She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Newsflash About Teeth...And Strippers...And Guns...

It’s time for another edition of Opto-Mom’s Newsflash.  Today's topic is teeth, but it also involves, strippers...and guns...and marijuana.  Oh hell, just read it already!

If you haven’t read my previous Newsflash posts, you should check them out. After all, I want you all to be well-informed readers. If you enjoy reading about sexy goats, golfing transvestites, and healthy dwarves, then read this one. If you like discussions of orgasms and crazy cookie bitches, check out this one. If you appreciate the ability of people to hide items in their rectums, then this is the post for you.


A man in Indianapolis was minding his own business at a strip club when he received the surprise of a lifetime.  And I don't mean a free lap dance...or herpes. 

Jake Quagliaroli was sitting about 20 feet from the stage when an apparently very aerodynamic stripper shoe struck him in the face, chipping several of his teeth.
Pictorial representation of the event.

So, did he meekly drive home and make up an excuse to his wife about getting his teeth knocked out while saving a group of orphans from a roving band of ninjas?  Of course not!

Mr. Quagliaroli did what any modern red-blooded American man would do:  he sued the strip club for "lifelong dental injuries."

Yeah, because it's totally unreasonable to expect clothing items to be flying off the stage at a strip club.  I have a friend who almost had an eye put out by a rogue rhinestone flying off some hunk's junk at Chippendale's.  But did I she sue?  Of course not!

Why are you looking at me?  My eye is just red because I poked it with the mascara brush.  Really!

Seriously, I don't know if he's married or not.  If he's not, can you imagine the family of his future bride googling his name to check him out?  BUSTED!

Shoulda gone with the ninja story, Jake!


Waltdell and Walter Davis are brothers from New Orleans.  Waltdell found out that his brother had smoked some of his pot.  Well, that just made Waltdell madder than a cannibal at an anorexia camp.

Who wants to bet me that their daddy's name contains some version of "Walt" and that they have a brother named "Waltrick?"

Anyway, regarding the pot stealing, Waltdell said, "Ah HELL naw, mo-fo!" and shot Walter in the face with a .22 revolver.  Fortunately for Walter, the bullet bounced off of his gold tooth, sparing his life. 

[Side note: I'm thinking that maybe Strip Club Jake from the first story should have been wearing some gold teeth.  Can I get an AMEN?]

So, all you punk ass bitches hatin' on Flava Flav, better step off.  Now we know he wears that bulletproof grill for safety, and not because he's a ghetto freak.  It doesn't explain the giant clock or other weird shit that he wears, but I'm sure there's some reasonable explanation for them. 

Uh huh.  'Cause nothing says "reasonable individual" like these pictures:

Flava Flav - A genius among men?
And here's a shocker...Waltdell was on probation.  [Gasp!]  So, he was arrested for probation violation, admitted to shooting his brother, and was promptly charged with aggravated battery and possession of a firearm by a felon.

I think he should have also been charged with being an anti-dentite.  Just sayin'...

Well, folks.  That wraps it up for another edition of Newsflash.  I hope you've learned something, or at least had some fun.


  1. lol'd at shooting his brother

  2. Mr. Quagliaroli should probably be grateful a couple of chipped teeth is all he picked up at the strip club. Shudder.

    Oh, Flava Flav. How I love that gross ass, pot smoking, giant clock wearing clown.

  3. haha. Waltdell. I have never even heard of a name like that.

    Love this post. I needed a good laugh today.

  4. Oilfield - Thanks, oh trashy one!

    Hwidman - Well, you know pot is thicker than blood...ummm...or something.

    Gini - I don't see what women see in him sexually. He looks really crusty to me.

    Dazee - It's kinda like George Foreman naming all of his sons "George." His daughter actually lived in my hometown and went to my high school (after I had already graduated, 'cause I'm old), and her name was "Georgetta." No shit! Really sweet girl, though. She babysat my little sister once.

  5. I ordered a fish dinner at a strip club once, sat right up in front, too. But you know what? I didnt find a single pubic hair in my food. Won't be going back to that place.

  6. I think that there needs to be more Strip Club related injuries and lawsuits.

    "Man sues strip club for causing rogue boner and painful blue balls."

  7. Hunk's junk and anti-dentite...the best words in the English language!
    Great post!

  8. Ted - You should have ordered a foot long corn dog. It makes the ladies dance faster.

    Kev - I wonder if any has ever sued over strip club related diseases?

    Sandra - I have a stellar vocabulary, if I do say so myself...

  9. I love this! I the guys should wear helmuts and face masks at strip clubs - much safer!