She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I'm Gonna Hunt You Down, Hit-And-Run Driver!

I stopped at Family Dollar last night to get some thread because Miss Smarty Pants has a dance recital this week.

Any veteran dance parent knows that thread will be a necessity at some point in the recital. Other required items include: safety pins, scissors, Tylenol, Valium, Mountain Dew, vodka, and pepper spray for other people's unruly children.

[Note: A stun gun can be substituted for the pepper spray.]

Anywhoodles, I went to the dollar sto’ for some silver thread (which they didn’t have, but kiss my ass, because white is just going to have to work). MSP didn’t want to go inside because she was wearing makeup and had her tap outfit on.

So, being the nice (read: lazy) mom that I am, I let her stay in the car. After all, I’d be in and out in 2 minutes.

It actually turned into 3 minutes because I couldn’t find the thread because it was by the goddamned soup.

Way to make shopping convenient, Family Dollar!

So when I come back out, MSP hops out of the car and tells me that some lady hit my car and drove off.

Another lady who witnessed the cruel ramming of my sweet Honda came up and gave me her phone number and a partial license plate number and a description of the perpetrator.

The witness tried to stop the car-abusing bitch from leaving, but the wench just waved her hand vaguely, and said, “Tell her I live over there, and she can come to my house.”


I know you’re thinking, “No she didun’t!” Well, yes she DID!

Ok, now I’m pissed. There’s really not much damage to my car, just a few scratches, but she should have either waited on me or left me a note.

I probably would have told her not to worry about it. But not now.

Oh noooooo! She done pissed off the Opto-Mom now, so I called the police. They drove around “over there,” which was the general direction that the vehicle-bashing asshat indicated with that vague wave of her scummy hand.

They didn’t have any luck finding her, probably because she lives “over yonder,” which is the exact opposite of “over there,” just in case you’re not familiar with Texas vernacular.

It does give me a small amount of satisfaction that my Honda SUV only has a few scratches, but the witness lady said that Miss Shithead’s SUV looked like it had been smashed with a large hammer.

Oh, sorry.

Artist's representation - Not the actual vehicle of the asshat.

But I’m not giving up. Anyone here in East Texas, be on the lookout for a white Yukon with a smashed back end. The driver was a black female with a pink shirt.*

Make sure to leave me YOUR ideas of an appropriate punishment for Miss Scuzz-Nugget.

I’m coming for ya, Biotch! Be afraid…

*Please note that the perpetrator probably has more shirts, and has most likely changed out of the pink shirt in an effort to avoid my Sherlock-like detection.


  1. How many kids do you have total? Give each of them a hammer and tell them they get a quarter for every dent they can make in the asshat's Yukon. At 3 a.m. They get a bonus dollar if they have time to also finger paint the vehicle before someone calls the cops.

  2. Round up a few Colombians and some Mexicans. I'm Colombian and we're good at tracking down and beating up people. Mexicans can take care of the rest.

  3. You just described half of the population of East Texas with that description. lol

  4. omg, I'm on my way to help you find that piece of shit, no good, very bad driver.

  5. Alli - I just have one, but she has massive destructive capabilities And I like the way you think!

    PorkStar - That could be my theme for the mission: "I'm looking for a few good Colombians."

    Oilfield - Ha ha, sorry! That's all I've got for ya!

    Dazee - What a true friend! I'll buy you a margarita or four when you get here!

  6. As a former Texan, I can totally picture that scenario. Here in LaLa land? People still back into my car. Difference is, everybody is so self absorbed that there are never any witnesses. And if there are, they certainly don't care to tell me they saw it happen. I've got some be-atch's read paint on my car as we speak.

  7. oh...i would of had major road rage looking for her arse. Did you report it? I would have been furious. At least the witness told you. Everyone here would have high tailed it the hell out of there so they would have to get involved or there would have been a huge crowd that would have gathered to watch. Either way the description of the perpetrator would have been different from each person...