She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Cheesiest Sex Post EVER!

Remember back when you first got married (or moved in together, for you heathens living in sin)? Remember all of the sexy times you had?
In the bed.
Under the bed.
In the shower.
On the kitchen counter (followed by lots of bleach).
On the couch.
In the closet.
On top of the refrigerator.
In the refrigerator. Oh, wait that was Jeffrey Dahmer.

[Side note: I was watching the movie Dahmer this past weekend, and my daughter (who was supposed to be in bed) kept coming in the room. I kept pausing the movie and telling her to get to bed. “But why do I have to go to bed? It’s not a school night,” she whined. I replied with, “Because I’m trying to watch these guys get ass-raped, and that’s totally not appropriate for children.” If you have any awards for Excellence in Parenting, please e-mail me.]

Anyway, after you’ve been married for a while, you may notice the frequency and excitement begins to recede.

In fact, married sex becomes kind of like joining the National Guard. You perform your duties one weekend a month and two weeks a year.

(cricket, cricket)

Following this astute analogy, here are some other ways that married sex is like National Guard service:

1. There’s generally a lot of sweating and grunting going on.

2. You will get to hang out with some privates.

3. No one gives a rat’s ass if you have a headache. Just perform your duties, soldier!

4. You may run the risk of serious injury if you don’t do some calisthenics before proceeding.

5. Extra laundry to do afterward.

6. You may be told to “Drop and give me 20!”

7. There is generally some “shooting” involved (if you’re doing it right).

8. You will probably notice some soreness after your service weekend.

9. You may experience a frontal assault.

10. Insert your own “booby trap” joke here.

If we were talking about the Navy, I could have discussed “seamen” and going to the “head,” but alas…it is not to be this time, dear readers.

I hope this post makes you feel very patriotic, so go forth and perform your duties, my friends! God bless America!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

My Totally Realistic New Year's Resolutions

At the beginning of every year, most folks come up with a list of crappy resolutions that they usually blow by the end of January. People, you are obviously setting your sights too high!

If you haven’t exercised once in the past 12 years, you are NOT all of a sudden going to start doing a six hour workout EVERY day so that you will look like Sylvester Stallone by mid-February.

Did you see what Rocky had to go through to look so buff in the one where he fought the big Russian? Sorry, but your new Ab Lounger is not going to bring you the same results as doing free-fall sit-ups off a hay loft or pulling four tons of wood around through 20 feet of snow.

I'll wager that the Ab Lounger will be communing with the dust bunnies under your bed by March.

If you weigh 300 pounds, you are not going to get down to 150 this year unless some type of surgical intervention is involved. Or unless the bottom half of your body is severed in a tragic tractor accident.

If you’ve smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day since you were 12, chewing a piece of shitty-tasting gum a few times a day is not going to kick your habit, though I admire your ambition.

We have got to learn to make more reasonable and attainable resolutions. Set some goals you might actually have a chance of keeping.

Just face it. None of us are going to play in the U.S. Open or learn to speak fluent Chinese.

Okay, don’t get all pissy because I’m a Negative Nelly. I’m here to help by presenting you with my New Year’s Resolutions for 2011. Use these as a guide to customize your own list.

1. Most people set a goal to lose weight in the new year. I, however, plan to gain at least 100 pounds so I can wear some gold stretch pants, a net shirt with no bra, platform heels, and a pimp hat to Wal-Mart and end up on the “People of Wal-Mart” website by the end of 2011. See? This goal is attainable; plus, I will have the privilege of being on the most awesome website in the U.S. (well, besides my blog, of course).

2. My second resolution is to not get arrested for public nudity. Seeing as how I shower in the dark to avoid catching sight of my naked self in the mirror, it’s highly likely that I will be avoiding public nudity this year.
I might as well just go ahead and put a check-mark beside this one….or, maybe I should wait until after Mardi Gras, just to be safe.

3. I resolve to NOT have this happen to me.

I promise, if I get a pimple that grows to the size of a softball and smells like rotten eggs and cat vomit, I will go to a fucking dermatologist.

4. This year, I plan to discourage the sagging pants phenomenon by singing “Pants on the Ground” at the top of my lungs whenever I see someone with their drawers hanging out. Seriously, dude - NO ONE wants to see your ass or your underbritches.


This also goes for girls wearing see-through shirts so their bras show. Until some semi-retarded drunk guy comes up with a song for this occurrence, I guess I’ll have to make up my own. I think I’ll call it, “Hey, Slut! Put Some Decent Clothes On.”

Yes, Grandma, I'm talking to you.

5. My final resolution is to drink more. I got a bottle of fine vodka for Christmas, and that shit was smooth. Therefore, it’s my new drink of choice. I want to drink vodka until my liver turns so black Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

Well, that's all of my resolutions for this year.  Let me know if I have inspired any of you to make realistic resolutions for 2011.  Happy New Year!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

2010 in Review

I’ve been trying to sit down and do an end-of-year post, but since 2010 is 6 days gone, we will call this a “New Year Retrospective Analysis.” Or how about, “Shelia is a Fucking Procrastinator.” Probably a little more accurate.

This was my first year blogging, so I’m quite the newbie, but I thought I would share some favorite posts from my brief life as a wannabe blogger. 
Swingers, Pubic Hair, and Naked Bicycle Booties
This one seems to be a fan favorite. Or maybe it just gets lots of views from Barney Frank checking to see if I’ve added any more sexy boy pics.  Now you’ve gotta go look, right?
The P90X Exercise Saga
This was a two-part series on my efforts to lose weight give myself a heart attack and die. Suicide by the P90X program.  Day One here and Days Two and Three here. Once I get my ankle healed, I shall continue with my suicide mission.
Fat Girls Make Better Shoplifters
This one was about some goofy-ass bitches who shoplifted a bunch of stuff by hiding it in their body fat and crevices. You don’t want to miss it, because you will be repulsed and amused at the same time.

You'll have to go read the post if you want to see what this has to do with shoplifting.
Snakes - Yikes!
This is the post where I get freaked the fuck out by snakes.
The Princess and the Penis
This post got a lot of hits, probably because it has the word "penis" in the title, and you people are perverts.  But that's why I love you guys.
Look!  It's a penis!
Hey, TSA...You Can Touch My Junk
Check out this post.  I know you want to hear all about my efforts to get a little action from a TSA agent, along with some fabulous Opto-Mom suggestions on how to improve the procedure.  Also, you may possibly be offended if you are a goo-goo hearted gimp who doesn't like common sense solutions.
I may or may not have been trying to smuggle this on a plane.
Viagra and Friends
In this one, I investigate the effectiveness of the Viagra and Cialis commercials.  This is hard-hitting journalism right here!
The Commercial
Here I write about watching a stripper commercial with my daughter.  Good times!

Totally appropriate viewing material for children....
Things That Get on My Damn Nerves
This is where I vent about children being allowed in the arcade at Dave and Buster's, which is the adult version of Chuck E. Cheese.
Watussi, Cacooch and Other Misfit Words
You've just gotta read this one.  I find myself unable to explain it.

Well, that's all, folks!  Don't forget to share my blog with your friends.  I plan to be much more of a blog whore in 2011, so I need more followers.