She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

The P90X Exercise Program – Day 1

Ok, seeing as though I’m a slightly chubby Opto-Mom, I’ve decided I am getting in shape! Rather than the stripper pole exercise video that I mentioned in a previous blog, I decided to go with a hardcore workout program: P90X. It is advertised as an “extreme” fitness system. Sure…I can do extreme! Can’t I? You’ll just have to read on and see. Perhaps it was a bad sign that the box it came in felt really heavy to me.

Day One is here, and I’m ready…I’m stoked…I’m pumped to get started and get that “beachbody” they were advertising! There is a little chart in there that tells you what to do on day one, day two, etc. So, I look at Day One, and it reads, “Chest & Back, Ab Ripper X.” What? Two videos on Day One? Isn’t Day One supposed to be like orientation day where you sit around and eat cookies and work out your goals, or something? Guess that’s not “extreme.”

So, I pop in the “Chest & Back” DVD. That sweet fellow on there welcomes me and tells me a little about the video and how he’s going to make me a lean, fit machine. I really feel like he’s talking just to me! What a nice guy! And he’s so buff!

We start the warm-up, and I’m feeling good. I’m really doing it! I’m going to have a beachbody! WooooHoooo! Then we get to the arm circles. You know the ones: you hold your arms straight out to your sides and make little circles. Now, our p.e. coach in elementary school used to make us do these. I hated arm circles then, and I hate them now. I was a very polite child, so I never said anything out loud during this child torture in elementary school. But in my head I was thinking bad things about this coach: big meanie, poopy head, etc. As my vocabulary has expanded into adulthood, I have some other choice names for my current coach, that sweet fellow on the video. But he’s just trying to help me, get me warmed up, so I endure without yelling any ugly epithets at my television.

Ok, we’re done warming up and I’m already sweating. I’m good, though! Let’s get to it! Mr. Sweet Video Guy (MSVG) tells me we’re going to do push ups. So I haul myself down to the floor.

Me: ONE…………
MSVG: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, how are you doing?
Me: {grunt} TWO…………
MSVG: 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, keep it going!
Me: {with slightly quivering arms at this point} THREE………

I actually had to pause the video to complete my set of 10 push ups. MSVG and his band of buff minions had already knocked out 30 before I reached 5! Who are these people???

Then we went on to chin-ups. I don’t have the chin-up bar yet, so I was using resistance bands, the alternative listed in the literature for Hell on Earth, er, I mean P90X. This went pretty well, though I could feel the burn. Then it was back to push ups, military style, this time. UGH!

Again, I’m struggling through these, when Mr. Happy on my video screen cheerfully chirps, “You may need to put your knees on the ground to start out.” WHAT? I had to overcome the urge to reach into my TV and yank Mr. Happy out (assuming I could move my arms at this point) and scream into his face, “Why didn’t you tell me that in the beginning?”

I completed the rest of my set (with knees on the ground) and eventually finished the video. I was especially good at the water break portion of the program. Please, hold your applause. I decided to hold off on the Ab Ripper X until the next day.

The next morning, I woke up to my blasting alarm. Guess I should turn that off. Wait, why isn’t my arm moving? Holy cow, I’m paralyzed from the waist up! I eventually haul myself out of the bed and use one of my dangling appendages to swat at the alarm clock until it stops beeping. I now have a new name for Mr. Sweet Video Guy, aka Mr. Happy. His new name is “Satan,” and this is how I will refer to him from now on.

Now, the video encourages you to drink lots of water. Really? And how, pray tell, am I supposed to lift a water bottle all the way up to my lips? I asked my hubby if he would pour some water into a bowl so I could just lap it up. He scowled at me and left the room. He doesn’t look at the cat like that, and that’s how our kitty drinks his water. I think that’s discrimination of some sort…I’ll have to check with my lawyer.

I’ve also found that I can’t lift a fork. See, that’s the secret of becoming lean and getting a beachbody. They disable your arms so you can’t eat for days at a time. I actually had to drive to work with my knees.

But I’m not giving up! I can do this! I will let you know how Day 2 with Satan goes. Perhaps my daughter can put the DVD into the player for me, as I’m not sure I can lift a DVD at this point. By the way, since my arms are currently impaired beyond use, I’ve typed this entire blog post with my nose, so please forgive any typos!


  1. Girl...I am sitting at my desk about to fall out laughing at YOU!!! I've got to get myself back into shape by November -- my 40th birthday -- and thanks to you, I WON'T be doing the P90X thing. I'm gonna try some nice eating program.

  2. oh my. I am laughing so hard right now, they are looking at me funny here at work. loved it

  3. Would you people get back to work?
    LOL Just kidding! I'm messing around on the computer too!

  4. Hey opto-mom,
    I did P90X for 6 weeks before my wedding. It never gets better! don't waste your money on a pull up bar you will never use it. Just use the bands and keep moving back. Wait just wait until you get to plyometrics. I almost passed out and threw up like the first three times I did it. Good luck. I have a blog too. I am doing the same thing "getting in shape" we can do it together. I'm not even close to being able to do P90X now. I have to start easier, I'm getting a trainer. my blog is a

  5. I found it much easier when I would wear an adult diaper to workout in. There were just too many exercises that strain you to the max. Better to be prepared, sometimes that last rep turns into a rip!

  6. Thanks for the advice, Clay!

  7. OMG... I am trying not to laugh too loud and wake my husband! I love that you nicknamed him Satan! Any person that tortures another with wicked exercise must be related to the devil. I have seen the commercial for that program and do not have the courage to even try it! Good for you! I am going to start doing push ups before going out to dinner so I won't be able to eat!

  8. Thanks, Me! Or do you prefer "Myself?" hee hee