She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, October 29, 2010

I Wanna Be A Halloween Ho

I’m sure most of you are aware that, in many instances, there is a double standard between men and women. Don’t worry; this is not one of those woe-is-me-women-have-it-so-hard-compared-to-men posts. I know that many women have to work and take care of the kids and the house and still get paid less than men, BUT men have to kill spiders and set mouse traps and stuff, so it pretty much comes out even in my book.

However, never do you encounter such a blatant example of double standard-ism as you do during Halloween. Have any of you ladies tried to find a Halloween costume that doesn’t make you look like a two-dollar whore? In some cases, you may WANT to look like a two-dollar whore, but try finding a costume appropriate to wear to a kid event. Practically every costume name is preceded by the words “Sexy,” “Naughty,” or “Slutty.”

Who wants to show up at the school’s fall festival dressed up as a slutty clown?

I found her in a clown gang-bang the back of one of those clown cars.
Seriously? I really have to applaud these costume-makers for their creativity. They can totally sleeze out the most mundane and unsexy things! How about Sexy SpongeBob?

I'll bet she can do that sultry SpongeBob laugh.

When you think about Olive Oyl from the Popeye cartoons and movie, I’m sure you automatically say, “Now there’s a foxy mama!”  Somehow, they've even managed to make this costume kinda slutty.

I yam what I yam, and a ho's what I yam.

This is one costume that would not work for me. Olive Oyl is supposed to be….ummm…flat-chested. And I’m….ummmm…let’s go with busty. Yeah that’s it. I would have to tape and flatten those suckers down so much that it would probably be reminiscent of the penis tucker scene in Silence of the Lambs. Then I could walk around all night saying, “It rubs the olive oil on its skin.”  Maybe the costume designers could come up with a sexy Hannibal Lecter costume for women. After all, they have this one:

One, two, Naughty Freddy's coming for you!

Nothing gets me hotter than thinking about being slashed to death in my sleep!

Now for the double standard part of it.  Check out the male versus female versions of these costumes.  Shall we start with the medical profession?

Nurse costume - very sexy.

Doctor costume - not so sexy.
Hopefully, that nurse doesn't work on the cardiac floor.  Can you imagine the effects on some old man's EKG if she walked in the room?  The man in the doctor costume is a good-looking dude, but couldn't the costume show a little more chest or something? 

Now let's look at the representatives from the airline industry:

More nuts, sir?

I think I see about a quarter inch of his chest....oooh!
This pilot actually looks like a pilot.  The flight attendant looks like a stripper with a stupid hat.

Let's see about the law enforcement costumes:

Fishnets?  Really?

Look!  You can see his forearms!
In my opinion, the police chick would probably cause more crime than she would prevent.  Why can't the dude wear some little shorts like Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911?  I wouldn't mind seeing a little leg on this guy!  Cuff me, officer...I've been a baaaad girl!

On a similar note, let's check out the fine folks from the fire department:

Smokin' HOT!

Again, the man's costume is pretty authentic.  However, I don't think that chick is going to be able to fight many fires in those hooker boots.

Now we move on to military-themed costumes:

God bless America!

Show us some skin, sailor!
If I look at the man's costume, I immediately know that he's supposed to be a sailor.  If I look at the woman's costume, I think she's part of a nautical-themed Vegas show.

Next category:

Cute and sassy!

Dorkiest shit I've ever seen!
Good Lord!  A bustier and thigh high stockings versus knee-length shorts and knee-high socks.  This is NOT FAIR!

Pirates are pretty popular costumes these days, so let's analyze these:
Arrrgh!  Sexpot!

Is that woman really supposed to be a pirate?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't think that pirates wore a  lot of lace.  And what is up with the guy's expression?  I think he's supposed to look fierce, but in that get-up, he just looks constipated.

In the Twilight era, vampires costumes are making a big comeback:

Vampire or prostitute?

Fairly authentic vampire.
The woman has cleavage, spaghetti straps, thigh-high boots.  The guy is covered from head to toe.  Again, NOT FAIR to the ladies!

On to ancient Egypt:
Cleopatra wore sparkly spandex and heels?

Flip flops?  At least he's showing a little leg.
So, basically women have to dress like hookers at Halloween, and men just dress like dweebs.  Ya know, women would like a little eye candy too!  If women have to show boobs and ass, why can't we have more male whore-type costumes?  Maybe some really tight pants that will show off their package?  Yeah guys, we like to look too!  However, all of the women are dressed like wet dreams AND have to wear those uncomfortable friggin' high-heeled shoes.  The men get to be totally covered from the neck down AND they wear goddamn loafers!

Double standards are a bitch!


  1. Lol Too funny once again......

    Except for the Vampire Dude, the rest of the guys look like they are trying out for the new "Village People 2.0" Before they start ripping stuff off!

  2. God, that was so freaking funny. I was cracking up big time.

  3. Thank you! I am a bit..uhmm...."busty" myself, and even if I wanted to wear some of this crap, there is no way in hell! The mini-skirts would end up being crop tops! Now, tell me - how many women over the age of, say, 23 actually purchase ths crap??

  4. Heck, even at 23 I couldn't pull off most of those costumes! The models really don't do justice to how truly cheap and poorly made those ladies costumes are. On another note, I may have actually done the German barmaid costume one year. And my husband only looked *ahem* moderately dorky.

  5. I'm the model for most of those ho costumes.
    I'm THAT hot.

    (i wish.)