Newsflash About Assholes (Literally)

Assholes. I knew putting that in the title would make you look!


I love you, my readers, but you’re really a bunch of weirdos, okay? Some of my most popular posts have titles about coochies, penises, pubic hair, orgasms, and nudity. I think I’ve found my niche.


If you haven’t read my previous 2 Newsflash posts, you should check them out. After all, I want you all to be well-informed readers. If you enjoy reading about sexy goats, golfing transvestites, and healthy dwarves, then read this one.  If you like discussions of orgasms and crazy cookie bitches, check out this one.


So, this week's Newsflash involves all things asshole. No, I’m not talking about people who act in a foolish and uncouth manner. I’m actually talking about the rectal/anal area of the body; specifically, odd items being placed up in there.

HE DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' WALLET

In Florida, a man was arrested for possession and DUI. During a strip search, dollar bills started falling out of his booty hole. There was a total of $45 stuffed in his manhole.

Dude, you got change for a $10?

This is why my mother always told me not to put money in my mouth because it is dirty. However, she also often said, "I can't just pull money out of my ass!"  Ya win some, ya lose some, Mom.

BE AFRAID, MICKEY MOUSE.  BE VERY AFRAID!

In South Carolina, police responded to an attempted burglary call and found Noah Smith naked in the home. When they tried to remove him, he slapped and attacked the deputies.

I did a search for "naked man fighting," and found this awesome pic.  Also lots of gay porn...

The man was allegedly under the influence of hallucinogenic mushrooms (thanks, Olive Garden!) and was taken to the hospital.  While there, an x-ray revealed that he had a mouse in his rectum.

A. MOUSE. IN. HIS. RECTUM.  Haven't people learned ANYTHING from the whole Richard Gere fiasco? 


I is bringing my teddy bear, cuz I scared of dark places.

 So, Mister Mouse-Stuffer was charged with ASSault and battery, resisting arrest, and indecent exposure.  Ummmmm, what about animal cruelty?

HOW MUCH JUNK CAN YOU STUFF IN YOUR TRUNK?

A Florida man was in jail when officials noticed part of a condom hanging out of his rectum.  Some lucky individual removed the condom and found 30 items concealed in it.

On a related note, I just offered up a prayer of thanks that I'm not a rectum searcher for the police in Florida.

Some of the items included a cigarette (Hey, can I bum a smoke?), a flint, 17 pills, an unused condom, 6 matches, an empty syringe, lip balm (This is why you don't share Chap-Stick, people!), a pharmacy receipt, and a coupon (Wait, wait...I think I have a coupon for that cereal....let me just....try to reach it....).

Somebody needs to start carrying a European man-bag.

Well, that wraps it up for another edition of Newsflash.  Try not to get caught with anything up your ass until next week!

Imaginary friends

Who wants to talk about imaginary friends? No one? Well, this is my blog, so that’s what we’re talking about today. Trust me, it will be fun! (Famous last words….)

I had what my parents called an “imaginary friend” when I was a kid. They loved to tell people how cute it was that I was so imaginative and had an imaginary frog named Frog Dorgan. For those that don’t know, that was my maiden name. Well, Dorgan was my maiden name, not Frog. But I digress.

So my parents thought it was just precious that I carried Frog Dorgan around in a little wooden box. What I TRIED to tell them, but they couldn’t comprehend was that I had actually caught a little tiny frog and kept him in that box. Of course, the little dude died shortly after, so I buried him in the back yard. But when my parents looked in the box it was empty, so of course they assumed I was creative and using my imagination. Well, they were wrong. But it made them so proud, so I carried on with the whole “imaginary” Frog Dorgan charade.

Fast forward about 27 years, and now I have a daughter (Miss Smarty Pants, aka MSP for those of you who are regular readers here). When she was about 2 MSP decided that she had an imaginary friend named Jerry. Now Jerry, as it turned out, was a mouse. (What is it with my family and the tiny, gross animals?)

Jerry got blamed for all manner of problems and accidents at our house. “Someone” threw a roll of toilet paper in the toilet. Guess who MSP blamed……you got it! It was Jerry! Then “someone” dumped an entire bag of Cheeze Puffs on the carpet and stomped on them. Yeah, that was Jerry as well. And you’ll never believe who dumped an entire bottle of shampoo (the expensive kind!) out in the bathtub. It was that damn Jerry again!!!

Apparently, I am very glad that MSP has outgrown the whole Jerry phase, but there are some things I miss about the little imaginary guy. For one thing, my daughter knew Jerry’s birthday (October 10th, for those of you who are curious). The week before the fictional birthday, my daughter reminded me that Jerry’s birthday was next week. Then she reminded me when it was only 3 days away, and then when it was the next day. Man, she was really keeping up with this! So I decided to play along.

I went down to the bakery and picked out a little round cake, and had them write “Happy Birthday Jerry” on it. Well, as I’m leaving the store, I see a gentleman that I know from a radio program that I was a part of. He sees the cake, and says, “Oh, is it your husband’s birthday?” I realize that he’s mistakenly assumed that my husband was Jerry, and I was getting a cake for his birthday. So I replied, “Uhhhhh, sure.” He told me to tell my husband “Happy Birthday,” and I again replied, “Uhhhhh, sure.” I’m a whiz at dialogue, in case you haven’t noticed. I guess that was easier than explaining about the whole imaginary mouse scenario. Perhaps I was a tiny bit embarrassed to be having a party for my daughter’s fictional vermin. But to this day, the gentleman from the bakery still thinks my husband’s name is Jerry.

The party went very well. Of course, we also served little blocks of cheese with the cake for the guest of honor. You may think that I am some sort of awesome parent for taking the time to encourage my daughter’s creative behavior. However, the truth is, I was really just craving cake that day. Sorry to disappoint you again, fine readers!

Now I did a little research to make sure this whole imaginary friend thing was normal, and that my kid wasn’t going to grow up to be a serial killer or something. Turns out that children that do this are thought to be superior in intelligence, language skills, and knowledge retention. Makes me wish Frog Dorgan had been a "real" imaginary friend. But for my daughter's sake, I was totally bursting with pride when I read that….and then I had to go clean Cheeze Puffs out of the carpet.