She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Football edition of Things That Get on My Damn Nerves

Well, folks, it's that time of year again.  It's FOOTBALL SEASON!  I love me some football, but there are a few things that irritate me about the gridiron.  Of course, I'm going to share them with you, you lucky people!

1. Lou Holtz - Whose bright idea was it to hire Lou Holtz as a commentator? Everything he says is all slurred together, and I can’t understand a word he says. He sounds like a shit salesman with a mouth full of samples. For God's sake, Lou, put down the vodka, and see if you can get through a whole monologue without saying the letter “s” or “z,“ mmmm-kay? And you look like you probably smell like cabbage.

2. Ads - Is anyone else tired of the ads at the bottom of the screen while you’re trying to watch a game? You’re checking out the game and all of a sudden an extra dude zips onto the field. I’m yelling for a "12 men on the field" penalty until I realize it’s the freaking Burger King! And on NFL games, you get that little transformer dude popping up on your screen. I have no idea what he has to do with football, but I’m about sick of him.

Can someone please get this sonofabitch off the field?
Like we don't have to deal with pop-ups enough on our we have them interrupting football.  It's sacrilege, I tell you!
3.  Sponsors - This is generally something you see during the college bowl games.  You know what I'm talking about...the Dr. Pepper Halftime Report and the Tostito's End Zone.  Come on!  An end zone is an end zone and doesn't need a friggin' sponsor!  I can't wait until Tampax wants to sponsor the 50-yard-line.  Here is how I imagine the commentary:
"Coming off the bye week, the Tigers should be feeling fresh.  And speaking of fresh, Tampax has a new scented product that will make you feel as fresh as a spring breeze!"
"That offensive line has got to plug those holes.  And speaking of plugging holes....."
"The Lions have yet to get into the flow of the game.  And if you're having flow problems, be sure to check out Tampax's new ultra-absorbent line of tampons."
That's all for now!  So sit back, pop open a beer, eat some chili, and enjoy the commercialism football.


  1. Girl, it's always about the money! Put down your remote, and back slowly away from the television...I'll be in the driveway with the margaritas!

  2. You've seen the SNL commentators bit, right? It hilarious because it's so true.

    Personally, I'm creeped out by the ads along the bottom of the screen too, but usually just the ones that move. Like, out of nowhere, suddenly a car comes flying across the screen being chased by thugs shooting and them and you're all like, "Oh my God, what the hell kind of fuckery is going on" and then it says, "Burger King" and you're all confused.

    It's traumatizing.

  3. I love you. I am going to email this link to my son who is the only one of my kids that likes football. too funny

  4. Oh Opto-mom, how I love thee. I agree with everything you said 100%, which makes you the next smartest bitch I know.

  5. @ Angie - Don't forget the salt!

    @ Gini - crack me up! When they shoot out onto the screen, I'm thinking, "Whoa, that dude is fast! Shit! It's the Frito Bandito! When did he start playing for the Cowboys? Wonder if they could add him to their secondary?"

    @Dazee - I just love you too, girlie! And greetings to Dazee Junior! Welcome to the funny farm!

    @p0ptart - Darling, I loveth thee, as well! And what a coincidence, I've always wanted to be the next smartest bitch you know.

  6. I'm a new follower - Please follow me back. For every follower that joins I will be releasing a Unicorn back into the wilds of the New Jersey boardwalk. So please do your part by joining and saving these special creatures. Thanks
    Thanks, Mr. Monkey

  7. I don't know anything about football. I don't get it.

  8. Lou Holtz is my relative by marriage. My cousin married his son. :) It's ok, I don't care, I haven't met him. In fact, I've never met her. My great-grandma loved the penis and had 16 kids (14 girls) and most of them married into different last names. Therefore whenever I have dated someone in the past, I have to ask them some questions regarding their family tree.

    I agree with you about the sponsors. It makes the game seem scripted therefore fixed.