She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, May 27, 2011

World's Worst Names for a Metal Band

As some of you may know, my husband is in a rock band.

When they started trying to think of a name for the band, they went through several options. The first name they came up with was Dy-Nasty. Like Dynasty, but with a little more “nasty.”

The next name that they considered was Dirty Dick and the Four Skins, but that was nixed because they only had 4 people in the band, and none of them were named Dick.  Damn!  And I really liked that one.

They finally settled on SnakeBone, which is a good name for a rock band because you’ve got “Snake,” which is kinda sinister sounding, and you’ve got “Bone,” which is creepy.

Yeah. Rockers are into skulls and shit like that.

Because my mind works in mysterious ways, I decided to think up some of the WORST names for a rock/metal band.  And share them with you, because I'm generous like that.

Metallicious - Kinda like Bootylicious, but more metal-y.

Rainbow Zombies - Here is a pic to depict the awesomeness of the Rainbow Zombies.

Wretched Kangaroo Abortion - I may have to trademark this.

Buffalo Ballet - And that’s totally NOT a Kirstie Alley reference.

Blonde Spider Apocalypse - Oooh, scary...and yet still sexy, don't ya think?

Shaved Kitten - Ok, I must say that this one is pretty fuckin’ great!
Meow, muthafucker.

Drunken Prius - For the metal band gone “green.”

Immortal Vogue Princess - For the metal band gone gay.

The Chunky Ferrets - I'm thinking Sammy Hagar could front this band.

Head Bangtastic - Mixture of head banging and fantastic-ness.

The Cheesy Skull Boys - Skull for the spooky factor, and cheese because, well…cheese is hella awesome!

Cocaine Diaper Addiction - This reminds me of my uncle.  Trust me, you don't wanna know.

Black Avalanche Band - Has kind of a cool vibe.

Iron Unicorn - Not your everyday sparkly unicorn.

Ass of Lucifer - My husband’s totally going to try and steal this one.

On that note, I think we’re done here.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Newsflash - WTF Edition

Hello, boys and girls!

Today we will be discussing the Adult Baby phenomenon.

I’m not talking about when your husband gets the sniffles and pretends he’s dying so you have to bring him food in bed and give him a sponge bath. And you know he’s totally milking his illness for the sponge bath part, right?

No, I’m talking about Stanley Thornton. Even his name sounds gooberific.

I just made up the word “gooberific.” Feel free to use it in your day-to-day operations.

Stanley, even though he is now 30 years old, lives his life as a baby. He drinks from a bottle, sucks a pacifier, and sleeps in a crib. And he is spoon-fed by his “mommy.”

Oh yeah, let’s talk about his “mommy.” Playing the role of boobalicious baby mama is his roommate, a former nurse who spoon feeds him, and babies him. I’m going to show you a picture of them, but please try not to get too aroused.
And yes, Stanley is wearing penguin-bedecked footie pajamas. SWEET!

Stanley was recently highlighted on the National Geographic channel's show, "Taboo." Here is a clip. You've totally gotta watch this shit!

Is everyone feeling better about themselves now?  Yeah, me too.

And the best part about all of this is that Stanley lives off of our taxpayer dollars!  Yay!  I'm so happy to be supporting this guy who is able to design and build his own furniture, yet refuses to get a fucking job. 

When an Oklahoma senator suggested that we shouldn't be supporting able-bodied individuals with disability payments, widdle Stanley-Poo pitched a big fat baby tantrum.  Here is his statement:

“You wanna test how damn serious I am about leaving this world, screw with my check that pays for this apartment and food. Try it. See how serious I am. I don’t care. I have no problem killing myself. Take away the last thing keeping me here, and see what happens. Next time you see me on the news, it will be me in a body bag.”

 I think somebody needs his widdle mouth washed out with some soapy-poo!

Here are my thoughts on the situation:
1.  Those Legos are way too small and are a choking hazard for an infant.  His mommy should take them away and make him play with the big chunky ones.
2.  Where do they find diapers that big?  Also, I don't EVEN want to know who changes his diapers...gack!

Stanley's diapered ass - What woman wouldn't want a piece of that?
3.  He reinforced the playpen to support up to 350 pounds.  Stanley may be pushing his luck with that weight limit....just sayin'.
4.  If he is able to switch to "adult mode" when he leaves the house, then he can use adult mode when he's at the house.  He just chooses not to.
5.  His teeth seem kind of yellow.  Babies should NOT be smoking!
6.  I think that if he wants to be treated like a baby, his driver's license should be revoked, and he should only be allowed to watch Teletubbies and Barney on TV.
7.  Lots of people have hard childhoods.  Get the fuck over it!

 I'll just leave you with a couple of pictures that came up when I Googled "Adult Baby."
I think that's actually an anal plug.
Damn you, Google!  Damn you to Hell!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Wash Your Arse, and Leave the Baby with Grandma!

Well, I went back to Dallas on Friday. If you read my other post about my last trip to Dallas, I know what you’re thinking:

Do this bitch be crazy????

Don’t worry! There were no hookers and butt plugs that would make Godzilla cry on this trip. I went with my daughter’s 4th Grade Choir for a competition being held at a water park. I helped to chaperone 47 9- and 10-year-old kids around a gazillion gallons of water. Now I really know what you’re thinking:

Do this bitch be crazy???

Ummmm, yeah, probably. At least I drove my car and didn’t have to ride the bus. That would have brought back all kinds of disturbing memories from high school (which may or may not have included hookers and giant butt plugs)…but that’s another story.

When we got to the water park, I went to the bathroom, and noticed this sign on the door of the stall.

So, let’s just take these tips one-by-one.

1. PLEASE don’t swim when you have diarrhea, especially kids in diapers.

REALLY? I’m disturbed that they actually had to write this down and post it on the door. Because I know that when I have diarrhea, my first thought is, “Hey, I think I’ll run down to the water park and blow mud in the pool.”

Nothing says “cure for diarrhea” like the scorching Texas sun, greasy food, and thousands of screaming kids.

I definitely wouldn’t want to stay around the house near a bathroom. Oh, nooooo! That’s not nearly as adventurous as having that bubbling feeling in your lower tract and having to race 200 yards, dodging kids, to get to a toilet before you shit yourself.

People, please stay at home when you’ve got intestinal problems. Because having the squirts is definitely a prime opportunity for explosive sharting to occur. And trust me, none of us want to see that. Especially if you’re going down a water slide.

I’ll just leave you with that enchanting picture in your head, and move on to #2.

2. PLEASE don’t swallow the pool water.

Thanks to Captain Obvious for adding this one to the list. Did you even read tip #1?

3. PLEASE practice good hygiene. Take a shower before swimming, and wash your hands with soap and water after using the toilet and changing diapers.

Again, isn’t this obvious? Or are there people out there who think that if they’re going swimming they don’t have to take a shower for a week before? After all, the chlorine will get ya clean. 

Never mind that you smell like an emu's ass before you get in the water.  We don't mind!

I know I can't stand to go without a shower.  I've gotta wash the odor of KY Jelly and gigolos off of my skin. 

Wait!  What was the question?  Ummmm, please disregard that last part.

Let’s just talk about hand washing for a minute. I learned when I was a toddler to wash my hands after going to the bathroom. (Thanks, Mom!) Yet, they have signs in bathrooms all across the country reminding us to wash our hands. Seriously, wash your damn hands after touching your no-no poopy spot. The rest of us don’t want your hiney germs.

4. PLEASE take your kids on bathroom breaks and check diapers often.

If you need a sign in a bathroom to tell you this, you probably don’t need to have custody of your children.

5. PLEASE change diapers in a bathroom and not at pool side.

Yes, PLEASE! While you may think your baby’s tushy is adorable and that their shit don’t stink, the rest of us are not quite so enamored of asses and poo when we’re trying to relax at the pool.

And what is with everyone bringing babies to water parks and amusement parks? They can’t enjoy the slides and rides. They are usually hot, sunburned, and miserable the whole time, so just stop already!

6. PLEASE wash your child thoroughly with soap and water before swimming.

This goes back to #3 regarding showering. Don’t you bathe your baby anyway? If not, please see #4.

So, there are the rules, along with my expert analysis. It basically boils down to: Use proper hygiene and common sense, and leave the babies at home.

By the way, the choir kiddos did an awesome job and got a SUPERIOR rating, which was the highest rating possible. Thanks to the choir director, who is the most awesome music teacher in the world!

A big thank you also goes out to the teachers and other parents who came out to chaperone these great kids! Your patience is amazing, and I couldn’t think of a more fun group of people to spend my Friday with!

Now, let’s go next time WITHOUT the kids.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Archie Comics - Betty's Still a Ho

I recently posted an updated version of the Archie Comic strip.  You can check it out here.

Unless you're a comic book purist, in which case...ya might not wanna go there.  Also, get a fucking life, you goober nerd.  Comic book purist?  Really?

This pic came up when I Googled "comic book purist."

Anywho, here is Episode 2 of the edgier, more relevant Archie:

Sunday, May 8, 2011

OMG! Am I Going To Get Sappy Here?

First of all, I would like to say that my sister, Lacy, is AWESOME! 

Really, she didn't even bribe me with bacon to say that.  I came up with it all on my own!

Wanna know what she did?  Do ya?  Do ya?

Ok, keep your pants on (except for you there can take yours off).  I'm gonna tell you.

My sister made a beautiful pictorial tribute to our mom and put it on YouTube. 

My mom.  Isn't she lovely?  (Just say, "YES!")

Our mom died in 2000 before she could see either of her beautiful grandbabies, who I will describe for you now.  Briefly, so you don't get bored.

My daughter is Miss Smarty Pants (MSP), and she was born in 2001.  My sister's baby, who we will call Rocker Dude (RD) was born in 2009.  RD is so named because the child is not even 2 years old, and he already LOVES guitars.  He likes to hold them, play them, look at them, lick them, what-ever-the-hell, just give the boy a 'tar and he is dandy.

So, without further ado, here is the video.  I've narrated the pics below, just in case you give a shit who all these people are.  Also, there are very sexy pictures of my legs included, so try to control your libidos, folks!

Ok, I guess that was WITH further ado, but now there's no more ado, so here is the video:

So, who the heck are these people?

1.  Our grandma (Mom's mother)
2.  Mom's parents
3-6.  Pics of my mom wearing a selection of corny glasses from the 60s and 70s.
7.  Mom and Dad - damn weirdos!
8.  Me and Mom with a goat and a weird farmer dude.  This is why I have an aversion to farms to this day!
9.  Mom - more glasses
10.  Bringing my baby sis home from the hospital.  That's me with the sexy legs.  I'm not sure how those skinny things didn't break in half.  Good Lord!
11. Me and Dad
12.  Mom and me holding kids at a birthday party.  I think that's my sister trying to stick her head in the cake.
13.  Mom and Lacy (my little sis) - They are so sweet when they're asleep, right?
14.  Me, Mom, Lacy
15.  Dad, Mom, and me holding Lacy.  As you can tell, I got my sexy legs from my dad...but not my socks...
16.  Lacy as a baby on the left. Me as a baby on the right.  Don't write it out loud on here, but feel free to e-mail me privately if you think I'm cuter.
17.  My husband and me.
18.  Me lookin' all professional
19.  Me and Dad.  Grandma in the background picking her teeth.
20.  My and my husband - gettin' ready to ROCK!
21.  My sis, Lacy, at her high school graduation (the year after Mom died).
22.  My cute sister!
23.  Lacy
24.  Lacy and Jerry Garcia...oh, wait!  That's our dad.
25.  Lacy
26.  My wedding day;  My sister's wedding day.
27.  Me and Dad;  Lacy and Dad - at our weddings.
28.  Me after swallowing an entire ham.  No.  Wait.  I was just pregnant.  Damn!
29.  Lacy with a cute little pregnant belly.  I'm going to slap her next time I see her.
30.  Holding my daughter for the 1st time.
31.  Lacy holding her son for the 1st time.
32.  Dad with MSP (1st grandchild)
33.  Dad with RD (1st grandson)
34.  Lacy with my baby
35.  Me with Lacy's baby
36.  Me and MSP
37.  Lacy and RD
38.  Sister and her family
39.  Dad, Lacy, me, and MSP at Lacy's nursing school graduation.
40.  Husband dancing with MSP
41.  My husband playing 'tar with RD
42.  Lacy with MSP at Miley Cyrus concert.
43.  Lacy and me
44.  Me, Dad, Lacy
45.  Lacy - thinking she's a damn princess!  Whatever!
46.  Me giving the stank eye.  WHY????
47.  Daughter being prissy before she became a tomboy.
48.  MSP
49.  MSP the biker baby with my dad
50 - 52.  MSP
53.  RD and MSP - their 1st Christmas pics
54.  RD with his faux hawk - Rock on, dude!
55.  RD the chubby cheeked wonder!
56.  RD and his daddy
57.  RD with his 'tar!!!
58.  RD
59.  Bad hair day for my mom (top), MSP (middle), and RD (bottom)
60.  Siblings - my mom on the right.  Their aunt in the front
61.  Some of Mom's awesome sisters!  Love these girls!
62.  Mom in the middle with some of her brothers and sisters.
63.  Me and my sister lighting a candle in memory of our mom at Lacy's wedding.  She shoulda been there.  It's not fair.

If you're still here, thanks so much for sticking with me.  And please give my sister a standing ovation. 

Yes, right there at your computer.  Go ahead and do it now, and I'll make sure to pass it along.

Happy Mother's Day, everyone!!!

And Mom, I miss you dearly, every single day of the year. 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Hobos and Vomit and Dildos, Oh My!

I couldn’t decide what to call this post.

Since I went to Dallas this past weekend, I originally called it “Shelia Does Dallas.” (If you don’t get that reference, you’re probably too young to be reading my blog.)

But Hobos and Vomit and Dildos, Oh My! sounded quite charming and whimsical, which is totally what I was going for here.

Now, don’t worry! This is not a boring look-at-my-pictures-of boring-stuff-I-did-this-weekend kind of post. There’s lots of action and fun, so read on, readers!!!

I went with my crazy cousin, Tammy, to see Lisa Lampanelli at the Majestic Theatre Friday night.

At the show, there was a whole row of very flamboyant gay men sitting behind us. Most of them were very cool, but one of the men was very loud and rude during the opening act; so my cousin turned around and told him to shut the fuck up. She’s so shy!

I was fully expecting to be ambushed by the dudes in the parking lot. I imagine all sorts of scratching, hair-pulling, and attempted-strangulation with colorful scarves would have ensued.

However, we did make it out safely (probably due to the giant pair of scissors I had in my purse) and then checked into the Hyatt Regency. Here is an over-the-balcony pic that made my butt hole clench up while I was taking it.

On Saturday, we went to Dick’s Last Resort for some great food and drinks.

Our awesome waitress made us some very classy hats.
If you can't see this, the dude has a broken finger, and his hat says, "I broke my finger in her butt!"

For some reason, a group of ladies decided to bring their kids into Dick’s. Bad idea! I was trying to hide my totally inappropriate hat because the kids were staring and trying to read it.

The kids were mostly girls, but trailing them was one young boy. He read my hat, and then waggled his eyebrows at me, and said, “Nice!”

Oh. My. God.

I just received a nice-blow-job-hat eyebrow waggle from a friggin‘ 9-year-old!

Then the tornado sirens started going off in downtown Dallas, and the electricity went off. I went to the bathroom, and thought I had locked the door properly, but hell…it was dark…who knew for sure?

This hooker in a sparkly dress busts into my stall, practically crushing my skull with the stall door.

She trilled, in a very annoying little voice, “Omigod! I’m like, so sorry. But it’s ok because we all have, like, the same parts. Hee hee hee!”

Yeah, bitch, but what about that subdural hematoma you just gave me?

Here is a pic of the stall-slamming whore who wore a sequined evening dress to a restaurant that serves ribs and something called “Chick’n Fry’d Chicky.”

When I regained consciousness, Tammy and I decided to scope out the city. That’s when we spotted a store called “Condoms To Go.”

We just knew this had serious blog potential, so we entered the establishment to do a little research.

Yes, it was totally for research, not because we are perverts. Seriously, stop laughing!

A young lady employee, who we shall call “Cherry” was schooling us on the benefits of a personal shaving product called “Coochy.” With a straight face.

I decided that this was an excellent time for an impromptu blog interview.

Me: So this place is “Condoms To Go.” Is there also a “Condoms To Stay” in the city?

Cherry: Ummm, not that I know of. It’s pretty much a take-out kind of business.

Me: Has anyone ever asked if you have a fitting room?

Cherry: {giggling} No, but that’s an excellent idea!

Me: Do you have any of these edible underwear that taste like chicken?

Cherry: We only have apple and watermelon.

Me: Do these pasties pull the hair off of your nipples when you remove them?

Cherry: You have hair on your nipples?

Me: Uhhh, never mind! I’m doing the interviewing here, dammit! So, about these 12-inch diameter butt plugs...does anyone actually buy these?

Cherry: A few people. Very few.

Me: Can I have their phone numbers?

Cherry: No.

Then she walked off. Hmmph. And I thought it was going so well!

Here are some interesting pictures that I covertly snapped in the store:

Later on Saturday night, we poofed up our hair for a night on the town.

Tammy and I decided it would be a super-fun idea to ride the train over to the West End.

Sometimes "super-fun" actually translates to "super-homicidal."

While waiting for the train, we were accosted by several very aggressive hobos who “just wanted to buy some food, man.”

I’m sure they would NOT have used the money to buy booze or cigarettes, even though they all smelled like 2 a.m. at the local honky tonk.

One of them even pulled out her papers to prove that she had just gotten released from jail that day.

Because that made her seem much more respectable.

Also, we saw someone’s pants in the trash can. I don’t even want to know.

Hey, maybe one of the panhandlers can sell these pants to buy more crack and Wild Turkey food.

When we finally got on the train, we noticed a very strange and foul odor. Checking the seat in front of us, we saw this:

Yes, that’s vomit.

Thank God we had a very short ride to our destination.

We rounded off the evening by eating some excellent sushi, having a few drinks, listening to some music, and NOT riding the train back to the hotel. Taxi!!!

Despite a massive head wound, potential tornados, the vomit incident, monster anal plugs, and almost getting whooped by a band of rogue homosexuals, this was the most fun I‘ve had in a long time!

Yes, my social life is sad.

Now, who wants to go with me on my next road trip?