Newsflash About Assholes (Literally)

Assholes. I knew putting that in the title would make you look!


I love you, my readers, but you’re really a bunch of weirdos, okay? Some of my most popular posts have titles about coochies, penises, pubic hair, orgasms, and nudity. I think I’ve found my niche.


If you haven’t read my previous 2 Newsflash posts, you should check them out. After all, I want you all to be well-informed readers. If you enjoy reading about sexy goats, golfing transvestites, and healthy dwarves, then read this one.  If you like discussions of orgasms and crazy cookie bitches, check out this one.


So, this week's Newsflash involves all things asshole. No, I’m not talking about people who act in a foolish and uncouth manner. I’m actually talking about the rectal/anal area of the body; specifically, odd items being placed up in there.

HE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' WALLET

In Florida, a man was arrested for possession and DUI. During a strip search, dollar bills started falling out of his booty hole. There was a total of $45 stuffed in his manhole.

Dude, you got change for a $10?

This is why my mother always told me not to put money in my mouth because it is dirty. However, she also often said, "I can't just pull money out of my ass!"  Ya win some, ya lose some, Mom.

BE AFRAID, MICKEY MOUSE.  BE VERY AFRAID!

In South Carolina, police responded to an attempted burglary call and found Noah Smith naked in the home. When they tried to remove him, he slapped and attacked the deputies.

I did a search for "naked man fighting," and found this awesome pic.  Also lots of gay porn...

The man was allegedly under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms (thanks, Olive Garden!) and was taken to the hospital.  While there, an x-ray revealed that he had a mouse in his rectum.

A. MOUSE. IN. HIS. RECTUM.  Haven't people learned ANYTHING from the whole Richard Gere fiasco? 


I is bringing my teddy bear, cuz I scared of dark places.

 So, Mister Mouse-Stuffer was charged with ASSault and battery, resisting arrest, and indecent exposure.  Ummmmm, what about animal cruelty?

HOW MUCH JUNK CAN YOU STUFF IN YOUR TRUNK?

A Florida man was in jail when officials noticed part of a condom hanging out of his rectum.  Some lucky individual removed the condom and found 30 items concealed in it.

On a related note, I just offered up a prayer of thanks that I'm not a rectum searcher for the police in Florida.

Some of the items included a cigarette (Hey, can I bum a smoke?), a flint, 17 pills, an unused condom, 6 matches, an empty syringe, lip balm (This is why you don't share Chap-Stick, people!), a pharmacy receipt, and a coupon (Wait, wait...I think I have a coupon for that cereal....let me just....try to reach it....).

Somebody needs to start carrying a European man-bag.

Well, that wraps it up for another edition of Newsflash.  Try not to get caught with anything up your ass until next week!