She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, April 29, 2011

My Post about Slutty Fruit

In my last post, I discussed my shopping trip with a Charles Manson twist. One of the more mundane things I bought was some ladies’ shaving gel. Well, I thought it was mundane, but now it's inspired a whole blog post.

To pick out shaving gel, I usually just smell them all and pick out the one that makes my nose happy. I didn’t even look at the name of the one I just bought until I got home and shaved my legs. Then I noticed that the scent was called “Flirty Mango.”

Flirty. Mango.

What the fark? Men don’t have to deal with this shit! Their choices are original and…well, original.

Mango-scented, I can understand. But why does the damn mango have to be flirty?

I keep imagining this:
Or Joey from Friends as a flirty mango:
How about Mango Madonna:
The fabulous Sean Connery Mango:
The romantic and flirty Pepe LePew Mango:
Leonardo DiCaprio Mango:
Can't forget Mango Sheen:
And finally, MangObama:

I also researched some of the other shaving cream scents:

Alluring Avocado - The flirty mango's slutty cousin.

Strawberry Kiwi - I can’t figure out why so many marketing folks are obsessed with frigging kiwi. Kiwis look like monkey balls (trust me….and don‘t ask).

Raspberry Rain - The scent formerly known as Purple Rain. Or Raspberry Beret. Whichever, I’m feeling a strong Prince influence in the shaving cream aisle.

Now, it's not just scents. I was looking online for some t-shirts, and decided to share the variety of colors with you. 

You're welcome!

I remember when fuschia became the color of choice in the 80’s. (I may or may not have had a fuschia prom dress.) We dealt pretty well with fuschia, and we even accepted teal and mauve into the mainstream, but today’s descriptions left me baffled.

Camel - I’m praying that this describes the color and not the smell.

Sage - I don't really want my shirt named after an obscure spice. Who the fuck uses sage, anyway?

Rose - Again, is this the color or the smell? Guess it’s better than “Camel.”

Foliage - I just have no words to describe how stupid this one is. It’s GREEN, people! Just say, “GREEN!”

Hollyhock - Is it red? Is it green? Nope….it’s purple! WTF?

Electric Lime - It can’t just be lime green. Oh, noooooo! It’s gotta be friggin’ electric!

French Navy - Do the French even have a navy?

Sun - I had a shirt like this once. We called it, “Yellow.”

Snow - Pretty sure that’s white, unless you count yellow snow, but then they probably would have called it “Sun Snow.”

Coffee - I’m just waiting for Starbucks to start naming shirt colors. “I need a large v-neck in dark mocha cinnamon crema frappa-latte, please. And a biscotti.”

Delph blue - I’m not sure what the hell a “delph” is, but the shirt was pretty.

Green Palm - As opposed to the orange palm…

Tamale - Also available in “Enchilada.”

Eggplant - Doesn’t even SOUND attractive.

Lino - It was plain ole gray, but lino sounds much fancier!

Kiwi - Again with the damn kiwi!

Fresh Raspberry - Ladies, if you want to confuse the shit outta your husband, ask him to bring you your “fresh raspberry shirt” from your closet.

So, there is my consumer report for the day.  Now I have to go use my Flirty Mango shaving gel, put on my Tamale-hued shirt and my Cappucino-colored shoes, get in my Ebony car, and take my ass to Dallas for the weekend.

Someone, please put the city on alert.


  1. Mine has no scent. But it is not normal, it is the sensitive skin kind.

  2. You're brilliant! Those mangos with faces were hilarious. Is it wrong though that I was strangely attracted to Mango Joey?

  3. So true! Why do guys just have original and ... original? While we are faced with a freakin' fruit salad of choices?

    I love your mango-people... hilarious and soooo creative!

    And the colors... killin' me :)

  4. The thing is for a man, just one scent is almost too confusing to decide about. Who wants to go around smelling like a mango? Your right about kiwi...

  5. If there was a bacon flavored gel it might cause my dogs to lick my legs, yuck.

  6. XD! You're wonderful!
    Who the heck decided that women should smell like fruit?! Mrs. Tuna, I would looove bacon smelling shaving gel; warm shower + smell of bacon = awesome!
    And yeah, I don't understand the obsession with Kiwi either.

  7. Oilfield - I'm glad you're admitting that you're not normal!

    Sandra - Who wouldn't be attracted to Mango Joey? All that sweet juicy flesh....

    XLMIC - One day sexy Mango People will take over the earth!

    Greg - Would you rather smell like a papaya?

    Tuna - Bacon flavored gel might cause ME to lick your legs. Love me some bacon!

    Ashes - Thanks! I shall also blog in the future about marketing people's newest obsession: chipotle!