She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Mommy Diaries - My Mom Jumped Off a Bridge!

My darlings, I have introduced you to a few members of my family, including my dad and my grandfather. As you can tell from these stories, I have quite an eccentric family.

My mom, Susan, was no different, but I haven’t really talked about her because she passed away at the young age of 46 due to a stroke.  It totally freakin' sucks every day of my life, but she was so funny and left me with so many great memories, I thought I would share her with you guys.  I’ve decided to introduce you to the adventures of Susan through a little segment I call “The Mommy Diaries.”

Now don’t worry, I’m not going to be all sappy and mopey. I shall continue to blog with my usual semi-amusement and attempted hilarity.


Let’s start our story with a little bit of background. My mom (Susan) was raised with her sister Julia and her brother Jimmy. When my mom was 12, her mother got re-married to a man with 2 kids, Jan and Brad. Here are the kids’ ages when the couple got married:
Susan 12
Jan 13
Julia 14
Brad 15
Jimmy 16

Yeah, it was like the Brady Bunch, but these people actually had hormones, and I‘m pretty sure they never said anyone was “absolutely dreamy.”

With five teenagers in the house, you know it’s got to be wild, but my mom and Jan (the two youngest) were the ones who gave my grandmother the most trouble. For some reason, they always did the exact opposite of what they were supposed to do.

Now, we’ve got a big bayou that runs through our little town.  Back in the 60’s this bayou flooded, and the result was lots of contaminated water.  Of course, you had little urchins that insisted on jumping into these sewage-filled waters because the water level was high enough that they could jump off the bridge without suffering a broken neck. 

My grandma worked at the hospital and had seen lots of illnesses (but no broken necks!) from the contaminated water, so she warned all of her kids, but especially the adventurous Jan and Susan, NOT to jump into that nasty ass water.

Yeah, you can see it coming, can’t you?

The next week, my grandma went to Susan and Jan and asked them if they had been jumping off of the bridge. “Of course not,” they replied with big innocent eyes.

I think this is the look they were going for:
Who, me?

Then my grandmother pulls out the town newspaper, and VOILA! Guess whose picture was on the front page in MID-FUCKING-AIR jumping into the crusty bayou water? If I have to tell you the answer, you apparently haven’t been paying attention.

Front page news in my town.
Watch for more "The Mommy Diaries" segments, including when my mom made a kid pretend to smoke cigarettes and when she stuck her foot in her mouth with a royal flair!


  1. I love your lingo! "Mid-fucking-air!" Hell ya, now that's what I'm talking 'bout!
    Your mother sounds like a great woman. I sorry you lost her so soon, but obviously she gave you so much, and no, this was not sad and mopey (if it had been I would have high tailed it out of here, I just did my makeup!)
    Love the little drawing! Maybe you should transition into one of those bloggers with pictures! I think you've got a talent there lady!

  2. Okay. First, that baby is fucking creepy. I don't like creepy babies. Like, at all.

    Second, hilarious! Only because it is SO something that would happen to me!

    Third, that's it. Your artistic skills are superior to mine and I am ashamed that I ever dared to top you.