She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Cashier At Wal-Mart Tells Me About Her Coochie

Oh, how I love going to The Wal-Mart, even though it’s a prime location to catch the swine flu and other communicable diseases. Sometimes I go in there and actually touch a cesspool of germs shopping cart without wearing a hazmat suit.

I’m a risk-taker, people. A rebel. I walk on the wild side. I’m kinda like Charlie Sheen with my Adonis blood. Winning!
I was at our local Wally-World Friday night, and had made it through my shopping without contracting the Ebola virus, so I was pretty pumped. Then I got to the cashier…

[Bom bom BOMMMMM]

That was supposed to be an ominous soundbite there. Did ya get that?  I considered using the theme from Jaws, but I didn't know how to spell that music.

Anyway, the cashier (Mesha) was a young lady, probably in her early 20’s.

As she was ringing up my purchases, she began chatting with me. She told me she really wanted to go out with her friend after work, but her boyfriend was coming to pick her up. I was nodding politely and sympathetically.

I should totally be a therapist, or something, and get paid for this shit, because people are always telling me their personal business.

Pay attention now…this is where it gets really good.

Me: Maybe you can just text your boyfriend and tell him you’ll see him tomorrow.

Mesha: I don’t really want to see him tomorrow either.

Me (sensing drama): Really? Are you mad at him?

Mesha: Yeah, he gonna want to have sex, and I don’t want to.

Me: …………oh.

Mesha: Yeah, I done tole him I was on my period last week, so I can’t use that excuse this week, too.

Me: ………uhhh, no, I guess that wouldn’t work this week.

Mesha: Yesterday I tole him I had some weird shit coming out my coochie, so he backed off.

Me: ……… {trying to fake a polite smile, but probably just looking constipated} …….

At this point, I’m thinking that if she had weird coochie stuff yesterday, then the boyfriend probably isn’t going to want to get near said coochie today, right? Ah, contraire…. Casanova had other plans. Read on!

Mesha: He said we can just do it in the butt tonight.

Me: …… {mouth hanging open, not even trying to look polite now} …..

Mesha: Last time we did that, I tole him it hurt, ‘cuz his dick was too big to fit in my bootyhole.

Me: ….{OmigodOmigodWhyIsSheTellingMeThis?}

Mesha: Then he tole me I was boring! While we was still doing it! Can you believe he said that?

Me: {finding my voice} Honey, you are the least boring person I’ve met in a while.

Mesha: So I just been doing it with my friend, and girl, he appreciates every second of what I got.

Me: Awwww, that’s…ummm…sweet.

Mesha: Yeah, but about my boyfriend, I think I’m gonna dump that zero. It’s just hard because he’s got a nice car.

Me: Well, you have to go with the person you like best, and not the car you like best.

Mesha: Hey, that makes sense. Damn, you smart!

Me: Oh, ummmm, thanks and good luck with…like…all of that…you know…stuff.

So I left feeling brilliant and just a little dirty after that whole conversation WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER!

You can’t get herpes from talking about sex with a Wal-Mart cashier, can you?  I shoulda bought more hand sanitizer....and Lysol...and Valtrex.


  1. WOW! I peed myself laughing. You have skills if you can get complete strangers to tell you stuff like that, Or you are very unlucky. I guess it just depends on how you look at it

  2. I don't know how you got through that conversation! I was thinking about going to WallyWorld this a.m. but I just changed my mind!

  3. Wow you just topped any trip to Walmart that I have ever had.

  4. @Kay - ty

    @Amby - You peed yourself? Perhaps this would be a good time for you to go to Wal-Mart. You would fit right in, Miss Pissy Britches!

    @laughing - Go ahead, you might learn something! If not, then maybe you will get some good blog ideas.

    @Oilfield - You obviously need to start going to Wal-Mart with me. It's like an adventure!

  5. You mean she didn't hike up her leg and show you her vagina right there??? Maybe that will happen the next time you're in her checkout line. Enjoy!

  6. Ted, maybe she felt that she didn't know me well enough. She will probably show me next time. Yippee?

  7. omg.omg.omg. I can't stop laughing. I knew we were soul sisters. People tell me all their crap too. But I have to admit, nothing as good as this. You win.

  8. My first thought was "Good heavens, that sounds like Texas!"

    And then I read your profile.

    Gotta love Texas.

    Thanks for the comment on mine, by the way.

  9. Great googly moogly!! That is by FAR the best fucking wally-world story to date! I avoid wally world like the plague, but every now and then I HAVE to make a trip there...and when I pull into the parking lot (which is one of the things about the damned place that drives me the NUTSEST), I get this frightened feeling in the pit of my stomach over what might occur once I get IN the store. I always leave there pissed off swearing I'll never go again.

  10. @Dazee - What do I win, my soul sistah? Please tell me it's not a Wal-Mart gift card.

    @Rabbit - Very astute reasoning, my dear Watson!

    @Reckmonster - Admit it though. While you are getting that frightened feeling in the pit of your stomach, there's also a little bit of anticipation that maybe, just maybe, someone will discuss their vagina and butthole with you.

  11. This is why I NEVER shop at Wal-Mart!!! LMAO!!

  12. OMG! That is frickin hilarious! And i thought people told ME weird stuff... honey, you get the trophy!

  13. Believe it or not years and years ago when I worked at Walmart PART of our cashier training was NOT to talk about personal things with customers. LMAO

    People tell me personal stuff ALL the time too. That is part of why I am in college to be a psychologist....least this way I can get paid for it.

  14. all i can say is OMG that is Hilarious and weird all at the same time