Remember back when you first got married (or moved in together, for you heathens living in sin)? Remember all of the sexy times you had?
In the bed.
Under the bed.
In the shower.
On the kitchen counter (followed by lots of bleach).
On the couch.
In the closet.
On top of the refrigerator.
In the refrigerator. Oh, wait that was Jeffrey Dahmer.
[Side note: I was watching the movie Dahmer this past weekend, and my daughter (who was supposed to be in bed) kept coming in the room. I kept pausing the movie and telling her to get to bed. “But why do I have to go to bed? It’s not a school night,” she whined. I replied with, “Because I’m trying to watch these guys get ass-raped, and that’s totally not appropriate for children.” If you have any awards for Excellence in Parenting, please e-mail me.]
Anyway, after you’ve been married for a while, you may notice the frequency and excitement begins to recede.
In fact, married sex becomes kind of like joining the National Guard. You perform your duties one weekend a month and two weeks a year.
Following this astute analogy, here are some other ways that married sex is like National Guard service:
1. There’s generally a lot of sweating and grunting going on.
2. You will get to hang out with some privates.
3. No one gives a rat’s ass if you have a headache. Just perform your duties, soldier!
4. You may run the risk of serious injury if you don’t do some calisthenics before proceeding.
5. Extra laundry to do afterward.
6. You may be told to “Drop and give me 20!”
7. There is generally some “shooting” involved (if you’re doing it right).
8. You will probably notice some soreness after your service weekend.
9. You may experience a frontal assault.
10. Insert your own “booby trap” joke here.
If we were talking about the Navy, I could have discussed “seamen” and going to the “head,” but alas…it is not to be this time, dear readers.
I hope this post makes you feel very patriotic, so go forth and perform your duties, my friends! God bless America!