She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Shopping With Charles Manson

I went shopping the other day to get a few household items and an Easter dress for my daughter. (That’s ONE, 1, UNO it?)

So, of course, I ended up with 3 dresses for her - they were on sale - DON’T judge me!
While I was at JCPenney‘s, I decided that I needed some new undies. I’m just minding my own bidness in the underbritches section, when I saw this.

Omigawd! Is anyone’s ass actually that small? How do you even take a poop when your backside is not much larger than a friggin’ peanut? Here is another picture for some perspective.

That’s a quarter beside the teeny tiny drawers. If we stay with this analogy, my undies could pay down the national deficit.

Even though I felt like a fatass after seeing these miniscule ass covers, I picked out some new undergarments (also on sale - woooohoooo for me!) and headed to The Wal-Mart for my household items.

After my last trip to The Wal-Mart (click here to read about the cashier and her coochie), I know you’re probably surprised that I would go back.

Alas, I am known in this land as BraveLiver (BraveHeart was already taken…), so I stoically entered the store of doom and began my shopping. They were out of my deodorant (assholes), so I moseyed on over to the shoe section to find Miss Smarty Pants some Easter shoes.

[Side note: I was going to buy her some shoes at Penney’s, but they were all, like $50, and her feet grow about eleventy inches a week, so I’m being a cheapskate on these shoes she will only wear once a week for about an hour. Also, she is only 9 years old, but wears a size 10 in ladies shoes, and all of the shoes in that size at Penney’s looked like stripper shoes.]

[Side note #2: Good Lord, does anyone know how to make my kid’s foot stop growing?!?!?  Or does anyone know when Shaquille O‘Neal is having a garage sale?  And does he have a penchant for sparkly open-toe sandals and flip-flops?  Probably NOT???  Well, shit!]

Apparently, Wal-Mart has hired Charles Manson to organize their shoe section.

This is helter skelter right here people!
Speaking of Charley-Boy, I would like to take this opportunity to thank him for his recent thoughts on global warming. I have to admit that I was originally skeptical, but after his expert commentary, I am SOLD!

It sure is nice of those prison officials to let Mr. Helter Skelter out to do hands-on research on global warming. I didn't even know he was a scientist!  Now, let’s let him work on the deficit.  I’ll donate my underwear……


  1. Those drawers are larger than the shorts that they are selling in the Junior department - you have that to look forward to!

  2. I could never understand why we need Easter clothes anyway. Do you think Jesus gives a shit about pastels?

  3. Pretty sure those underwear wouldn't even come up over my left thigh. What the hell?

    And I have to agree with Laughingmom. I am SO grateful for boys. My hardest decisions is whether or not I want a $50 one centimeter horse sewn on my kid's shirts or if the $10 one from Old Navy will suffice. Or, the preteen boy's hardest choice: skulls or guitars.