She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, June 17, 2011

I've Invented The Alcohol/Caffeine/Sugar/Salt Diet!

Does anyone else find themselves tempted to click on every article that touts “the best diet of the year!” or “reduce belly fat with this one simple tip!”?

Then you get to the page showing the “before” and “after” pics. Apparently, these diets and medications cause women to get a tan, have a teeth-whitening procedure, put on some makeup, and brush their goddamn hair.

Because the “before” pictures look like me when I wake up from hibernation in the middle of winter (picture Don King as a grumpy white woman). And the “after” pics look like a gussied-up, over-tanned teenager before prom.
Fixed hair, got some contacts and a spray tan.
All she did was suck in her gut and take her hair out of that ponytail.

She switched out her grandma's shirt for a fitted tee and then photoshopped the pic.
(Look at the difference in the length of her legs.)
She got rid of that horrible 80's hairdo and that snazzy denim blouse.
And the tan...don't forget the tan!
This is a dramatic weight loss and change in skin color.
Also, doesn't the "before" pic look like the chick from "Silence of the Lambs?"
Hey, I can see my goober now!
Anyway, I clicked on one of these links the other day. I knew better, but gosh darn it…it sounded so promising! I mean, it’s the same diet that Jennifer Aniston or some other skinny bitch uses.

Let me clarify. It’s some skinny RICH bitch that either doesn’t have kids or has the money to pay someone to watch her kids while she “trains” and eats her chef-prepared lunch in her sunroom.

Since I’m absolutely positive that this is the diet that is going to make me look like a supermodel, I thought I would share it with my blog family, just because I’m cool like that.

First of all, it says that some weight gain can be attributed to stress, and the top stress-causing culprits are: sugar, caffeine, salt, and alcohol. So avoid these items.

Wait. Seriously? Sugar, caffeine, salt, and alcohol are the only things that keep me from committing murder at least 4 times a day. So, that’s totally gotta be a mis-print. I’m sure they meant to say that you SHOULD NOT avoid these items.

So make sure to ingest lots of sugar, caffeine, salt, and alcohol every day. Here are the rest of your diet suggestions.

Breakfast for the first day: quinoa flakes or steel-cut oats with fresh berries and flax seeds.

Mmmmmmm. Flax seeds. Yummy. Talk about motivation! I don’t know what the hell steel-cut oats are, but it sounds scary, so I’m gonna skip that part. I’ll just eat a bowl of Frankenberry. See? You’ve got your berries, and I’m pretty sure the little marshmallows can be substituted for quinoa.

So my breakfast will include Frankenberry, a Dr. Pepper (for the caffeine), and some bacon (for the salt). What am I forgetting? Oh yeah…the alcohol. I’m thinking a mimosa would be lovely.

Here is the lunch suggestion: Cut out processed carbohydrates, replacing them with whole grains such as brown rice, bulgur, quinoa or millet.


I know what brown rice is, and I like it - when it’s smothered with sesame shrimp. The article didn’t specifically mention the sesame shrimp, but I’m sure it was an inadvertent omission.

But bulgar, quinoa, and millet? Sounds like some Little House On The Prairie shit. They were all pretty skinny on that show - except for that Mr. Edwards. He must not have eaten his millet every day. Anyway, There's no way I’m gonna be able to find all this stuff at Brookshire’s.

Wait! Didn’t we decide quinoa was that stuff in the Frankenberry marshmallows?

Ok, now we’re getting somewhere! So for lunch, I’ll eat Chinese food, marshmallows, and…..and….chips! I’m thinking I saw “bulgar” and “millet” on the ingredient list on a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos one time. And I'll add a bloody Mary for the much-needed alcohol component.

For dinner, it says to make sure to have some protein, vegetables, and lots of water. For the protein, I will have a 14 oz. ribeye. For the vegetables, I will have French fries WITH ketchup (doubling up on the veggies, people. You may worship me!) For the “lots of water” bit, I believe I will have a couple glasses of Jack Daniels and water with extra ice.

Now, I’m quite the overachiever, so I will go one step further and have an entire bottle of wine after dinner. I encourage you to do the same…just go for it if you’re serious about your weight loss, folks!

This may sound like a really weird diet, but, hey! Jennifer Aniston or somebody uses it, and she can’t be bigger than a size 2, so it‘s gotta work, right?

I guess the website just needs a better editor to proofread the diet pages, because there were definitely some mistakes on there. Thank God you people have me here to straighten things out.

I’ll be rocking those skinny jeans in no time! Also, I may have to have a liver transplant.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Rock On, Extremely Drunk Dude!

This past weekend, the husband and I went to a local festival where they were having 3 tribute bands.

For those who don’t know, tribute bands are bands that dress and perform like a famous band. It’s basically for people who are too cheap to go see the real thing. [Pointing discreetly at husband.]

First was an Eagles band, and then an excellent AC/DC band. The final band, Guns 4 Roses started at 10:00 p.m.

Hey, bet you can't guess which band Guns 4 Roses pays homage to.  Hint: It‘s not Aerosmith.

Anyway, by this time, some of the people at the festival were pretty toasted.

And by toasted, I mean drunk as hell, shit-faced, sloshed, plastered, juiced, three sheets to the wind.

And no, this is not an autobiography. Assholes.

The dude who is the focus of this post was all of the above, and probably some I couldn’t think of. I think he may have also been a crackhead, except he wasn’t skinny. Maybe he’s new at being a crackhead, and just hasn’t lost the weight yet. Hmmmmm.

So, after watching the drunk for a while, I thought of you, my bloggy friends, and whipped out my camera. Here is a series of photos, along with a narrative by yours truly (that’s me!).

Let's show some skin and get it started up in this mo-fo!

He's gonna do a trick!  He's gonna do a trick!
Eh, never mind.  He's just gonna hold up that pole for now.
Whoa!  Somebody moved the damn sidewalk!

That's right, buddy.  Drink a little more.  #nothelpful

"Young man, there's no need to feel down
I said young man, pick yourself off the ground."
AC/DC sang that, right?

Drop it like it's HOT!

And for our final picture, I just couldn't resist popping my sweaty head up in there.
Before I go, I would like to say that my favorite vendor at the festival (besides the funnel cake stand, of course) was Black Top Revolution.  Go check them out here.

They had some awesome shirts, rockin' boots, and really cool jewelry.  I totally need some of this stuff to appropriately portray my rock 'n' roll lifestyle, so y'all go buy some gear and make sure to tell them I sent you; and PLEASE stress that they should send me some free shit.

Go, do it now!  Thanks!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I'm Gonna Hunt You Down, Hit-And-Run Driver!

I stopped at Family Dollar last night to get some thread because Miss Smarty Pants has a dance recital this week.

Any veteran dance parent knows that thread will be a necessity at some point in the recital. Other required items include: safety pins, scissors, Tylenol, Valium, Mountain Dew, vodka, and pepper spray for other people's unruly children.

[Note: A stun gun can be substituted for the pepper spray.]

Anywhoodles, I went to the dollar sto’ for some silver thread (which they didn’t have, but kiss my ass, because white is just going to have to work). MSP didn’t want to go inside because she was wearing makeup and had her tap outfit on.

So, being the nice (read: lazy) mom that I am, I let her stay in the car. After all, I’d be in and out in 2 minutes.

It actually turned into 3 minutes because I couldn’t find the thread because it was by the goddamned soup.

Way to make shopping convenient, Family Dollar!

So when I come back out, MSP hops out of the car and tells me that some lady hit my car and drove off.

Another lady who witnessed the cruel ramming of my sweet Honda came up and gave me her phone number and a partial license plate number and a description of the perpetrator.

The witness tried to stop the car-abusing bitch from leaving, but the wench just waved her hand vaguely, and said, “Tell her I live over there, and she can come to my house.”


I know you’re thinking, “No she didun’t!” Well, yes she DID!

Ok, now I’m pissed. There’s really not much damage to my car, just a few scratches, but she should have either waited on me or left me a note.

I probably would have told her not to worry about it. But not now.

Oh noooooo! She done pissed off the Opto-Mom now, so I called the police. They drove around “over there,” which was the general direction that the vehicle-bashing asshat indicated with that vague wave of her scummy hand.

They didn’t have any luck finding her, probably because she lives “over yonder,” which is the exact opposite of “over there,” just in case you’re not familiar with Texas vernacular.

It does give me a small amount of satisfaction that my Honda SUV only has a few scratches, but the witness lady said that Miss Shithead’s SUV looked like it had been smashed with a large hammer.

Oh, sorry.

Artist's representation - Not the actual vehicle of the asshat.

But I’m not giving up. Anyone here in East Texas, be on the lookout for a white Yukon with a smashed back end. The driver was a black female with a pink shirt.*

Make sure to leave me YOUR ideas of an appropriate punishment for Miss Scuzz-Nugget.

I’m coming for ya, Biotch! Be afraid…

*Please note that the perpetrator probably has more shirts, and has most likely changed out of the pink shirt in an effort to avoid my Sherlock-like detection.