Hey, TSA…You Can Touch MY Junk

I guess you’re all aware of the TSA’s new so-called safety procedures. Have you seen the blogger who told the TSA agent not to touch his junk while he was receiving one of the new enhanced pat-downs? That sounds kinda fancy, right? “Enhanced” usually means to make something better. So, are these new groping pat-downs better?


Well, hells yeah they are!


I’ve decided I’m going to start flying A LOT more. I want my junk touched! It’s like I can be molested in the name of national security. Awesome!


WHAT? The Opto-Mom needs a little action over here! Don’t judge.


The deal is, they have these new full body scanners, which basically show you totally naked. If you refuse the full body scanner, you get sexually molested by a TSA agent.


From now on, I’m refusing the body scanner. After all, I would be totally embarrassed for some stranger to see me naked. I don’t think I look all that good naked. However, I FEEL fabulous! I’ve got some nice firm areas and some fantastic soft parts. Ok, I have mostly soft parts, but they feel lovely, if I do say so myself (and I do!). If you fondle me with your eyes closed, I am frickin’ HOT! Or so I’ve been told by my pool boy, Ruben.


{Oops, did I say that out loud?}


The reason I don’t want to do the body scanner is because I’m afraid the scanner watcher people in the other room will have this conversation:


SW1: Oh my God! Come look at this, Scanner Watcher 2!
SW2: What the hell?
SW1: I’m not sure what *this* area is supposed to be.
SW2: Is that her…ummm…
SW1: No, that’s over here.
SW2: I’ve never seen one like that.
SW1: And what is this hanging down part?
SW2: Dunno, but that can’t be good for anybody!
SW1: {holding head sideways} Is this a weapon?
SW2: No, I think that’s hair.
SW1: Who has hair in that area?
SW2: I guess this lady does. Up here, is that cheese?
SW1: Yep, looks like Swiss.



So, no body scanner for the Opto-Mom! I think I could totally have fun with the pat-down though. Here is how I imagine it would go:


TSA: Now I’m going to feel near your groin.
Me: Okay. Mmmmm, Mama likey!
TSA: Ma’am, I’m just checking you for weapons.
Me: Yeah, could you check just a little to your left? Ok, now faster. Uh huh, that’s right!
TSA: Turn around. I’m going to check you from behind.
Me: I’ve heard that before.
TSA: I’m going to place my hand….here.
Me: Ooooh! Guess I got my Christmas goose early!
TSA: Now I’m going to check under your breasts.
Me: Not unless you buy me dinner first and call me your sweet love dumpling.


I wonder if they would let me on the plane after all that. Who cares? I could just buy a ticket to another flight and get violated at another gate. Good times!


I suggest you take the whole family along. They will even give one of these enhanced pat-downs to your toddler. Try explaining that to your kids when you have the whole good touch/bad touch conversation.


“Honey, it’s not okay for anyone to touch you in your private areas. Not Uncle Zeb. Not your teacher. Not the priest. The one exception is that chubby, hairy dude at the airport with the bad breath and sweat rings. He is going to prod all of your private parts to make sure you’re not a miniature terrorist. Oh, I mean ‘enemy combatant.’”


These TSA agents are pretty sharp. They are not fooled by a three-year-old girl with pigtails and dimples. No siree! That’s terrorist enemy combatant material right there!


{Are you feeling the cynicism here, readers?}


However, there is talk that Muslim women will be exempt from these pat-downs. They can only be searched around their heads. Well, that’s really freakin’ helpful…if she decides to smuggle a bomb in her goddamn nostril. I don’t feel it’s even worth the time to search the 3.5 inches of flesh they are allowed to show. Does everyone see the irony here, or do I have to say it and piss off the politically correct crowd? Do I?


Okay, let’s put it this way: If planes are being blown up with Polident, you should concentrate on searching little old ladies. If planes are being hijacked by middle-aged men in funny hats who drive tiny go-carts, then focus on all the Shriners who come through the line. If the weapons of choice for terrorizing our flying machines are juice boxes and stuffed animals, then feel free to frisk all of the toddlers getting on the plane. However, if 99% of hijackings are inflicted upon us by Middle Easterners, then perhaps the TSA could use a little bit of fucking common sense and give a second look to Middle Eastern passengers.


Or we could just perform anal probes on every single passenger to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings.


I have a few suggestions for the TSA. Hopefully, they will take note so we can all be happier:


1. Have someone of the opposite sex do the fondling. I think we would all enjoy it just a little bit more. Unless you’re a homosexual, and then you can be fondled by an individual of the same persuasion. If you’re from Yemen, they can have specially trained goats to frisk you. No discrimination…everyone should have fun while having their sexy bits felt up at the airport.


2. Make sure that Agent Groper is good looking. Seriously, no one wants to be probed by an ugly person. If the travelers enjoy the violation of their bodies, they are less likely to complain.


3. Two words: hand warmers.


4. Institute a “Get to Know Your TSA Molester Day” at the airport. They can have hors d’ouvres and cocktails (no pun intended), and perhaps we can play some of those super fun icebreaker games.

5.  I think that all passengers should receive a back rub before their pat-down.  It will be kind of like foreplay.


If this whole enhanced pat-down thing doesn’t work out, I have another idea.


Pay attention here; this is good:


Each passenger will step into a specially designed booth. This booth will have sensors that detect explosives. If an individual sets off the sensors, then he is automatically detonated. Case closed. No long drawn-out trials and hearings. It’s just bye-bye terrorist…oops, I mean, “enemy combatant.”


That, my friends, is what is known as the perfect deterrent. BAM!