She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Newsflash About Assholes (Literally)

Assholes. I knew putting that in the title would make you look!

I love you, my readers, but you’re really a bunch of weirdos, okay? Some of my most popular posts have titles about coochies, penises, pubic hair, orgasms, and nudity. I think I’ve found my niche.

If you haven’t read my previous 2 Newsflash posts, you should check them out. After all, I want you all to be well-informed readers. If you enjoy reading about sexy goats, golfing transvestites, and healthy dwarves, then read this one.  If you like discussions of orgasms and crazy cookie bitches, check out this one.

So, this week's Newsflash involves all things asshole. No, I’m not talking about people who act in a foolish and uncouth manner. I’m actually talking about the rectal/anal area of the body; specifically, odd items being placed up in there.

In Florida, a man was arrested for possession and DUI. During a strip search, dollar bills started falling out of his booty hole. There was a total of $45 stuffed in his manhole.

Dude, you got change for a $10?

This is why my mother always told me not to put money in my mouth because it is dirty. However, she also often said, "I can't just pull money out of my ass!"  Ya win some, ya lose some, Mom.

In South Carolina, police responded to an attempted burglary call and found Noah Smith naked in the home. When they tried to remove him, he slapped and attacked the deputies.
I did a search for "naked man fighting," and found this awesome pic.  Also lots of gay porn...
The man was allegedly under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms (thanks, Olive Garden!) and was taken to the hospital.  While there, an x-ray revealed that he had a mouse in his rectum.

A. MOUSE. IN. HIS. RECTUM.  Haven't people learned ANYTHING from the whole Richard Gere fiasco? 

I is bringing my teddy bear, cuz I scared of dark places.
 So, Mister Mouse-Stuffer was charged with ASSault and battery, resisting arrest, and indecent exposure.  Ummmmm, what about animal cruelty?

A Florida man was in jail when officials noticed part of a condom hanging out of his rectum.  Some lucky individual removed the condom and found 30 items concealed in it.

On a related note, I just offered up a prayer of thanks that I'm not a rectum searcher for the police in Florida.

Some of the items included a cigarette (Hey, can I bum a smoke?), a flint, 17 pills, an unused condom, 6 matches, an empty syringe, lip balm (This is why you don't share Chap-Stick, people!), a pharmacy receipt, and a coupon (Wait, wait...I think I have a coupon for that cereal....let me just....try to reach it....).

Somebody needs to start carrying a European man-bag.

Well, that wraps it up for another edition of Newsflash.  Try not to get caught with anything up your ass until next week!


  1. The can I bum a smoke part was fucking hilarious. Oh my.

  2. I would read this, but your pictures are so effing disturbing I feel the need to go soak my brain thoroughly in vodka.

    Also, drove down Southwest Parkway this weekend. Thought of you. Creepy or awesome?

  3. ... Oh wow... it makes me wonder what the airport nazi-er- I mean security finds when they do their searches. Then again... I don't think I REALLY want to know.
    Thanks for a good laugh.

  4. Important unanswered question from all mothers : were they wearing clean underwear? (well except for naked fighting man - maybe his undies were in the wash...)

  5. I simply do NOT understand some people's propensity to one's anal cavity as a "storage locker." That is just unnatural. Not to mention, it's gotta be HELLA uncomfortable (but wait...obviously, the folks who are doing that kind of shit aren't right in the first maybe it's not "uncomfortable" for them and they like it...). Seriously, I've heard of folks stashing stuff in their socks - you know - the extra cash, the house key, maybe even a credit card...but YOUR BUM?!!!! I'd never even thought of it as a place to "store" stuff - and I'm guilty of sticking stuff in my bra in dire moments when I've found myself without pockets. Here is a PSA: PEOPLE - Your butt is not a pocket!!! GAH!!!

  6. I love you. No really, I want to be you when I grow up. Thanks for all the newsflash items. I can go to sleep tonight not feeling all bummed out. :)

  7. That is one funny pic of teddy bear mouse, and the caption made it gold. On the other hand, it tightens my colon just thinking about it.

  8. In the naked guy's case - I guess if you can't afford clothing you don't have many choices for pockets..... ha ha ha. I am reminiscing on your story of the obese lady's who used their fat folds to shoplift and wondering if any of these people have ever shoplifted with their rectums. People have been putting things in their rectums for years LOL to shoplift with it - that would take it to a whole new level of entertaining. LOL

    Anyways - funny spin on it! :) People do strange things. That will keep me in business after graduation :)

  9. Oilfield - It's a gift, really.

    Gini - I had to do that after my Wal-Mart trip with the dirty-talking cashier last week. And it's awesome you thought of me...that's why I planted that little seed in your subconscious...muahahahaha!

    Ashes - Yes, it almost makes you feel sorry for them while they're groping your ass.

    Laughingmom - Good point, but somehow, I don't think that cleanliness is a priority for these dudes.

    Reckmonster - Thanks for the idea. Now I know where to stash my spare house key...

    Dazee - {blushing}

    Ted - Don't tighten! You'll hurt the little dude!

    Kimber - My dear, you are a wealth of information regarding anal shoplifting. I guess you wouldn't call that a 5-finger discount, right? Or would you.....