She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, August 30, 2010

A Shitty Fairy Tale....literally

I would like to start out by saying that if you have a really sensitive gag reflex, you may want to turn away now.  Go read one of my milder blogs like this one, or this one, or maybe this one.

Otherwise, press on my little bloggy critters...

Once upon a time in a land far, far, away my office, a young prince came in for an examination.  He ventured into our bathroom, which had been freshly cleaned just that very morning.  He was the first person of the day to use it; this will become important later in the story.

After the young prince left, the queen (that's me) went into the restroom to straighten her crown and fluff her exquisite golden hair in the mirror.  This incredibly lovely queen (ok, I'm pushing it...just trying to make it interesting here) looked down at the toilet throne and saw this:

My Throne
"Surely you jest!"  remarked the queen.  Which in modern terms means, "You've gotta be f*cking kidding me!"  The young prince had shit ON the queen's throne!

It was smeared all over the toilet throne in a most disturbing manner.  The only way this could have been accomplished would be for someone to crap on the toilet throne seat, then sit on it and wiggle around to achieve the desired pattern.  I know this because I am a poo expert. 

Now, maybe you're thinking that the poor little fella didn't know what he was doing.  Well, this boy was not exactly a toddler or even a young child.  He was 13 years old!  In my expert opinion (see official certificate above), 13 is plenty old enough to go to the bathroom without shitting all over everything.

Even as a very small child, if I had an accident of a caca nature, I had the sense to tell my mom that I needed some help with said accident.  I knew enough not to just leave it there on the toilet like some macabre art project.

Since there was no evidence of a clean-up attempt, I can only assume that this youngster went home with dookey smeared all over his butt and legs.  I venture to predict that this dude will remain a virgin until he is properly potty-trained.

Can you just imagine the first time he pulls something like this when he's over at a girlfriend's house?  Imagine that he's anticipating a little horizontal mambo since the girlfriend's parents are out of town.  The young couple has a lovely candlelit burrito dinner, after which the boy goes into the bathroom.  A short time later, the girl goes into the restroom to "freshen up" in anticipation of their upcoming romantic interlude.  She looks down and sees fresh doody all over her toilet. 

Methinks that this would be an instant mood killer, especially since she will have to clean it up before her parents get home.  I hypothesize that the young prince ain't getting no action tonight.  In the slightly paraphrased words of the Soup Nazi, "No sex for you!"

So, the moral of this tale is:  The shit goes IN the toilet, dude!

Don't say THAT on a first date!

Ok, creatures!  Since I helped some of you guys find lust love with my blog on swingers and such, I've decided to do some match-making for you singles out there.  I know, I'm a servant to your happiness!

However, before I show you the pictures and bios, I thought I would give you some pointers to avoid those uncomfortable silences that can occur during a first date.  Here are some things that would be excellent to say if you notice a lull in the conversation:

1.  Wanna see my gallstones? {pulling a small jar from your pocket}

2.  I'll have the fava beans and a nice chianti.

3.  I own stock in KY Jelly. {wink, wink}

4.  Have you ever noticed that sometimes your farts smell like what you ate last night?

5.  My psychic advisor says we're going to get married.

6.  Which Smurf is YOUR favorite?
7.  I really need to call home and check on my quadruplets.  You like kids, right?

8.  I just don't understand why people get all freaked out about contracting syphilis!

9.  I love your perfume.  It smells kinda like ass and cat food.

10.  My mom likes to watch.  Is that cool with you?

11.  You shore got a purty mouth.

12.  I illegal immigrant.  You want get marry?

13.  My favorite song is, "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round." 

14.  I'm so excited!  My proctologist said my infection is almost cleared up!

15.  {mumbling} It rubs the lotion on the skin.....

16.  Is it ok if I call you, "Mommy?" (This is especially charming if you're a lady asking your male date this question.

17.  Dammit, when is Valtrex going to come out with once-daily dosing?

18.  I'd really like to show you my basement.  Put this blindfold on.

19.  What color is your poo in the morning?

20.  I'm a blogger!

Please try out these suggestions this weekend and let me know how they work.  I'm sure you'll have great success!

  The Love Doctor

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Who wants to call my husband names?

Alrighty, blog creatures!  I need an alias for my husband, for the purposes of the blog.  Another blogger calls her husband "The Sexy Beast," which makes me smile everytime I read it!  I would love to have an equally fabulous and descriptive moniker for my sweetie.

I have come up with a couple, including The Spicy Italian, The Muggle ('cuz he's one of them non-magical folk), and Jackass (oops, did I say that out loud?).  He didn't like those, so he said he would come up with his own alias, but so far he's given me nothing useful.  Maybe he thinks that if I can't come up with an appropriate name, I won't blog about him.  Yeah, I think he's afraid of what I might say (as he should be!). 

Anyway, now the husband no longer has a say in the matter.  I will take your suggestions and the one that I love the best will win!  Other options I was thinking about were, Signore Sexy Pants, Kojak, and Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love.

I was hoping y'all could help a sista out.  Give me all of your awesome suggestions!  Here are the vitals and a picture for you to make a well-informed suggestion:

Height:  6 foot, 6 inches
Weight:  Just right
Age:  Old enough to know better, but that usually doesn't stop him!
Sexiness factor:!
Eyes:  Brown
Hair:  Shaved
Build:  Athletic
Other:  Likes guitar, golf, and football.  Played football in college.  Has got a great sense of humor, rather dry.  Very hard-working.

What a cutie, huh?

Good Lord, it looks like I'm filling out an online dating form for him!  Or perhaps pimping him out.  Maybe I should just call him the Man-Whore.  Somebody, please help me before he becomes known as The Man Whore!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Old people ROCK!

This video is serving as my post for today.  Don't complain, just enjoy!  Click on "Granny kicks ass" below.

Granny kicks ass!

It really needs no comment, but, shit, that just wouldn't be ME!  So here ya go:

1.  Notice that the dog in the video is totally oblivious to all of the awesomeness going on behind him.  Poor dog doesn't know what he's missing!
2.  I love how she doesn't even put down her bag, and she still rocks it out.  She just switches that bag from hand to hand with the greatest of ease.  Someone's been practicing....
3.  Exactly how do you get one's hair that color?  Is there actually a hair dye called, "Bright and Fugly?"  It is the perfect combination of red, orange, pink, and (dare I say) purple.
4.  She needs to wear a bra.
5.  None of the people seem to even be watching her.  Good Lord, if I walked by a granny bustin' some moves like that, I would stop and throw dollars at her!  Or perhaps I would show her some of my own moves.  I often have the urge to dance in public, which is why my husband and daughter won't go anywhere with me unless I'm restrained by a leash or a straightjacket.  Some people just don't appreciate the art of fine dancing.  I say they are uncouth and uncivilized!

Ok, that's all.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Swingers, pubic hair, and naked bicycle booties

I would like to preface this post by adamantly insisting that I am not an anti-kid person. I adore the little ankle biters and love being around them. However, it seems reasonable to me to occasionally (like every 20 years or so) want a peaceful, romantic getaway where no kids are allowed. You know, a place where you can relax by the pool or on the beach without hearing this from someone’s kid every 5 freakin’ seconds: “Hey, watch this. Hey! Hey, mom! Hey, watch this. Ok, now watch me do it backwards. Where’s dad? Hey, dad! Watch this!” If I wanted to hear that, I would have stayed at home and been annoyed by my own kid.

I was researching vacations where no kids are allowed. Let me give you some advice…don’t type in “adult only vacation” into your search engine.... Ok, I’ll wait here while you go type it in.


Yeah, if you search adult only vacation, you will get some info you really didn’t want to know about. Well, maybe some of you want this info…you freaks!

I was really wanting something tropical, like an island, so I tried another search. Now, whatever you do, DO NOT search for “adult exotic vacation.” *Sigh* I’ll wait for you while you go do it. You bastards never listen to me…
 {Jeopardy theme playing here}

Errr, I’m pretty sure I typed in “exotic” and not “erotic,” but I still found lots of swinger’s resorts and clothing optional resorts.

Option #1

Let’s start with the clothing optional resorts. I searched 'til my eyeballs hurt, but I didn’t see anything on the websites about a weight limit at these places. Ummm, perhaps this would be wise for all involved. It seems like it would be hard to get all romantic with your honey when you have people looking like Rosie O’Donnell or John Goodman walking around butt-ass naked. On the other hand, you throw Matthew McConaughey’s fine naked ass on a beach, and I am there, dude!

Oh yeah!  That's what mama likes!
But why is he always wearing pants?

And what about the waitresses and the chefs? Do you want your food to be cooked or served by somebody who is not wearing pants? Just think about what I’m saying for a minute. If you need a hint, listen to this song.

No, seriously this song is funny as shit! Go click on that link!

One of the other things that really bothers me is that they offer complimentary bicycles at the clothing optional resorts. Ewwww, just….ewwww. I don’t think I could even sit naked on a chair some other naked person had sat on, much less put my ass on a bicycle seat that’s been in someone else’s nether regions. GAG!

Option #2

Then there are the swingers’ resorts. From reading the reviews, it sounds like the parties at these places get pretty wild.
Sweet baby Jesus!  WTF is that?

Most of the swingers' resorts are clothing optional as well. Apparently people have nothing against getting it on with strangers in public…at parties, in the stairwell, in the pool.

Wait, in the pool? Now I don’t think I’m a prude, but if a couple of strangers start having sexy times in the pool, I’m outta there. My greatest fear is that something like this would happen:

Can you just imagine the shit floating around in a pool where people have been boppin’ the kitty, putting the salami in the fridge, checking the oil, plowing cheeks, or hiding Herman the one-eyed German? I refuse to swim in a pool where someone is getting waterlogged, if ya know what I mean.

I just wonder what kind of people swing like this? Perhaps foxy twins looking for a foursome?
Someone pour bleach in my eyes - NOW!
Oh, here’s a match for these ladies! Might as well keep it in the family. Inbreeding seems to be a lifestyle choice for these folks.

Who wants to swing with these party boys?

Hey, I'm pretty good at this match-making thing.  I think I'll try to help some more people out there.  In case you're a swinger or are interested in trying it, here are some other potential hook-ups for you and your significant other.

To me, this looks like a great couple to get with!  The guy seems to be up for anything, as shown by his thumbs up and jolly smile.  And the "lady," well...what can I say about her?  The athletic shoes illustrate that she's sporty and fun.  Then you've got the sheer top for a little sexiness, and the pearls and hairdo seem to add a touch of class, don't ya think?

Oh, this would be a fine pair for any potential swingers.  They like to color-coordinate, and they do it so well!  While the lady is dressed so formally, she's showing that she also has a casual side by showing off her shoes she got from Goodwill.  What a great girl!  I'll bet she's a barrel (or 10) of laughs, even though just by looking at her, you would think she's just another pretty face.  And the fellow, well, he's just another pretty face.  Sometimes a woman's gotta have her eye candy.

Snappy dressers - what more do you need?

If you're going for sexy, well...who wouldn't want a piece of this action?  The girl is rocking magenta hair (so hip), and the dude is very sporty with his matching headband.  You can tell that this guy is obsessive about maintaining a healthy lifestyle because he is wearing those stockings that make you look gay prevent blood clots.  I like that he's embraced his feminine side with the go-go boots, but like a real man, he doesn't shave his ass!  That's the best of both worlds right there, folks!

Wow!  I am so freakin' good at finding matches for you guys!  The man in this pic is totally bringing sexy back with that hairdo.  And the dear lady must be the most considerate person in the world.  She has brought a snack for her swinging partners.  She actually has an entire ham in her pants.  Never mind that it's tearing her best pair of sexy pants...she will sacrifice for you!  What a gal!

Well, my darlings, that's all I have for you today.  Please let me know if you're interested in doing the whole orgy swinging thing with any of these couples.  Next time, I think I will try to help some of you single dudes and ladies with more of my matchmaking skills.  It's ok!  No need to grovel with adoration and gratitude.'re making me blush!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I got a blogging award

I have received a blogging award!  Hey, stop laughing!

I received this award from Angie at Like She's Somebody.  She is a hoot and if you haven't checked out her blog, go do it now.  Seriously, GO!  But just make sure you come back!

It is now my duty to pass this award along to other deserving bloggers who make me smile every day!  And the award goes to......

My Kids Might Be Martians
Hiding From the Kids
Content Unrelated (Make sure to check out the "Is it Manly?" series.)
Disco Lemonade
Mental Poo
Mommy Wants Vodka 
Red Means Go
Sassy Curmudgeon

Thanks for the pass the love on to some of your favorite bloggers!

Oop, I forgot that you're also supposed to list 5 random things about yourself.  Here are mine:

1.  I LOVE football!  It's my favorite sport
2.  My family is very confusing.  My dad and my mother-in-law are both named Terry/Teri, and I have 2 brothers-in-law named Mike.  Makes for a lot of confusing conversations!
3.  I once won a syrup sopping contest.  See, now you know just how fabulous I am!
4.  I hit a motorcycle with my car as a teenager.  They were ok, and I was ok, but it left me open for all kinds of comments and jokes...still to this day!
5.  I like big butts, and I cannot lie.  'Nuff said!

Random enough for ya?
I'm outta here!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Things That Get On My Damn Nerves - Chapter 3

Ok, sweeties! Here is the 3rd installment of "Things That Get On My Damn Nerves."

Kids at Dave & Buster's

For those of you who don't know what Dave and Buster's is, it's like Chuck E. Cheese for grown ups. There is a restaurant (with food that's actually decent), pool tables, shuffleboard, and a bar at the front. At the back of the establishment is one big-ass arcade! Wooooo boy! They have all of your old favorites like Pac-Man, Centipede, and Space Invaders, as well as more modern arcade games, shooting games, virtual golf, and skee ball.

Dave & Buster's arcade

Now, let me tell you, I can play the shit out of some skee ball.

I am da bomb at skee ball!
But when I try to play at Chuck E. Cheese some little kid is always whining about me hogging the skee ball game.

Oh, stick a sock in it, kid!
I often get the stank eye from some mom after I whack her little darling in the head with the ball on my back swing.

Sorry, lady! He should know to stay the hell out of my way; I'm trying to hit that little 100,000 point hole and get a high score. Good Lord, I NEED those extra tickets because there is a sparkly rubber ball I've had my eye on over there in the prize area, and I only need 8000 more tickets! Anyway, this is the reason why I have always liked going to Dave & Buster's - NO KIDS ALLOWED IN THE GAMING AREA!

My dream prize!
But the last time I went to Dave & Buster's, there were kids everywhere!  Who made this insane decision?  No one consulted me, dammit!  Now I can't even say "shit" when I lose my last little dude on Pac-Man without worrying about some pipsqueak overhearing me.  And I certainly don't want to get that stank eye from momma again.  {*shiver*}

I love spending time with my kid, but sometimes it's nice to go to a grown-up place where you can eat, drink, and have fun.  This place used to be Dave & Buster's, but now it's pretty much a sucky playground area.  Please, for the love of God, stop the insanity!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Blogger needs love!

Hey, blogosphere!  Rox, a fellow blogger and long-time friend, is going thru a hard time.  Her husband just had surgery to have a cancerous tumor removed from his brain.  They've got a long road ahead, so drop by and give her some love!

Monday, August 16, 2010

I Gots Guacamole In My Eye!!!

Hey there, bloggy land! As anyone who works with the public can tell you, dealing with people can be ummm….well…interesting. In fact, here are some tales that are just too interesting not to share. Let’s start the week off with some glaucoma stories, shall we?

I had a patient that told me that his previous doctor told him that he needed his eye pressure checked regularly because he was at risk for guacamole. Just try to maintain a professional demeanor when someone tells you that!

Guacamole!!!  Don't get it in your eye!

There was another patient that had glaucoma (or guacamole, depending on who you talk to) that refused treatment because he wanted to wait until marijuana was legalized. Ummm, would you like to go ahead and start learning Braille now? Because despite what your cousin in California told you, smoking pot will not “cure” your glaucoma. Though it’s true that marijuana can lower your eye pressure a few points, it is not enough to effectively treat the disease. In fact, you would have to smoke 8-10 marijuana cigarettes a day to achieve the same results as putting an eyedrop in once a day. So drop that argument, Cheech!

Cheech Pictures, Images and Photos
Cheech - the same color as guacamole.  Coincidence?  I think NOT!

I absolutely adore my patients because they make me smile each and every day!

What's Your Answer?

1. If a flight to the moon was as cheap as airfare, you you go?
Hell, I can't even afford airfare! But if I could, I would definitely go to the moon so I could get some moonrocks to throw at the Kardashians...all of them...I'm tired of looking at them! Regular rocks would not properly express my hatred of these bimbos.

2. Did you ever kiss someone you didn't know?
This one band camp... Oh, wait, that was something else. Ummm, no to the kissing a stranger. You've gotta buy me dinner first! Though I have been known to kiss on the 1st date.

3. Would you reboard an airplane that had to land because of a problem?
Probably not. What if that were one of the times God was trying to overtly tell you something and you didn't listen. Also, I've seen Final Destination waaaay too many times!

4. What is the saddest thing you've ever seen while driving down the road?
Someone laying on the road after a motorcycle accident. No, I wasn't the one that hit them! Though I was hit by a motorcycle when I was a teenager. Yes, there were cars and motorcycles way back then, smartasses!

5. Have you ever had a dream that warned you of something?
Yes, last night I had a dream that told me I shouldn't have eaten that burrito before bed. Does that count?

Friday, August 13, 2010

My hero can kick your hero's ass!

My husband and I went to the movies tonight. We saw The Other Guys, which was freaking hilarious, by the way. (Side note: Do not take the kids to this movie unless you want to do a lot of 'splaining about vaginas, orgies, and pimps.)

Anyway, as we were leaving the theater, we saw several cop cars in the parking lot with lights flashing. Uh oh! What the hell? Was there a vehicle break-in? Rape? Murder? on to find out the dastardly details.

We noticed two young men in the back of a police car. Whew! At least the heinous criminals had been apprehended. Hubby asked a police officer what had happened.

Apparently, the two yoots had been to see The Expendables, starring every blockbuster action hero ever to grace the silver screen. I mean, this movie is just full of testosterone! So the young theater goers were having what I assume was a very mature discussion about which actor from the movie could kick the most ass. One of the geniuses insisted that Rambo could kick the Terminator's ass, and the other young genius took offense, stating that the Terminator was clearly the more dominant hero. Things allegedly escalated from there, and the two yoots proceeded to get into a slobber-knocker of a fist fight. At this point, the police were called and Einstein and Copernicus were arrested.

Oh. My. Gawd. Is this really worth fighting about and going to jail for? Is it really that important to agree on which fictional character could kick the other one's ass? This had to be one of the stupidest fights EVER!

So on the way home, hubby and I started discussing other movie heroes. I said that I didn't think the Terminator or Rambo could kick Edward Cullen's ass. I mean, he's so fast and strong, right? Hubby postulated that Harry Potter could beat any of them with his magical talent. Honestly, I thought he was flippin' crazy (Cullen would totally destroy Potter!), but we were very mature in our disagreement. Well, hubby did call me a damn fool and tried to kick me out of the truck, but I hit him in the head with my purse and made him keep driving.

I'll let you khow how the rest of our "discussion" goes after he finishes getting stitches in his head and I make bail. Until then.....

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Joke of the week

This one is short and sweet and definitely falls under the category of "corny."

A man went into a psychiatrist's office. He says, "Doc, last night I dreamed I was a teepee. The night before that I dreamed I was a wigwam. What is going on with me?"

The doctor replied, "You're too tents."

Yeah, I know.....

Chinese, anyone?

Some of my favorite written “bloopers” are from Chinese restaurants. Oh, don’t get your panties in a wad….I know English is their second language, but they still crack me up. Here are some examples:

Chicken with peanut - In this case, you get chicken and ONE peanut.

Cup or bowel of hot and sour soup - Wonder if they sell many bowels, or if most people opt for the cup, just to be safe.

Beef with balls - WTF??? I saw this on a Chinese buffet once. Needless to say, I didn’t eat any of it.

Pork lion with sauce - Is it pork or is it lion? Either way, I skipped this one too. I don’t care if lion IS the other white meat.

Please pay check after dying. - Uhhhhh, ok. It may be a while, as I’m not planning on dying soon. That’s why I didn’t eat the balls, the lion, or the "bowel" of soup.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

New deodorant

I had to buy new deodorant this week. That and toilet paper are two things I try to NEVER run out of. I usually use the spray deodorant, but they were out of the brand I like, so I got the solid kind instead. I read the directions on the back:

"Remove cap and push up bottom."

Ok, I did that, but it's making me walk really funny and when I fart, the room smells powder fresh.

I think I'll definitely just get the spray next time.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'M A WINNER! Oh wait, no I'm not.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am the proud winner of JACK SQUAT! Thank ya, thank ya very much! Please hold your applause.

At my house, we are playing the Brookshire's Collect and Win game (aka the "Collect and Don't Win Shit" game). You know what I'm talking about....the teasing little game that companies like to inflict on their customers to make them think they're actually going to win a gazillion dollars or a house like Oprah's. Everytime you shop at the store you get these little game pieces that you have to stick onto the "game board." Collect all of the pieces for a particular prize, and you win that prize.

Maybe you're familiar with McDonald's Monopoly version of this "Collect and Win A Giant Pile of Nada" game. Call me a sucker, but every time they announce the start of this Monopoly scam, I just HAVE to run by McDonald's at least once a day for my chance at striking it rich. Here's how my order goes: "I would like the Big Mac meal, super-sized {because the game pieces only come on the LARGE fries and drink}, 4 apple pies, and ummmmm some chicken nuggets, aaannnddd a filet-o-fish."

I excitedly pull forward and start opening my nine game pieces. I totally ignore the incessant honking of the bungholes behind me in line. After all, TODAY IS THE DAY I'm going to strike it rich! I'm wearing my lucky underwear (no holes), I hit all the green lights on the way to work, and I ran over a rabbit this morning. (That counts as a lucky rabbit's foot, right?) I stick my head out the window and scream, "I will be able to buy and sell you, you impatient shithead! As soon as I can get these game pieces open and collect my cash!"

Ok, ok, what have we got? Boardwalk! Yes!!! I knew this was my lucky day! Now all I need is the corresponding Park Place piece and I will be rollin' in the Benjamins. (Yes, I'm street. Step off, biatches!) Next one, Marvin Gardens - well, that's ok. I've got 7 more to open. After 2 more Marvin Gardens, 2 Mediterraneans, a St. James Place, a Tennessee Avenue and a Reading Railroad, I'm totally depressed, so I eat all of the food I've ordered to comfort me. However, I do save one of the apple pies for my daughter. I'm generous like that; plus, there's no need for gluttony. And remember, I have to do this whole process again tomorrow.

Eventually I will win a small order of fries or an ice cream cone, neither of which comes with another game piece (not fair!). So basically what I've learned is that playing the McDonald's Monopoly game only leads to: 1) little game pieces littering my car and 2) a couple extra layers of fat on my ass. Yeah, like I needed that!

But I digress. We were discussing the Brookshire's "Collect For Weeks and Win a Two Dollar Gift Card" game. My darling hubby brought home groceries and presented me with the game pieces. Yeah, he's always thinking of me. Back off ladies...he's mine! I anxiously open the game pieces and get one for the gazillion dollars. Yay! Only 5 more gazillion dollar pieces to go, and that cash is mine! Then I get one for the Carnival Cruise. Oh yeah, just one more to win that! It's not a gazillion dollars, but a cruise would totally cheer me up. Then I get one for the $2 gift card. Oooooh.....ahhhhhh.

Then guess what? I got the second piece for the Carnival Cruise! Oh. My. Gawd. I've actually won something worth more than 59 cents! I was running all over the house doing my favorite dance moves: running man, sprinkler, funky chicken, cabbage patch, cotton-eyed Joe, rump shaker, and the horny antelope (don't ask!). I stepped on the poor cat's tail, but promised him I would bring him a most fabulous cat toy back from my cruise, so he forgave me.

Then my hubby comes in to see what all of the fuss is about. I proudly show him our fabulous prize! He didn't seem quite as pumped up as I was. Well, just wait until I get some new lingerie for the cruise. Then I'll bet he gets excited! Errrr, maybe not after all that McDonald's food...

"Uhhh, honey," he says. "You don't actually win automatically. It's a drawing for a cruise." WTF? I pull out my magnifying glass to read the fine print:

To enter - Collect each sweepstakes marker and affix to a 3X5 index card. Print your name, address, phone number, age, social security number, astrological sign, height, weight, bra or penis size, handprint of your first-born child, all current medications, number of piercings, and shoe size. Mail to the address listed below.

Oh, hells bells! I'll never fit all of that on a 3X5 index card. And I'm not applying for Medicare here, people....just give me the effin' cruise!!! Well, now I'm disgusted and just want to throw the whole game board in the trash. But my hubby encourages me to keep trying. After all, we are sooooo close to winning that $2 gift card. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

I'll keep you updated, but in the meantime, anyone know what time McDonald's closes?

Friday, August 6, 2010

Give Me a Freegan Break!

Today I will be discussing freeganism. Have ya heard of it? If not, well, read on dear friend…you’re about to be educated and probably pretty grossed out.

Freegans are people who are against consumerism. They don’t believe that people should spend their money on things like food, clothing, cars, etc. When I first heard about this lifestyle on the radio, I thought that it was kind of neat – people living simply, embracing the Little House on the Prairie way of life. Yeah! More people should do that. After all, who is not sick of seeing 5 year-olds walking around with their Gucci purses, thousand dollar lap dogs, and brand new iPhones? It’s like a bunch of mini Paris Hiltons have taken over every mall in America. Let’s tone it down a notch, right?

Then they got to the crown jewel of freeganism. Know what it is? Anyone? You there in front of your computer – yeah, you with the black shirt on. No??? Ok, I’ll tell you. The hallmark of a freegan lifestyle is dumpster diving. Yes, you heard me right. These folks are so opposed to consumerism that they refuse to buy food; instead, they choose to scavenge food from the dumpsters behind restaurants and grocery stores. Now these aren’t homeless people who are digging for food just to stay alive. These are people who CHOOSE to dig through the trash for food, rather than walk in the store and spend 10 bucks on groceries.

There is also a freegan cookbook. Now how the hell does that work? “Honey, I need you to run down to the dumpster behind Brookshire’s to find some stuff for this recipe. I need 12 ounces of chicken, a cup of flour, a teaspoon of salt, and some diced onion.” Does a freegan take their measuring cup and a food scale on their dumpster diving expeditions?

Many freegans are also vegans (they don’t eat meat, eggs, cheese, or anything that comes from animals – it’s like hardcore vegetarianism). But some will eat meat and often scavenge meat that has just reached its expiration date and is thrown out by grocery stores. Maybe this only occurs in cooler climates, because I’m from Texas, and let me tell you…if you leave a big hunk of raw meat in this heat for more than 5 minutes, it’s already covered with maggots and vermin. I appreciate these people’s concern for the environment and their distaste for waste, but good Lord! Dumpster diving is just freegan gross!

Another aspect of the freegan lifestyle is growing their own gardens. Now that may seem like a good idea until they tell you how they fertilize them. This could also be a new term for you: humanure. I probably don’t even have to explain this to you. It seems self-explanatory, but let me expound for you, because I’m nothing if not thorough. Freegans apparently also despise sewer systems so they make their own toilets and use the contents to fertilize their gardens. Ok, I’m starting to gag just writing this. Can you imagine?

Freegan: “Hey, you want some carrots?”

Me: “Yummy! Ummmm, why are they brown?”

Freegan: “I just grew them in my own shit!”

Me: {Simultaneously puking and using hand sanitizer, LOTS of hand sanitizer.}

Freegans don’t believe in jobs because they think it’s a form of slavery to work for someone else. Some of them will work minimal hours just to pay their rent, but others just become squatters in unused buildings. I agree that we do waste too much stuff, but to me it seems a little extreme to live in a hovel and eat garbage and doo doo food. If you want to help the environment and live a simpler life, that’s fine. But don’t be freegan nasty!

One of the main things that I’ve learned while researching freeganism is that they even recycle their words: vegan --> freegan, manure --> humanure. I’ve also learned that I have a very strong gag reflex, so I could never be a freegan. I don’t live an extravagant lifestyle, but I do appreciate such things as indoor plumbing, clean food, and air conditioning. My research has inspired me to try and do a better job of conserving. Maybe I’ll recycle more and try to eat leftovers instead of throwing the food out. But dumpster diving and eating food grown in human crap? No FREEGAN way!

Five Question Friday

1. Are you a neat sleeper or a messy sleeper?
I'm not sure. I'm generally asleep and unaware of my neatness/messiness when I'm sleeping. Duh!

2. Fill in the blank. I wish I was more ________________.
Attentive. Holy cow, I can't concentrate on anything! Hold on, I've gotta go get my popcorn out of the microwave.... Ok, I'm back. What was I saying? Oh yeah, attentiveness. I tend to have problems concentrating. Oops, be right back. I've got a new message on facebook.... Alright, where was I? Hell, never mind!

3. What is something that you wish you had been warned about?
That guy that always wears the t-shirt that says, "I'm the guy your momma warned you about." What's up with that? I had a great mom, but she never told me about that guy.

4. What was the best thing you ever found at a garage sale/flea market?
Underwear. No, just kidding! Why do people sell underwear at a garage sale? Really - ewwwww!

5. If you could have any meal brought to you right now, what would it be?
Hmmmm. That's a hard one because I just ate Mexican food, so I'm not hungry. Perhaps a warm brownie (no nuts) with vanilla ice cream and hot fudge would be nice, though.