She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!



Friday, November 18, 2011

Sexy Stuff for Your Kids

Well, it’s pretty much official: we are buying a house!


Halle-freakin-lujah!


We are keeping most of our furniture, but I wanted new bedding and decor for our bedroom and for Miss Smarty Pants’s room.


So, I got online to do a little browsing. I decided to look for cute stuff for MSP first. Since I was pretty sure she didn’t want her room to look like a 1970s-era Florida Motel 6, I searched for “kids bedding.”


I’m sure you’re relieved to hear that I found some really weird stuff; otherwise, this would just be a post about me shopping online, and that would be boring as shit.


In the kid department, I was expecting to find stuff like this for a 10-year-old girl:


However, I was NOT expecting to find stuff like this:


Well, this is TOTALLY appropriate for the child who sleeps with his or her chosen mate.


“Sexy and Pretty” is a great theme for a 10-year-old girl, wouldn’t you agree? And there are two of them from which you can choose. Golly gee, we live in a great country!

Perhaps “Sexy Poker,” complete with the naked woman silhouette is a better option for a boy.


There was a whole series of these for the kid who enjoys online dating. “Say, baby, what’s your sign?”

This one was made from one of Andrew Dice Clay's jackets, circa 1988.

Though these are pretty fabulous for any child, my daughter decided to go with a peace sign theme. Whew!

Because the search for bedroom stuff was so much fun, I decided to check out bathroom stuff. In case you’re not aware, the trash cans, shower curtains, soap dispensers, tissue holders, etc., are collectively called “bathroom ensembles,” which I subsequently learned is code for “outrageously overpriced items for your crapper room.”

 Seriously, people, $150 dollars for trash cans and soap holders for the room where you take a shit? Some of the trash cans are $40-$50 alone! It’s a place to throw away snot rags and tampons, for Pete’s sake. The damn thing should make me cookies for that price!


It pissed me off so much, I decided to just focus on cool shower curtains.


Ladies, this one is for you.

Please do not shoot tiny circles out of your abdomen.


This one would make some of my family feel right at home. Wish they had one with prison bars.

If you can’t afford a real chandelier, but still want that little extra touch of class, this is the one for you.


I’m not sure I could make poopy with Edward glaring at me.

Somebody get the plunger!  Momma's stuck in the toilet again!


This one is titled North Carolina Outer Banks Vicinity. Wow! I can’t tell you how long I’ve been searching for this exact shower curtain.

DC Transit Map. It would be more helpful if they marked the areas where you are most likely to be the victim of a homocide.

I suggest you get this one for your kid’s bathroom. You will get 50% off if you also purchase one of the sleezy comforters shown above.


There’s nothing I enjoy more when showering than studying chemistry.

If sushi is really this important in your life, please seek psychological help.


Here's a great one if you like to decorate for Christmas? I am just so disturbed by this one, yet I cannot seem to look away from Santa's ass.


But I think I’ve narrowed it down to these two. I would love your opinions on which to purchase for that extra bit of fabulousness for my bathroom.
Classic film
Or Culture and Literature





Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Hallow-Christma-Giving

I’m so confused. (Yeah, there’s a shocker.)


Is it Christmas already? Did I sleep through Halloween and Thanksgiving, or did we just skip all that shit and go straight to the Ho Ho Ho Season?


Oh, it’s Halloween today? Well, ya could knock me over with a feather, because I went to The Wal-Mart looking for some Halloween stuff, and thought I had stepped into a Winter-fucking-Wonderland.


There were Christmas dresses and wreaths and lights and various holiday doo-dads all over the place. And hidden behind a lovely selection of Hickory Farms Holiday meat baskets, I finally found 2 bags of low-budget Halloween candy (you know, the kind with mostly those crappy-tasting jawbreakers?), a Superman cape, and a hooker wig.


Luckily, I already had a costume for Miss Smarty Britches and myself (so that hooker wig's still available, ladies!). We took part in a haunted birthday party last weekend. MSB was the Grim Reaper, and I was a zombie.
Just add red lipstick, and I'm Courtney Love!
We really had a lot of fun scaring the shit out of little kids. Yeah, we’re mean.


The kids went on a “haunted” walk through the woods. MSB was up in a treehouse, so it looked like she was floating, and she threw plastic spiders on the kids when they walked past her.


They stuck my ass out in the woods by some fake headstones with a spooky light. I laid down in front of the headstones, and my cousin dumped two trash bags full of leaves on me.


When the kids walked by, I stuck my hand up out of those leaves, and the screaming and crying began! WooooHoooo! I fucking ROCK as a zombie! Then I limped after them a la Jason Vorhees, eliciting even more peewee panic.


So, tonight MSB is trick-or-treating with my sister and her two-year-old, who is the cutest stinking li’l cowboy EVER!


And I’m at home with more than 5 minutes to myself, so I decided to grace you with a Halloween blog post.


Now, last Halloween I did a post about how all of the female costumes were slutty, naughty, or sexy. I suggest you read it HERE, or my zombie self will come to your house and eat your brains.


This year, I've decided to post about what some of you people do to your poor dogs every Halloween. That's right....doggie costumes! Along with what I think these pups would say to their owners if they could talk.


"I hope you get warts."


"Somebody better save me a turkey leg."


"A cat?  You dressed me up as a fucking cat?"


"I'm a wild and craaaazy guy!"


"What are the guys down at the park gonna say?"


"Oh yeah.  I'm cooking you up something REAL nice.  Check your shoe in the morning."


"I couldn't be Toto.  Nooooo, I've gotta be that skipping bitch Dorothy!"


"Gilligaaaaan!"


"The bitches love a baller!"


"I'm the bride, and this is MY day!  I said I wanted roses, not no cheap ass daisies!  It's MY DAY, DAMMIT!"


"Kiss my ass.  Really."
"I'm really more of a jeans kind of girl."


"Garsh, our owners are creative...NOT!"


"I am Bark Vader."


"Shit on your rug, I will."
"I bit the sheriff...."
"What do you mean you don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no puppies?"


"I never get my own costume!  I always have to wear my cousin, the chihuahua's hand-me-downs.  NO quiero Taco Bell!"
"What am I, Jurassic Bark?"


"I am SO chewing your hat later, sailor boy."


"Yeah, I'm Paula Deen's dog."
"Slash can't rock out without his hat and guitar.  Bring me my fucking hat and guitar!"
"Hey, Marmaduke.  Wassup, big boy?"


"Weiner dogs dressed as hot dogs:  yep, that's original."


"Pimpin' ain't easy."
"You've jacked my hair all up.  Do you have any idea how much my salon charges?"
"But I'm not even a hound dog!"


"Have the lambs stopped crying, Clarice?"
So, there you go.  Hope you enjoyed this year's Halloween post.  And for cripe's sake, just let your doggie be a doggie!