She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, September 13, 2010

The Princess and the Penis

There’s a lot to learn today, my little critters, so I hope you took your vitamins!
 I was searching e-bay for The Little Mermaid movie for my husband daughter, and as I was looking through the results, I noticed this listing:

      Little Mermaid banned Dildo Cover Art

Hmmmmm.  I kept scrolling, and ran across this:

      Little Mermaid VHS Phallic on Cover

What the….? Shouldn’t that say “Phallus” instead of “Phallic?” Last time I checked (about 5 minutes ago) “phallic” is an adjective. Sorry, my OCD grammatical nitpicking instincts kicked in there for a minute.

Of course, any time I see Disney and dildo together, my interest is immediately piqued. What? You know you would look too.

So I Googled “Little Mermaid penis.”  (I can't believe I've never thought to do that before.) Apparently, there was an alleged penis on the cover of the original Little Mermaid VHS movie. Judge for yourself if you think Ariel is a skank for having a penis castle:

And let’s take a closer look. You know you want to, freaks!

Oooh, sparkly!
Bet this is what Edward Cullen's wanker looks like.
Hey, you over there, stop licking your computer monitor. Yes, sir, I’m talking to you.  Pay attention, now!  Did you notice this?

Ummm, I’ve seen lots of penises (ahem, in medical books, of course…) and they generally have 2 balls attached unless they have an undescended testicle or there has been some sort of unfortunate accident involving a wheat thresher. Huh? Never mind…

In the spirit of thoroughness (because the Opto-Mom is all about accuracy…and penises), I also Googled “one testicle” and came across a health site where you can ask questions and get responses. I couldn’t help but share this little conversation with my readers:

Bitchy Girl: Hello. I would like to find out more about this delicate and pretty weird condition. Just recently I have found out that my boyfriend has only one testicle. You can't imagine how terrified I was when I discover it. It seamed to me like he is some kind of freak, but he told me it is completely normal and that it is like that since he was born. How could this be truth?

One-Balled Dude: i also have one testicle, i am now 15 and did start to worry about it, but after finding out how common it actually was etc it isnt a big deal. although after reading that first post i am dredding meating someone like that

Ok, just a couple of things about this conversation:

1. After observing Bitchy Girl’s question and her attitude, I have come to the conclusion that she is way too immature to be looking at balls. Perhaps her time would be better spent learning to spell and properly using the English language.

2. One-Balled Dude can’t spell either, but he totally rocks because of his use of the word “meating.” He’s ready to “meat” some nice girls. BWAAAHAHAHAHA…You go, boy!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, The Little Mermaid penis situation. After it was brought to Disney’s attention that they had an alleged cock castle on their posters and movie cases, they recalled them and changed the artwork. This made the remaining old copies somewhat of a collector’s item.

On e-bay, most of the copies of The Little Penis-Loving Whore Mermaid were about 99 cents. However, the ones with the dildo on the cover were priced from $14.99 to $79.99! Wow! Who knew that a picture of a giant weiner on a castle would be worth so much. Why don’t they just buy a porno if they want to see some man parts? I guarantee it would be much cheaper than $79.99!

So, my advice to you is to check all of your movies to see if you can make a profit off of some repressed perverts who are too embarrassed to buy porn, but would still like to own some obscure pictures of ding dongs.

On a related note, Ariel being a skank is not the first Disney character scandal.  Here are some others with pictorial evidence:

Mulan is a lesbian.

What??  That is totally NOT photoshopped!
Mowgli was into beastiality.
Bet you'll never think about "The Bear Necessities" the same again.

Snow White was obviously a madam for the Seven Dwarves. Just think about the “Hi Ho, Hi Ho” song…

"Now, whoever turns the most tricks tonight will get an apple tomorrow."
Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) clubbed baby animals.
Aurora, you heartless bitch!
Aladdin was into gay fantasy porn.
"If ya want my body, and you think I'm sexy..."
And Gepetto, that bastard, was a pedophile.
"...and if you tell anyone our little secret, you'll NEVER become a real, live boy!"
FYI, you can usually tell if a person is a pedophile by looking at their glasses. The double bar across the nose is a dead giveaway. Here are some examples:

Ok, honestly, I don't know if these 2 people are actually convicted sex offenders, but they damn well should be with those effin' glasses!

I realize that not everyone is aware of this trend; so, if you are wearing this style of glasses and you are NOT a child molester, buy new glasses immediately or the 4 people who read this blog will think you are. If you wear these glasses and you ARE a child molester, please continue wearing them so we can more easily identify you and beat the shit out of you when we see you.

Well, I have certainly given you a lot to think about. We have discussed penises, dildos, Disney, undescended testicles, pedophiles, glasses, and much more. If you have further questions about any of these subjects feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail.

I think I have included a little something to offend everyone.  If not, let me know, and I'm sure I can come up with something....


  1. OMG!!! You rock!!!!! I laughed so hard I spewed my coffee everywhere! Absolute genius!

  2. When I grow up, I'm going to be just like you. You f-ing crack me up!!!!

  3. Ahahahahahaha!

    Good Lord, I remember when the whole Disney Movies Are Sexual craze was running rampant in the 90's. And I swear that in Aladdin, it DOES say "all good girls take off their clothes." I swear!

    Also, my husband wore those glasses back in the day. He's not a pedophile, but he sure does bear a creepy resemblance to David Koresh. And don't think he hasn't put those glasses on (because he still has them) and whispered to me about Jesus in a creepy voice that makes me want to run screaming from the house and call the Janet Reno.

  4. @ Lindsay - Send me the bill for your monitor
    @ Dazee - If you do that whole "growing up" shit, you'll never be like me. Stay as immature as possible!
    @ Gini - Girl, whatever you do, don't call the Reno!!! I'm pretty sure she wore those glasses too!

  5. I remember the penis fiasco after having my son. I think if I had to draw the covers for all those movies I would sneak in a penis here or a boob there, just for shits and giggles. dad had glasses like that!!!
    I was not molested but I totally laughed out loud after seeing the pics of pedophiles in their snappy specs!

  6. My wife says I have a "pretty" penis. Mine doesn't look like the Disney one...

  7. Disney conspiracies! Nothing is sacred anymore!

  8. You are hilarious and a genius for even think up the fodder for this post. Your mind works in a wonderful way.
    My question though: who is the perv who discovered the Ariel penis castle in the first place? How closely did that guy ('cause you know it was a guy!) look to find the penis?

  9. Lady ....... you crack my ass up on the regular! Disney Dildo - priceless.

  10. Holy shit! I always knew that Ariel was a dirtleg...Im gonna go look through all of Mags old crap...

  11. Too funny. When I was in my early 20s my roommate actually had the vhs cover of The Little Mermaid with the golden phallus on it. I told her to never, ever get rid of it because it would be a collector's item.