She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Things That Get On My Damn Nerves - Automotive Edition

I know you're just all quivering with anticipation to know what gets on my damn nerves this week.  So, for your rant-viewing pleasure, I present the Automotive Edition of Things That Get On My Damn Nerves:

Dumb-ass drivers 

Maybe you’ll say I’m impatient (oh, shut up!), but it really annoys me when there’s two lanes of traffic going in the same direction, and two vehicles stay side-by-side going 40 miles an hour and won’t let anyone else pass. What is the purpose, you jackwagons?

Are you racing to see who is the slowest? Let me tell you, this is Texas. Keep it up, and you’ll be racing to see who will get shot first! Never mix road rage with people who are well-armed.

Honestly, you haven’t seen road rage until you’ve seen a Texas mom trying to get her kid to a baseball game or cheer practice on time and who gets stuck behind a couple of asshats going well below the posted speed limit of 70 (which we all know means you should go 80, right?).

Automatic door locks

Ok, this annoys the piss out of me. You get in the car and start driving, and your doors lock automatically. Why? I’m sure there’s some nanny-state, mamby-pamby, it’s-all-for-your-safety reason for this, but ya know, I just don’t give a rat's ass. I think that if you have the sense to pass a driver’s test, then maybe, just maybe, you possess the intelligence to lock your car doors IF YOU WANT THEM LOCKED. It’s not that friggin’ hard. You just push that little button IF YOU WANT YOUR CAR DOORS LOCKED. In case you didn’t notice, the key here is IF YOU WANT YOUR DOORS LOCKED.

With today’s cars, you can’t even make your own decisions. Too bad, sucka! You’re on lockdown, whether you like it or not. You can unlock them, but a few seconds later you hear that little “click” telling you that car manufacturers think you’re too much of a dumbass to lock your own doors. It’s not like we all live in Englewood or Compton where you are likely to get jacked if your doors are not locked. And what if my car is a piece of shit and I’m praying for some random thug to come take it? Where are our choices? Where does free will fit into this? Oh, the humanity!!!

Yeah, that was a little dramatic…sorry! Sometime I just get aggravated when I need something out of my car and I go flitting out to my carport with no shoes on, and the passenger-side door is locked and I have to walk on the rocks to get to the unlocked driver-side door. (Cue the sad, sad violin music.) It’s also most unhelpful when I pull up to the school to drop off Miss Smarty Pants in the morning and the car helper-person tries to get the door open and the damn thing is locked. Meanwhile, I’m trying to suck down some Dr. Pepper so I can peel my eyelids all the way open while trying to get a good-bye hug and making sure MSP doesn’t forget her lunch or bookbag AND simultaneously trying to unlock the farking door at the same time. It’s enough to drive a sane woman crazy! (Enter your own wiseass remark about my sanity/insanity here.)

Well, I feel marginally better.  Maybe I won't have to shoot anyone today!  See ya next time.....


  1. omg. Love those. but then you already know how I feel about dumbass drivers. I've even decided to devote a post every once in a while to just that.

    and the door lock things. that bugs. especially if you are the passenger and you get the heebie geebies like they are gonna kidnap you.

  2. As long as I don't get "shot"...I'm ok with what you posted.

  3. I can so relate with these. OMG!
    I couldn't have said it better and certainly not any funnier than you did. Great Post!