Week 2 - Bachelor 2014 - Juan Pabloooo

Okay, now the fun begins.  Girls getting date cards, other girls getting pissy because they didn't get a date card, and yet other girls going topless.  Wait. What?  Read on, dear reading people.

One-On-One

The first one-on-one date went to Clare!  She's a real cutie patootie with a good personality.  The producers and other T.V. people rented snow machines to turn a little corner of L.A. into a winter wonderland for the couple.  Clare and JPab sledded down a hill. Or was that a toboggan?  Shit, I don't know.  I'm from Texas, people!  Then they ice skated, which Clare was not very good at, but she laughed and had a great time with it.  Afterwards, that lucky gal got to give Juan a back rub in the hot tub.  Then she talked about her dad dying, which really should have been a mood killer, but they ended up cuddling in the hot tub after that.  Good date, overall, and she got the date rose and some very hot kisses. Toward the end, they had a private concert by Josh Krajcik, whose smoky voice lent a very romantic air to the night.  I'm thrilled they didn't start the year off with another damn helicopter ride; however, they did keep alive the hot tub cliche'.  But.....I'm willing to let it slide, because ummmm, Juan Pablo without a shirt.  That's all.

In The Meantime, Back At The Mansion

I have a feeling we are going to be seeing a lot of this black box this season.

Lucy the "free spirit" (what exactly is the salary for a "free spirit?") was hanging out with the girls....with her girls hanging out.  Yep, just standing in a hot tub with a swim bottom and no top.  All the other girls were sitting, and I kept thinking, "Sit down already, ya free spirit chica!  You look awkward."  It's like she was trying to show off.  Well, at least the girl knows how to get camera time.  She will definitely be invited to the next Bachelor Pad, if that show is still in the works.

One-On-One

Next to get an individual date was Kat.  They boarded a private jet, but JPabs wouldn't tell her where they were going.  In an interview, she speculated that maybe they would go to New York City, "where it's, like, romantic; it's private; it's just the two of us."  I had to rewind that to make sure she really made that statement about the most populated city in the U.S.  Over 8 million people live there, dear, and there's more than 27,000 people per square mile.  {Sigh}  So, Juan and Kat get dressed up in neon flashing clothes and accessories and land in Salt Lake City.  Kat's outfit was totally adorable (totes adorbs?), by the way.  They were at the Electric Run, which is like a dancing 5K.  This was by far the coolest Bachelor date EVER, even though thinking about 5K usually makes me slightly nauseous.  At the end of the run, they got up onstage and danced together, and Juan gave her the rose.

Group Date

The girls are having a photo shoot with some cute shelter dogs.  They actually showed footage of one dog trying to hump another, and of dogs peeing and dropping a deuce.  Gee, thanks, ABC.  I was trying to eat Nutter Butters over here!  Anyhoo, the girls got dressed up to kind of match the dogs they would be shooting with.  Everything was going swimmingly, until Elise and Andi were given just a sign to wear.  Otherwise, they were to be nude, and this was understandably freaking them out.  Elise went to talk to the director, and he told her that it's not about what she's wearing, it's about helping a good cause.  Ummmm, then give them some clothes to wear, since a naked woman IN NO WAY will make people want to adopt a dog any more than a girl in a swimsuit.  It can make you lose your job, but that's not important to Mr. Big-Time Director.  Elise got smart and traded costumes with Lucy, who was very nice about the whole thing, since she likes being naked anyway.  Andi was still stuck with being nude, but Juan Pablo told her he was going to do it with her.  And not in a creepy way either.  He was being really comforting and sweet.  So, Andi, Juan, and Lucy posed nude with a dog.  Boy, I tell you, I really feel like adopting a dog after seeing that...NOT!  I would, however, adopt Juan Pabloooo.

The after-party included a rooftop and lots of couches, as per Bachelor Rules and Regulations.  Cassandra told JP that she has a son who is almost 2, and he seemed excited about it.  Renee wanted a kiss, but didn't get one.  Victoria had way too much wine, and Nikki quietly told her she needed to tone it down.  Vic was insisting she was sober, while simultaneously slurring and weaving a bit.  She eventually went cuckoo pants and started running all over the hotel in a drunken rant.  The Bachelor staff put her in a room to sleep it off, and JP gently sent her home the next morning.  Oh, and Kelly got the group date rose.

Rose Ceremony

Here are the Week 2 survivors:

And we said good-by to: 

Bachelor 2014 - Week 1 - Meet the Gals!

It's that time of year again!  When women from all over America prop up their boobs and try to win the love (and big ole engagement ring) of an ab-licious hunk after a mere few weeks of dating.  In this case, Mr. Abs is Juan Pablo, and he was so popular, they had to allow 27 ladies to enter the fray.  So, let's meet the ladies, shall we?

Let the cat fights and whining commence!  Actually, things started out pretty well, because Juan Pablo started playing music so they could have a dance party.  He also had a photo booth in the mansion so the girls could loosen up and act goofy.

He had good conversations with Nikki and Renee.  Lucy the "Free Spirit" was kinda touchy-feely and put her bare dirty feet on his lap.  Ewwwww, just ewwwww!

Amy J. broke out the massage table and rubbed oil all over her hands.  Then she proceeded to massage him WITH HIS SUIT ON, and all I could think was, "How the hell is he going to get all that oil out of his expensive suit?"  Then she had him take his jacket and shoes off, and had a near orgasm over the size of his hands.  I think this was more awkward than free spirit girl.

Chelsie and Juan got silly in the photo booth, and she seemed like a very fun girl.  Elise told him about her mom passing away a year ago, but they appeared to get along well.

Then we were treated to about 20 minutes of Lauren H. crying about wanting time with JPab, a bad breakup, her low self-confidence, blah blah blah...  Ok, please go home now.  When she finally got to talk to him one-on-one, the conversation was very uncomfortable and weird.

Some redheads can pull off wearing pink, but Kylie....ummm, not so much.  Stick with the jewel tones, sister.  Also, she told him that she dreamed about him, which was a little creepy, to be honest.

Juan Pablo seemed very interested in Andi when she got out of the limo.  In fact, his eyes practically popped out of his skull.  He kept glancing down at her cleavage, which was tastefully displayed in a navy dress.  They seemed to have a good rapport, as well.

Juan mentioned to Sharleen several times that he liked her dress.  She is an opera singer, which is probably why she seemed so serious, almost to the point of being stiff at first.  She finally loosened up a little, and he gave her the first-impression rose....right after she told the camera that she didn't feel instant chemistry and that it seemed a little forced.  She actually hesitated when he offered her the rose!  It was quite awkward.

Rose Ceremony:

Cue the dramatic music.  Here are the keepers: 

Ok, more after I can finish watching the first week of dates.  Have a great week!

Haters B Hatin'

Dear White People Who Try To Act Ghetto,


Please stop bitching about not having a job and about people not taking you seriously when you write on facebook something similar to this:


“Y U muthafukas be hatin on me?  U don’t even no me an u run yo muthafukin mouth bout me an my fam,  Bitches done even know da way I am so fuck yall and don’t mess wit me.”


Wow!  It’s amazing that you’re not the CEO of a Fortune 500 company by now!  And you wonder why they won’t  let you work the front counter at McDonald’s.  You’re relegated to burger flipper or fry girl/guy because even Mickie D’s doesn’t trust you to deal directly with the public.


But I’m compassionate, because I know it was difficult to grow up in a nice brick home with your own room, nice clothes, family who loved you, and a car when you turned 16.  It’s no wonder, with this most difficult life you’ve had, that you turned to the ghetto mentality.  [Rolling eyes.]


Despite my sarcasm, I will try to help you by outlining some things to avoid saying on facebook, Twitter, or in your daily life.


1.  Baby daddy/baby mama - White people!  Please stop saying this!  In fact, everyone stop saying this.  Basically, you’re just telling people, “I’ll knock up/get knocked up by anyone and I won’t even remember their name.”
2.  You know what I’m sayin’? - No, we don’t know what you’re saying, because you’re stupid and we’re not.
3.  You don’t know me! - Unless you’ve taken a time machine and gone back to appear on The Jerry Springer Show circa 1991, this phrase should never again be uttered.
4.  Haters be hatin’. -  No.  Intelligent people be hatin’.
5.  Typing “da” or “tha.” - The word is “the.”  It’s three fucking letters!  The average 4-year-old can spell it, and I know you can too.  Stop trying so hard to make yourself look ignorant.
6.  Yeahhhhh, boyeeeee. - The only way white people should be allowed to use this phrase is if they are Vanilla Ice or one of the original members of the Beastie Boys.  Otherwise, people want to slap the shit out of you when you say this.


Now, don’t get me wrong.  The occasional ghetto slang is okay if you’re trying to be funny, but if you truly think that talking like that makes you a badass, then you are dumber than a box of hammers.

If you seriously think talking like this makes you a “gangsta,” white people are rolling their eyes at you, black people are laughing behind your back, Hispanic people are just relieved you’re not trying to imitate them, and Asian people are glad that there is one more person’s ass they will kick on the SAT.


So, follow my guidelines and one day you could become assistant manager at McDonald’s, or maybe even at Kohl’s.  If what I’ve written here pisses you off….well, I’ve just got one thing to say:  Haters be hatin!




Sincerely,


Opto-Mom

Happy Hallow-Christma-Giving

I’m so confused. (Yeah, there’s a shocker.)


Is it Christmas already? Did I sleep through Halloween and Thanksgiving, or did we just skip all that shit and go straight to the Ho Ho Ho Season?


Oh, it’s Halloween today? Well, ya could knock me over with a feather, because I went to The Wal-Mart looking for some Halloween stuff, and thought I had stepped into a Winter-fucking-Wonderland.


There were Christmas dresses and wreaths and lights and various holiday doo-dads all over the place. And hidden behind a lovely selection of Hickory Farms Holiday meat baskets, I finally found 2 bags of low-budget Halloween candy (you know, the kind with mostly those crappy-tasting jawbreakers?), a Superman cape, and a hooker wig.


Luckily, I already had a costume for Miss Smarty Britches and myself (so that hooker wig's still available, ladies!). We took part in a haunted birthday party last weekend. MSB was the Grim Reaper, and I was a zombie.

Just add red lipstick, and I'm Courtney Love!

We really had a lot of fun scaring the shit out of little kids. Yeah, we’re mean.


The kids went on a “haunted” walk through the woods. MSB was up in a treehouse, so it looked like she was floating, and she threw plastic spiders on the kids when they walked past her.


They stuck my ass out in the woods by some fake headstones with a spooky light. I laid down in front of the headstones, and my cousin dumped two trash bags full of leaves on me.


When the kids walked by, I stuck my hand up out of those leaves, and the screaming and crying began! WooooHoooo! I fucking ROCK as a zombie! Then I limped after them a la Jason Vorhees, eliciting even more peewee panic.


So, tonight MSB is trick-or-treating with my sister and her two-year-old, who is the cutest stinking li’l cowboy EVER!

And I’m at home with more than 5 minutes to myself, so I decided to grace you with a Halloween blog post.


Now, last Halloween I did a post about how all of the female costumes were slutty, naughty, or sexy. I suggest you read it HERE, or my zombie self will come to your house and eat your brains.


This year, I've decided to post about what some of you people do to your poor dogs every Halloween. That's right....doggie costumes! Along with what I think these pups would say to their owners if they could talk.

"I hope you get warts."

"Somebody better save me a turkey leg."

"A cat?  You dressed me up as a fucking cat?"

"I'm a wild and craaaazy guy!"

"What are the guys down at the park gonna say?"

"Oh yeah.  I'm cooking you up something REAL nice.  Check your shoe in the morning."

"I couldn't be Toto.  Nooooo, I've gotta be that skipping bitch Dorothy!"

"Gilligaaaaan!"

"The bitches love a baller!"

"I'm the bride, and this is MY day!  I said I wanted roses, not no cheap ass daisies!  It's MY DAY, DAMMIT!"

"Kiss my ass.  Really."

"I'm really more of a jeans kind of girl."

"Garsh, our owners are creative...NOT!"

"I am Bark Vader."

"Shit on your rug, I will."

"I bit the sheriff...."

"What do you mean you don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no puppies?"

"I never get my own costume!  I always have to wear my cousin, the chihuahua's hand-me-downs.  NO quiero Taco Bell!"

"What am I, Jurassic Bark?"

"I am SO chewing your hat later, sailor boy."

"Yeah, I'm Paula Deen's dog."

"Slash can't rock out without his hat and guitar.  Bring me my fucking hat and guitar!"

"Hey, Marmaduke.  Wassup, big boy?"

"Weiner dogs dressed as hot dogs:  yep, that's original."

"Pimpin' ain't easy."

"You've jacked my hair all up.  Do you have any idea how much my salon charges?"

"But I'm not even a hound dog!"

"Have the lambs stopped crying, Clarice?"

So, there you go.  Hope you enjoyed this year's Halloween post.  And for cripe's sake, just let your doggie be a doggie!