She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Daughter is a Buttaholic

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you may be familiar with my daughter, the fabulous Miss Smarty Pants (MSP). She is 9, and has recently turned into a buttaholic.

Yes, I’m pretty sure positive buttaholic is a word.

 I was driving down the road with MSP and her cousin in the back seat. I didn’t have the radio on, so they started singing Baby Got Back (aka I Like Big Butts).

A cappella.

 Ahhhh, the beauty of childhood. Until they get to the line, “Oh baby I wanna get with ya, and take your picture.” I, being a master of the classics, know what line is coming next:

“My homeboys try to warn me, but that butt you got makes me so horny.”


In about 3 seconds, I am going to have two 9-year-olds singing about being horny. Those of you with kids know how it works. You get two or more kid brains together, and they get curiouser than usual. How can I shut them up before they sing this line and then inevitably start asking me what horny means?

 Shit! I’m down to 2 seconds. Let’s see….alternative meanings of “horny.” Here’s what flashed through my silly little mind in the remaining 2 seconds before the end of the countdown:

Love of deer hunting - No; they might tell their teacher that their daddies were horny this weekend.
 Addiction to bull fighting - Maybe; could put forth the notion that horny=dangerous.
 Musician who plays the trumpet - Nope; because one of them will ask the music teacher if she’s ever been horny.
 Dude that honks his car horn when a cute girl walks by - Ok, this one has merit. It could possibly work without me getting a phone call from the school.

Before I can decide for sure, the girls sing the line I’ve been dreading:

“My homeboys try to warn me, but that gut you got makes me your homie.”

Uhhhhhhh. Ok. "Homie."  That actually kinda rocks!  Potential crisis averted. WHEW!

Here is another example to support my daughter’s status as a buttaholic. I was purchasing the movie “Grown Ups,” and my daughter informed me that she wanted to watch it as soon as we got home.

Looks like a fun movie for kids, right?  NOT!

When the movie came out in theaters this past summer, I wouldn’t let her see it because I heard it had a lot of adult content, and we don’t allow her to watch stuff like that. Note that this is coming from the woman whose kid was singing Sir Mix-A-Lot the day before. Stop judging me!

I told her that her dad and I would watch it first to see if it is okay for her to see. “But whyyyyy can’t I see it? It looks funnyyyyyy,” she whined.

[At this point, I was cussing Hollywood. They make this movie and show the previews with lots of kids saying funny stuff, everyone having fun at a waterpark, and the dads peeing in the pool. What kid wouldn’t think that this movie was geared toward them? Thank you so much, Hollywood, for targeting kids with the movie trailers and then filling the actual movie with sexual innuendos and lots of T&A. Oh, and also for blowing the whole tooth fairy scam that parents are running. Yes, they let the cat out of the bag about the tooth fairy not being real in this movie. What is your game, you evil Hollywood people?]

I looked at the back of the movie, and think, “Bingo!” I told her that the rating showed that there was {gasp} NUDITY!

“Oh, yuck!” she replies. That’s my girl! Nudity is bad! Stay fully clothed for the rest of your life, little Miss Smarty Pants! Go to college and always keep your girly parts covered and don‘t have sex until you‘re 30!

When we get in the car, she digs the movie out and starts to read the back. “Mom, it just says male rear nudity, so that’s ok.”

“Ok?” I practically screech. “You want to see naked man booties?”

Then, with the very dramatic eye roll thing she does so well, she said, “Mom, everybody knows what a butt looks like. DUH!”

WTF? Who is this child? I know she’s growing up, because for Halloween this year, instead of being a fairy or a cheerleader or a genie or a princess, she decided to be a chain saw psycho.

And now she’s an expert on asses? Good Lord, I am NOT ready for this shit!

P.S. Anyone know where Buttaholics Anonymous meets?


  1. This post scared the shit out of me. Thanks for the warning her opto-mom.

  2. I think you've been out Smarty Pants'd.

    And, in all honesty, I thought you were going to talk about crazy Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta and her creepily hitting on some Falcons player. Shudder.

    Also, buttaholic is totally a word.