She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Cheesiest Sex Post EVER!

Remember back when you first got married (or moved in together, for you heathens living in sin)? Remember all of the sexy times you had?
In the bed.
Under the bed.
In the shower.
On the kitchen counter (followed by lots of bleach).
On the couch.
In the closet.
On top of the refrigerator.
In the refrigerator. Oh, wait that was Jeffrey Dahmer.

[Side note: I was watching the movie Dahmer this past weekend, and my daughter (who was supposed to be in bed) kept coming in the room. I kept pausing the movie and telling her to get to bed. “But why do I have to go to bed? It’s not a school night,” she whined. I replied with, “Because I’m trying to watch these guys get ass-raped, and that’s totally not appropriate for children.” If you have any awards for Excellence in Parenting, please e-mail me.]

Anyway, after you’ve been married for a while, you may notice the frequency and excitement begins to recede.

In fact, married sex becomes kind of like joining the National Guard. You perform your duties one weekend a month and two weeks a year.

(cricket, cricket)

Following this astute analogy, here are some other ways that married sex is like National Guard service:

1. There’s generally a lot of sweating and grunting going on.

2. You will get to hang out with some privates.

3. No one gives a rat’s ass if you have a headache. Just perform your duties, soldier!

4. You may run the risk of serious injury if you don’t do some calisthenics before proceeding.

5. Extra laundry to do afterward.

6. You may be told to “Drop and give me 20!”

7. There is generally some “shooting” involved (if you’re doing it right).

8. You will probably notice some soreness after your service weekend.

9. You may experience a frontal assault.

10. Insert your own “booby trap” joke here.

If we were talking about the Navy, I could have discussed “seamen” and going to the “head,” but alas…it is not to be this time, dear readers.

I hope this post makes you feel very patriotic, so go forth and perform your duties, my friends! God bless America!


  1. Yeah. Sex before marriage, awesome.
    Sex post-marriage, eh.

    This is only because, usually, in The Big Moment someone farts and you think it's your spouse and then realize it was actually your four year old who managed to pick the lock all Sherlock Holmes style and wander in. That'll kill the mood for sure.

    PS: Thanks for not going with the "seamen" joke. I don't think I could have handled it this morning...

  2. What is married sex? Because I never had any of that.

    Hell what is sex period? Because I have forgotten what it was.

  3. At the start it's like green eggs and ham: on a train, in the rain, on a boat, with a goat.

  4. OK first, ON Being Peachy I totally have sex jokes that my "DAD" emailed me on my blog today. ( uncomfortable silence here) but he mails them to 1000000 people and probably didn't realize I was in the group, also I am like over 40 and have grown children so he probably also realizes I have indeed had sex. Also as a military brat and military spouse.
    Married sex is like the Gaurd because you don't have to shave your legs or take of your socks to do it.
    bada bing !

    Love your post. we don't have married sex because we have been married so long we just have hallway sex,
    we pass each other in the hallway and say, "fuck you".

    Then if you look at yesterdays post on the pits, it's a letter TO MY DAUGHTER, where I talk about her dad getting ass raped by fucking woodland creatures. so I am really worried that you and I are actually the same person but just not diagnosed yet.

  5. you dear woman, just made me pee my pants. lmao

  6. @Gini - You have a very talented 4-year-old. I see a future for him in cat burglary. Ummmm, and why does he sneak in your room to fart while observing the horizontal hokey-pokey? That boy needs more DVD's since he's apparently starved for entertainment.

    @Oilfield - Sex is when a man and a woman love each other very much, so they lay down together in the bed to do some naked snuggling. Or they bounce around on each other like monkeys on crack. I can't remember, but I think it's one of those.

    @Sucio - How did you know about the goat? I've gotta start closing my blinds!

    @Peachy - Admit nothing to your dad! I'm glad you told me about the not shaving the legs thing. I'm not going to try so hard from now on. I think that maybe we were twins separated at birth/hatching.

    @Dazee - Dammit, I'm sick of everyone sending me their dry cleaning bills. At least this time it's for someone I adore! And it's not shitty pants...

    Why American men should boycott American women

    I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

    American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

    This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.


  8. Post marriage sex is not sex, it's doing each other a favor :)


  9. So that's what marriage will be like...

    I like your blog, I'll be following.

  10. Very funny post.

    Carry on..... just wash your hands afterwards.

  11. LMAO - I love the bit about the Dahmer movie. I will often tell my kids what I am watching is not appropriate and exactly why. They know a lot of appropriate terms for things too.

  12. Literally LMAO!! Love the analogies...or call them truths, whichever- lol. Awesome post!

    Peachy- Hallway sex...oh man! Too funny!

  13. ...ugh! Great post! Great analogies. Alas it doesn't make me feel patriotic. It makes me feel like it's probably that weekend of the month that I'm due to put in my time...

  14. Oh, and you and I are both not getting our parenting awards: I would have said something to the same effect of the ass-raping if my kids kept interrupting! I love yoU!

  15. @Boycott - Uhhhh, good luck with all that. Hope you find a servant, I mean wife, really soon!

    @hwidman - That's one way to think of it! LOL. Thanks for the follow!

    @Stockguy - Thanks! Now you have something to look forward to!

    @Comeatmebro - I'm always glad to provide useful info!

    @Poetry - I know, right?

    @Ted - Is hand sanitizer ok?

    @Kimber - I often tell mine, "Trust do NOT even want to know!"

    @Ang - Peachy summed it up perfectly, didn't she?

    @Sandra - Honey, you should definitely feel patriotic for doing your duty! But not for doing a doody. Wait? What were we talking about? Love you too, babe!

  16. ((sigh))

    SO many reasons not to get married...

    - B x

  17. hahhah you hahahahh black hole, ahhahahah it's not YOU silly rabbit. also what is sex... searching memory banks.