ads so you don’t buy your loved one something idiotic. You’re welcome!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">First, let's review my rating system. I put it in picture form so everyone can understand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Got it? Ok, let's get started.</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The Hoodie-Footie</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HKF7dP2MnAU/TVhdSIfRFnI/AAAAAAAAAQk/oC0DjZbmMyY/s1600/hoodie-footie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="215" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HKF7dP2MnAU/TVhdSIfRFnI/AAAAAAAAAQk/oC0DjZbmMyY/s400/hoodie-footie.jpg" width="400" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have seen at least a hundred commercials for this damn thing. Does anyone see anything remotely sexy about friggin' footie pajamas? Nothing says "HOT" to me more than looking like a pink wooly mammoth.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ladies, there's even one for the man in your life...if you want your man to look like a pussy.</span><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lingerie</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tmL4u6DnPtI/TVhoQ0yB5II/AAAAAAAAAQ4/Ed4w8_safcc/s1600/65445_in_xl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-tmL4u6DnPtI/TVhoQ0yB5II/AAAAAAAAAQ4/Ed4w8_safcc/s400/65445_in_xl.jpg" width="266" /></span></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pretty lingerie is always nice. Just make sure to get something suitable for your relationship. For example, if you are mostly a "missionary position" kind of couple, avoid leather thongs and bustiers.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3l_WfyWmuNo/TVhqYEJ7_ZI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/kDI7ShdBVBs/s1600/thumbnailCA9778DI.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="117" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3l_WfyWmuNo/TVhqYEJ7_ZI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/kDI7ShdBVBs/s200/thumbnailCA9778DI.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you combine it with a night or weekend at a nice hotel (no, the local Super 8 does not count as "nice"), your rating will be upgraded:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nMyqgNp2kuw/TVhq6SwNf0I/AAAAAAAAARA/_CkvZ_xk8Qk/s1600/touchdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="122" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nMyqgNp2kuw/TVhq6SwNf0I/AAAAAAAAARA/_CkvZ_xk8Qk/s200/touchdown.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Flowers</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xQgEuidvOHc/TVhyYrB_LEI/AAAAAAAAARE/1mole7hdJBQ/s1600/tuesdays-roses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xQgEuidvOHc/TVhyYrB_LEI/AAAAAAAAARE/1mole7hdJBQ/s400/tuesdays-roses.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I always hear the argument that men don't like to buy flowers because they die after a few days. What a crock of crapola...nothing lasts forever. Let's take food for an example. Just because I drop a deuce in the convenience store bathroom on the way home from a restaurant, it doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my meal or that I don't ever want to eat again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Buy your woman flowers, and I guarantee she will melt into a puddle of Jell-O at your feet. Unless she's allergic to flowers, and then she will melt into a puddle of snot.</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Fast Food Coupons</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hNGt9hAtIsY/TViOGswfFbI/AAAAAAAAARM/84sbeKFllNQ/s1600/big-mac.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="243" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hNGt9hAtIsY/TViOGswfFbI/AAAAAAAAARM/84sbeKFllNQ/s400/big-mac.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No...just, NO. I've actually heard of someone doing this. If you are dumb enough to give this to your wife for Valentine's Day and she happens to have PMS, they may never find your body.</span><br />
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<div align="center" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Vermont Teddy Bear</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WsMGht5eOCM/TViW_wipDWI/AAAAAAAAARU/1gFCNoRYquo/s1600/vermont_teddy_bear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" h5="true" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WsMGht5eOCM/TViW_wipDWI/AAAAAAAAARU/1gFCNoRYquo/s400/vermont_teddy_bear.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is another item that you may be tempted to buy, because they have been advertised like crazy on TV lately. It would be a great gift if you were dating a 5-year-old. However, if your partner is an adult, don't buy these stupid things. The advertisement says that "the Vermont Teddy Bear is unlike any other teddy bear." No, it's <strong>exactly</strong> like all the other teddies, and will sit on a shelf and collect dust. Yeah, just what I need!</span><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do not, under any circumstances, buy your significant other an appliance or other kitchen-related item for Valentines Day. This is the most unromantic thing I can think of, and is grounds for permanent dismissal or death.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Trip to a Tropical Island</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you're looking for major brownie points that will give you the upper hand in any argument for years to come, bust out a tropical vacation on her. If your woman is bitching about you not taking out the garbage, just remind her of that luxury island that y'all visited last year, and she'll shut the hell up. You can't lose, dude!</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IePamu8QI6E/TViuDENp33I/AAAAAAAAASM/S-8zyxyFfv8/s1600/touchdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="123" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IePamu8QI6E/TViuDENp33I/AAAAAAAAASM/S-8zyxyFfv8/s200/touchdown.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, there ya go! If you are contemplating a gift and are not sure whether it's a "touchdown" gift or a "dickhead" gift, feel free to e-mail me for an analysis of your specific choice.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-7164583724248251712011-02-10T01:42:00.001-08:002023-01-26T18:50:51.296-08:00Super Bowl XLV Breakdown<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">With all of the blogging, tweeting, facebooking, and texting going on, Superbowl XLV was one of the most talked about games in recent history. Since I’m so freakin’ hip (holla!), I thought it would be prudent for me to give you a breakdown of the events surrounding the big game.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">First of all, I would like to say Happy Birthday to my husband, Signore Sexy Pants. Hey, guess what? You’re still older than me. Nanny nanny boo boo! Also, Happy 60th Birthday to my dad. We tried to have a big ole surprise party for my dad’s milestone b-day, but global warming decided to send us a snowstorm here in Texas, so the party was cancelled. Thanks a lot, Al Gore, you bastard! Anyway, Happy Birthday to my two favorite guys!</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">So, are you ready for some FOOTBAAAALLLLL? Too bad, because the football portion seemed to be overshadowed by all of the <strike>bullshit</strike> engaging events going on throughout the whole <strike>fiasco</strike> extravaganza known as Super Sunday.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Let’s start with the Red Carpet event. Yes, there was a Red Carpet event AT A GODDAMN FOOTBALL GAME! What? The pretty people don’t get to prance around on a plush scarlet floor covering in front of cameras enough in Hollywood? </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Granted, they let the football greats walk the carpet too, but they got virtually no attention. “Look, here comes football great, Roger Staubach. Let’s go talk to him…..OMG, is that Catherine Zeta-Jones? Screw Staubach. We must talk to Cat about her outfit.” </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Yeah, because that’s totally why we’re tuning in to watch the Super Bowl…on the off-chance that we might be able to discuss fashion.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">And everyone seemed to get really excited when Keith Urban arrived. I personally didn’t give a rat’s ass if he was there. Keith Urban is the only man on the planet who could successfully challenge Justin Bieber for the title of “Stupidest Hair.”</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Was the whole red carpet thing really necessary? YOU’RE GOING TO A FOOTBALL GAME, not a movie premiere. I guess movie stars and recording artists find it necessary to be the center of attention at all times. Go figure.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">So, by the time the teams came onto the field, I was already burned out on seeing capped teeth and fake boobs (yes, I‘m looking at you, Adam Sandler). Then they brought in Christina Aguilera to sing the national anthem. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I must say that she’s a very talented young lady. If, by talented, you mean “can turn a one-syllable word into a short story.” I read half of Crime and Punishment before Christina even got to the part about the ramparts.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">During her vocal gymnastics, my husband decided to get another bowl of chili (because it’s just not the Super Bowl unless you’ve consumed at least 3 bowls of fart soup before kick-off). He almost made it out of the room to avoid the howling of Christina when she jacked up the words. He stopped, and turned around to look at me.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><em> Husband: Did she just say……?</em></span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><em> Me: Yeppers, sure did.</em></span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Most of us start learning the national anthem at around age 5. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve pretty much got that shit down by now.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Is there any possible way we could get someone to sing the national anthem who not only knows the words, but can also sing it without all the extra runs and oversinging? Christ on a crutch! Try to keep it under 10 minutes, honey. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Finally, the game started and we got to watch some actual football, though it was interspersed with promos of the “Bridgestone Halftime Show featuring the Black-Eyed Peas” about every 4 ½ seconds. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Now, I like the Black-Eyed Peas. They are a cool group, and their music is very vibrant and catchy. But listening to them live made me want to melt down some Bridgestone Tires to make a giant pair of earplugs. Perhaps that’s why Bridgestone sponsored them…</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I didn’t even know it was possible to rap off-key, but will.i.am proved me soooo wrong on Sunday night. Fergie has a great voice, but she and Will sounded like flaming shit together. If their sound had a smell, I would describe it as the fetid breath of a thousand syphilitic goats.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">The BEP should stick to recording songs in the studio, so they can be edited to within an inch of their vocal cords.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I’ll probably get tons of hate mail, because I know a lot of people were impressed with the show. And, I have to admit that the production was fabulous.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">With all of the glow-in-the-dark costumes and flashing lights, it was an ADD patient’s dream. “Hey, they’re playing horrible, horrible music……ooh, look! Shiny!”</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I actually loved the costumes. The BEP costumes reminded me of KISS, except without the musical talent. In fact, I think it’s time to bring KISS back to the Super Bowl. They performed in 1999, and they always rock the house.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">If you want to go really old school, try for Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder, or Aretha Franklin. They are all veteran entertainers with wonderful vocals. They’re all still alive, right?</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Holy fuckin’ cow, I would rather see M.C. Hammer perform at next year’s halftime show. His dancing is a combination of all things awesome. Remember that typewriter move? Ok, get up and do it now. Go ahead…you know you wanna! [2 Legit, 2 Legit 2 quit, hey hey!]</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Other awesome choices would be Bon Jovi or Journey. They both have frontmen that can sing their asses off, and the bands have some iconic songs that would have everyone in the stadium on their feet with lighters in hand.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Wait…what? I’ve just received some new information from my staff. Apparently, people no longer hold up lighters at concerts. They use their cell phones now. Thanks to my staff for helping me with my goal of keeping’ it real for my peeps. (holla!)</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">If you want more flash for the halftime show, go with Metallica, Motley Crue, or Def Leppard. These bands rock, and their music would be conducive to an accompanying elaborate laser and light show. (Oooh, sparkly!)</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Does it even have to be a musical act? I think Criss Angel doing an illusion where he disappears and <strike>never comes back</strike> then reappears on top of the Jumbotron would be pretty damn sweet. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">So, there you have my breakdown of the Super Sunday events. Oh yeah, and the Packers won. (holla!)</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-5097729700860944282011-02-05T02:26:00.001-08:002023-01-26T18:56:51.065-08:00A Rose By Any Other Name Would Be Just As F*cking Stupid<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Gini over at The Big Fat Gini Blog wrote a </span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><a href="http://bigfatginiblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/no-my-first-name-aint-baby.html">post</a></span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"> the other day about people getting her name wrong. Apparently, someone has decided that her name should be “Gina.” So, just to piss her off, hop on over there and call her “Gina,” or perhaps “Vagina.” She just loves that shit!</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Anyway, I started thinking about names and how they often confuse me. For example, I have an acquaintance named Amy who has a daughter named Ashley. Ok, wait; I think that’s ass-backward. The mom is Ashley and the daughter is Amy. Or is one of them Abby?</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Oh, Hell’s bells! I don’t know! And to really throw me off, both of them use the daughter’s picture as their profile pic on facebook. WTF, people? Just W-T-F?? </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">For the love of Moses, please use your own picture on face book, because you people are confusing the pee-pee out of me. Another current trend is to use a picture of your pet as your profile pic. I find myself thinking, “Gee, Aunt Karen really needs a facial waxing...”</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I actually have one relative that sent me a friend suggestion on facebook, and the profile pic was a cute little doggy. I was trying to figure out who the Hell “Rosie” was. A distant aunt? A long-lost cousin? Nope! Turns out, Rosie IS the dog in the pic, and she has her own facebook page. By the way, Rosie plays the shit out of Farmville. (Hey, Rosie - if you’re reading this…please send me some nails for my farm. And no, I don’t want to be your friend on Cityville. And stop scooching your butt on the carpet.)</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I do understand how Gini feels, though. My name is Shelia, but I’ve been called Shelly, Sha-lie-ah, Stephanie and lots of other things that start with an “s.” </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">And sometimes things that don’t start with an “s.” But that’s another story.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">All you need to know is that my name rhymes with tequila. And that, my friends, is why I’m so awesome. (And you thought it was because of my blogging…)</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I have a nutty aunt who re-names all of the baby girls born in our family. She likes to give them old lady names like Bertha, Ethyl, and Sybil. Then the whole family starts calling them by their senior citizen moniker. This is totally confusing for the children at family reunions. “Mommy, why is everyone calling me ‘Gertrude?’”</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I also have a nutty uncle (anyone seeing a trend here?) who gives everyone a ghetto name. Mine is Shaquilla. I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed that my ghetto name doesn’t have an apostrophe or an asterisk or anything cool like that. I may change it to Sha’Quilla, or maybe Sha*Quil’La.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Your input and/or further suggestions are certainly welcome. Oh, and Ny*Quilla is already taken (dammit!), so scratch that one off your list.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Speaking of names, do any of you watch The First 48? The husband and I love watching this show, which is a reality series about police trying to track down the people responsible for murders in their jurisdictions. The majority of the cases are drug-related, so most of the people on the show have “street names.” Here is how the interviews usually go:</span><br />
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<i><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Detective: Were you at Roger’s house when he was murdered?<br />
Witness: Who is Roger?<br />
Detective: I think they call him Poolu.<br />
Witness: Oh yeah. Naw. I was at my auntie’s house.<br />
Detective: Well, I’ve got a witness that says you were at Roger’s, ummm Poolu’s.<br />
Witness: Who tole you dat?<br />
Detective: Fellatio told me.<br />
Witness: Oh, well, I mighta been there.<br />
Detective: Did you see anyone with a gun?<br />
Witness: Naw, but Poolu’s brother was there.<br />
Detective: Who is his brother?<br />
Witness: His name Hot Boy.<br />
Detective: So his street name is “Hot Boy.” What’s his real name?<br />
Witness: Dunno, e’erbody just call him “Hot Boy.”<br />
Detective: Ok, was anyone else there?<br />
Witness: I din’t see nobody, but Coco said Cousin been mad at Poolu.<br />
Detective: Poolu’s cousin was mad at him?<br />
Witness: Naw, not his cousin. Dude’s NAME is “Cousin.”<br />
Detective: What were Cousin and Poolu arguing about.<br />
Witness: Mighta been about some weed. Cousin was mad that Poolu sold some weed to Barber.<br />
Detective: He sold weed to Cousin’s barber?<br />
Witness: Naw, man. E'erbody just call him “Barber.”</span></i><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Holy shitballs! How do these detectives keep a straight face through all of this? I guarantee you they all go home with massive migraines every night!</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Here’s a little request for you parents out there. If your child has a “street name,” please immediately chain them up in your basement. If not, they only have 3 options for their future: murder victim, murderer, or witness to a murder.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">And celebrities - you are not off the hook on the whole name thing. What the fuck are some of you people thinking when you name your children?</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Here is my hypothesis on how some of these morons come up with the names: The celebs have spent so much time cruising around on their personal jets or in their monster SUVs to protest pollution, that they just haven’t had time to come up with a name for their little spawn. After all, they are busy and important people, just trying to save the environment! Then it comes time to give birth, and they realize they still don’t have a name for the kid. So, they name him or her the first thing they see after the kid is born.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Examples supporting this hypothesis:</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">1. Gwyneth Paltrow has a daughter named <b>Apple</b>. Seriously, Gwynnie, did you just look around the room after you gave birth and see an apple on your hospital tray, and thing, </span><i><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">“Goddamn, I love apples. They are so sweet and delicious. Oh! I think I’ll name my new daughter after this fine fruit!”</span></i><br />
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</span></i><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">2. Arthur Ashe named his daughter <b>Camera</b>. Was this his thought process? <i>“Gosh, what are we going to name this child? Perhaps if I take some pictures of her, I could come up with some ideas. I’m so glad I brought my camera. Cameras are so handy at special times like this. I think cameras are about the best things in the world…just like…ohmygod! We can name her after my favorite invention!”</i> Brilliant! No, really.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">3. Toni Braxton is a brilliant singer, but her child-naming skillz are not so much with the being brilliant thing. Her son is named <b>Denim</b>. I think she was talking to her husband and said: <i>“Whew! That baby is finally out. Now hand me my jeans and let me see if they fit. Boy, I have missed denim. It really is a wonderful fabric…and…hey…we could name our kid after my favorite pair of pants!”</i> I’m just glad she wasn’t wearing Capri pants that day. Or linen. Or paisley. Or corduroy. Or stretch pants. Or khakis. My Gawd! She could name a whole family after her britches!</span><br />
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<b><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">[This topic totally reminded me of one of my favorite jokes: An American Indian boy asked his father how Indian children got their names. The father explained that the parents name the child after the first thing they see after the child is born. “We saw a beautiful brook in the distance after your sister was born, so she is Running Brook. And a deer dashed out of the woods at the time your brother was born, so he is Running Deer. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"]</span></b><br />
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</span></b><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I think other celebrities are just crackheads. No, I don’t need actual evidence to say that. This is all the explanation that is required:</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">1. Erykah Badu named her daughter <b>Puma</b>. {Excuse me, did you say, “Puma?”} Why yes, I did! Maybe when she hits age 40, she will change her name to Cougar. Rawwwr!</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">2. Nicholas Cage’s son is named <b>Kal-el</b>. And no, it’s not some religious name. Kal-el is Superman’s birth name. Why not just name him Peter Parker or Bruce Wayne?</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">3. Singer/songwriter Bob Geldof has 3 daughters named <b>Fifi Trixibelle</b>, <b>Peaches Honeyblossom</b>, and <b>Little Pixie</b>. I’m sorry, but drugs are the only explanation for those names. I’m betting on either marijuana or Quaaludes.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">4. Magician Penn Jillette is a genius at illusions and trickery, but I just have to wonder how many brain cells he had to lose before he decided to name his daughter <b>Moxie CrimeFighter</b>. This is obviously the result of black tar heroin.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">5. It is possible that Sylvester Stallone took too many punches to the head when he decided to name his daughter <b>Sage Moonblood</b>. On the other hand, maybe he just smoked a lot of “sage.”</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">6. Another celeb who has, perhaps, smoked a few too many herbs is Isaiah Washington. After all, he named his son <b>Thyme</b>. Uhhhh, okay.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">7. I think the award has to go to Frank Zappa, though. His sons are named <b>Dweezil</b> and <b>Ahmet Emuukha Rodan</b>. His daughters are named <b>Moon Unit </b>and <b>Diva Muffin</b>. WTF? Can you imagine calling these children to dinner? However, I think I’ll give Mr. Zappa a pass because of this quote from him: "You can't be a Real Country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." Is that not the most awesome analysis of foreign policy, EVER? He’s a funny dude, but perhaps he should have quelled his humorous tendencies when it came to naming his kids.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Is anyone still reading this? Lawd have mercy, I rambled on much longer than intended with this post. I guess I was trying to make up for being a slack-ass and not posting anything for the past two weeks. I’ll try to do better from now on. I plan on doing a matchmaking post, just in time for Valentine’s Day, so watch for it! Now I’m off to tell my daughter, <b>Sunshine Maroon Salt</b>, goodnight.</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-6663215574366751212011-01-19T07:42:00.000-08:002011-01-19T07:43:33.074-08:00The Cheesiest Sex Post EVER!Remember back when you first got married (or moved in together, for you heathens living in sin)? Remember all of the sexy times you had? <br />
In the bed. <br />
Under the bed. <br />
In the shower. <br />
On the kitchen counter (followed by lots of bleach).<br />
On the couch. <br />
In the closet.<br />
On top of the refrigerator. <br />
In the refrigerator. Oh, wait that was Jeffrey Dahmer.<br />
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[Side note: I was watching the movie <i>Dahmer</i> this past weekend, and my daughter (who was supposed to be in bed) kept coming in the room. I kept pausing the movie and telling her to get to bed. “But why do I have to go to bed? It’s not a school night,” she whined. I replied with, “Because I’m trying to watch these guys get ass-raped, and that’s totally not appropriate for children.” If you have any awards for Excellence in Parenting, please e-mail me.]<br />
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Anyway, after you’ve been married for a while, you may notice the frequency and excitement begins to recede. <br />
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In fact, married sex becomes kind of like joining the National Guard. You perform your duties one weekend a month and two weeks a year.<br />
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(cricket, cricket)<br />
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Following this astute analogy, here are some other ways that married sex is like National Guard service:<br />
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1. There’s generally a lot of sweating and grunting going on.<br />
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2. You will get to hang out with some privates.<br />
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3. No one gives a rat’s ass if you have a headache. Just perform your duties, soldier!<br />
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4. You may run the risk of serious injury if you don’t do some calisthenics before proceeding. <br />
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5. Extra laundry to do afterward.<br />
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6. You may be told to “Drop and give me 20!” <br />
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7. There is generally some “shooting” involved (if you’re doing it right).<br />
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8. You will probably notice some soreness after your service weekend.<br />
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9. You may experience a frontal assault.<br />
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10. Insert your own “booby trap” joke here.<br />
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If we were talking about the Navy, I could have discussed “seamen” and going to the “head,” but alas…it is not to be this time, dear readers.<br />
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I hope this post makes you feel very patriotic, so go forth and perform your duties, my friends! God bless America!Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5743575010278902032.post-90783087918773883732011-01-12T01:30:00.001-08:002023-01-26T19:00:22.212-08:00My Totally Realistic New Year's Resolutions<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">At the beginning of every year, most folks come up with a list of crappy resolutions that they usually blow by the end of January. People, you are obviously setting your sights too high! </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">If you haven’t exercised once in the past 12 years, you are NOT all of a sudden going to start doing a six hour workout EVERY day so that you will look like Sylvester Stallone by mid-February. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Did you see what Rocky had to go through to look so buff in the one where he fought the big Russian? Sorry, but your new Ab Lounger is not going to bring you the same results as doing free-fall sit-ups off a hay loft or pulling four tons of wood around through 20 feet of snow. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">I'll wager that the Ab Lounger will be communing with the dust bunnies under your bed by March.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">If you weigh 300 pounds, you are not going to get down to 150 this year unless some type of surgical intervention is involved. Or unless the bottom half of your body is severed in a tragic tractor accident.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">If you’ve smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day since you were 12, chewing a piece of shitty-tasting gum a few times a day is not going to kick your habit, though I admire your ambition.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">We have got to learn to make more reasonable and attainable resolutions. Set some goals you might actually have a chance of keeping.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Just face it. None of us are going to play in the U.S. Open or learn to speak fluent Chinese.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Okay, don’t get all pissy because I’m a Negative Nelly. I’m here to help by presenting you with my New Year’s Resolutions for 2011. Use these as a guide to customize your own list.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: red;">1. Most people set a goal to lose weight in the new year. I, however, plan to gain at least 100 pounds so I can wear some gold stretch pants, a net shirt with no bra, platform heels, and a pimp hat to Wal-Mart and end up on the “People of Wal-Mart” website by the end of 2011. See? This goal is attainable; plus, I will have the privilege of being on the most awesome website in the U.S. (well, besides my blog, of course).</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: blue;">2. My second resolution is to not get arrested for public nudity. Seeing as how I shower in the dark to avoid catching sight of my naked self in the mirror, it’s highly likely that I will be avoiding public nudity this year. </span><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: blue;">I might as well just go ahead and put a check-mark beside this one….or, maybe I should wait until after Mardi Gras, just to be safe.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: red;">3. I resolve to NOT have this happen to me.</span><br />
<iframe class="youtube-player" frameborder="0" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xf8G-c_eAhs?rel=0" title="YouTube video player" type="text/html" width="480"></iframe><br />
<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: red;">I promise, if I get a pimple that grows to the size of a softball and smells like rotten eggs and cat vomit, I will go to a fucking dermatologist.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span style="color: blue;">4. This year, I plan to discourage the sagging pants phenomenon by singing “Pants on the Ground” at the top of my lungs whenever I see someone with their drawers hanging out. Seriously, dude - NO ONE wants to see your ass or your underbritches.</span> </span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_l3dP2n5tzIg/TS1w155FFgI/AAAAAAAAAP0/e86qSM2VlJE/s1600/epic-fail-pants-fail.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><img border="0" height="400" n4="true" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_l3dP2n5tzIg/TS1w155FFgI/AAAAAAAAAP0/e86qSM2VlJE/s400/epic-fail-pants-fail.jpg" width="352" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif">LOOKIN' LIKE A FOOL WIT YA PANTS ON DA GROUND!</span></td></tr>
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: blue;">This also goes for girls wearing see-through shirts so their bras show. Until some semi-retarded drunk guy comes up with a song for this occurrence, I guess I’ll have to make up my own. I think I’ll call it, “Hey, Slut! Put Some Decent Clothes On.” </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: blue;">Yes, Grandma, I'm talking to you.</span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif" style="color: red;">5. My final resolution is to drink more. I got a bottle of fine vodka for Christmas, and that shit was smooth. Therefore, it’s my new drink of choice. </span><br />
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<span face="Verdana, sans-serif">Well, that's all of my resolutions for this year. Let me know if I have inspired any of you to make realistic resolutions for 2011. Happy New Year!</span>Opto-Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11378333438195586017noreply@blogger.com14