She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Is That a Toaster In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Valentine’s Day is coming up tomorrow. If you’re not aware of this, I would like to welcome you back from your coma. We‘ve missed you!

Since I’m all about public service, I thought I would attempt to gently guide you through all of the hoopla and advertisements with which you are constantly bombarded through TV, radio, billboards, etc. I will rate some of the products I’ve recently seen in ads so you don’t buy your loved one something idiotic. You’re welcome!

First, let's review my rating system.  I put it in picture form so everyone can understand.

Got it?  Ok, let's get started.
The Hoodie-Footie
I have seen at least a hundred commercials for this damn thing. Does anyone see anything remotely sexy about friggin' footie pajamas? Nothing says "HOT" to me more than looking like a pink wooly mammoth.

Ladies, there's even one for the man in your life...if you want your man to look like a pussy.


Pretty lingerie is always nice.  Just make sure to get something suitable for your relationship.  For example, if you are mostly a "missionary position" kind of couple, avoid leather thongs and bustiers.

If you combine it with a night or weekend at a nice hotel (no, the local Super 8 does not count as "nice"), your rating will be upgraded:


I always hear the argument that men don't like to buy flowers because they die after a few days.  What a crock of crapola...nothing lasts forever.  Let's take food for an example.  Just because I drop a deuce in the convenience store bathroom on the way home from a restaurant, it doesn't mean I didn't enjoy my meal or that I don't ever want to eat again.

Buy your woman flowers, and I guarantee she will melt into a puddle of Jell-O at your feet.  Unless she's allergic to flowers, and then she will melt into a puddle of snot.

Fast Food Coupons

No...just, NO.  I've actually heard of someone doing this.  If you are dumb enough to give this to your wife for Valentine's Day and she happens to have PMS, they may never find your body.


Vermont Teddy Bear

This is another item that you may be tempted to buy, because they have been advertised like crazy on TV lately.  It would be a great gift if you were dating a 5-year-old.  However, if your partner is an adult, don't buy these stupid things.  The advertisement says that "the Vermont Teddy Bear is unlike any other teddy bear."  No, it's exactly like all the other teddies, and will sit on a shelf and collect dust.  Yeah, just what I need!


Winner, winner, chicken dinner right here.  You can't go wrong with jewelry... earrings, necklace, bracelet, or the gold standard - the engagement ring.


Appliances of Any Kind

Do not, under any circumstances, buy your significant other an appliance or other kitchen-related item for Valentines Day.  This is the most unromantic thing I can think of, and is grounds for permanent dismissal or death.


Trip to a Tropical Island

If you're looking for major brownie points that will give you the upper hand in any argument for years to come, bust out a tropical vacation on her.  If your woman is bitching about you not taking out the garbage, just remind her of that luxury island that y'all visited last year, and she'll shut the hell up.  You can't lose, dude!


So, there ya go!  If you are contemplating a gift and are not sure whether it's a "touchdown" gift or a "dickhead" gift, feel free to e-mail me for an analysis of your specific choice.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!


  1. Dang! Does your system work for gifts for men? REALLY wanted to get my hubby those feetie monkey pj's...but where is that losers other hand???

  2. Loving the rating system! However, I think Mr. BFG would end up with a Touchdown if he bought me an appliance (uh, hello...I got a Nook for Valentine's Day). I'm eying a Bisell Steam Pro.

    Hmm...maybe I need the Dork rating.

  3. OMg I am having so much fucken fun right now! I'm actually crying! I just came from Mooog's blog and now this. My night is officially terrific...if you want your man to look like a pussy! Words to live by!
    This post was so perfect. You are so creative and wonderful!

  4. OMG this is too cool.. all the fun kids must live in Texas.. Canada and Texas.. the funniest bloggers..

  5. @laughingmom - Girl, you know EXACTLY where his other hand is. After all, in those pajamas, no one else would want to touch it.

    @Gini - Oh, electronics are perfectly fine! Not romantic, but sometimes it's better just to realize that someone knows exactly what you like. However, the Bisell? Not for v-day, babe! That's not a's a household expense.

    @Sandra - So glad I made you cry. Wait...what?

    @Queen - Thanks! We also have the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I'm welling up with pride.