She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Girl, You Need Some Product in That Hair!

I remember when I was a kid/teenager.  When we went into a beauty salon, we asked for some hairspray or mousse or gel, or whatever it was that we needed.  Nowadays, you have to ask for "product."  It's not "a product," just "product."  Don't get this wrong or you may get the stank eye from the ladies at the hair salon.

Stank eye with lots of product.
On a side note, is it just me, or does Taylor Swift always look like she's giving the stank eye?
Stank eye or a kid trying to look sultry?
But I digress....

I was in the beauty salon the other day to get some de-tangler stuff product for my daughter's hair.  The lady helping me was just gushing over this new stuff called it's a 10.  This stuff is supposed to be "just awesome for the hair, just awesome!"  I looked at the bottle and the description said, "miracle leave-in product."  Huh.  Not very descriptive.  So I decided to get more info from the hair lady.

Me:  Well, what does it do?
Hair Lady:  It just makes the hair so AWESOME! 
Me:  Does it make it curly, straight, shiny, lustrous, smooth, full?  What?
Hair Lady:  Yes, it's AWESOME! 
{key word here is awesome}

Me:  But what is the purpose of it?  WHAT DOES IT DO TO THE HAIR?
Hair Lady:  Well, it makes it just...
Me:  If you say "awesome," I will gouge out your eyes with a hair pick.
Hair Lady:  ...awe.....uhhh.  Super!  Your hair will look super!
Me:  Does it add volume, brightness, length, health, charisma?
{charisma- WTF?  I was just jacking with her at this point.}
Hair Lady:  Yes, and it has vitamins!
Me:  Ooooh, vitamins!  Does it have A, C, D, E, B12, niacin, zinc, and riboflavin?
Hair Lady:  Oh, it has everything, hun!
Me:  What about essential amino acids?
Hair Lady:  It has everything essential!  It's awe.....errr....fabulous!
Me:  Does it have phenylalanine, leucine, selenocysteine, and glutamine?  {Yeah, I took biochemistry, biatches!}
Hair Lady:  Oh girl!  It's got everything you need for fabulous hair!
Me:  What about flatulanine?  {I totally made that one up!}
Hair Lady:  All the essentials, sweetie!
Me:  Well, that sounds great, but I don't think I can buy it unless it has hask placenta.
Hair Lady:  Ohhh, I'll have to ask somebody about that.

So she leaves for a minute to ask a placenta expert, I assume.  While we're waiting for her return, let's discuss the whole hask placenta thing. 

"What is a hask," you may ask.  Hey, that rhymed!  Well, I don't know what the hell a hask is supposed to be, but hask placenta comes out of a sheep after she births a lamb.  EWE!  (Bad pun, I know...)
Let's put some sheep afterbirth on our heads!
Apparently, sheep placenta is supposed to be excellent for the hair.  I have heard this over and over, but just don't understand it.  If it's so good for hair, then why don't sheep have hairy placentas?  Huh?  Answer me that!  I've seen tons of sheep placentas (TMI?), and not one of them was hairy!  Guess I debunked that theory!

Ok, we done with that topic?  Good.

So hair lady comes back and informs me that there is no placenta in this product, but they do have some excellent hask placenta product.  She brings me the package, and I pretend to search the back. 

Me:  Oh, but it doesn't have flatulanine.  Guess I'll have to check around.  Bye!

And I left her standing there wondering what the hell flatulanine is.  Maybe she'll Google it and come upon my little post.  Hee hee hee...


  1. Love it!! I, too, remember when you could simply go in and ask for hairspray, and not be bombarded with 50 different options, each one promising to be more amazing than the last. Of course, that was back in the Aqua-Net days, and I know that totally makes me sound old. But at least we knew WTF hairspray was!

  2. Sadly, no matter how 'awesome' they make the product, I still have to mix several together, add a splash of water, bounce on my left foot, while facing north, and then just maybe that shit will work...and I'm a licensed cosmetologist...

  3. You, have just, made my entire day.

  4. Antichrist - But do you remember the smell of Aqua-Net after you walk through the rain? Good Lord, that seemed to increase the potency tenfold!

    Angie - You're supposed to face northeast!!! Facing north makes you more susceptible to having your hair catch on fire! Ummmm.....

    Dazee - Right back at ya, sistah! (By the way, was it the placenta discussion? If so, I'll make sure to include placenta in more of my posts.)

  5. You brought back memories... one time my neighbor talked me in to not using ANY PRODUCT for the weekend to help make my hair healthier. By Sunday she was in tears laughing, belting out, "USE PRODUCT, USE PRODUCT!"

  6. I knew there was something missing. I've tried product after product, all promising AWESOME hair, but nothing really working. Some make my hair AWESO, others ESOME, but none make it AWESOME. And all this time all I ever needed to do was put some sheep placenta on my head. Sometimes the smallest things really make all the difference.

  7. I thought I was the only one who noticed Taylor Swift and her stank eye :) My little sister used to use placenta shampoo... It was then I switched to showering in my parents' bathroom. Ew.

    -Lady Fromage

  8. Love that last sentence "Maybe she google it and come upon this post!" We can only hope! Clearly, the lady doesn't know what she's talking about 'cause there's nothing better than a zinc and essential amino acids infusion for damaged hair! All she needed to say next to really seal the deal is that hair mends best when smeared with Cheese Whiz and wrapped in Saran Wrap over night.

  9. Katherine - Glad to bring up awkward memories for you!

    Holly - I think I'll go a little further and say "Icky poo poo."

    Ziva - From now on, you'll know where to come for all of your hair care queries! Baaaaa!

    Lady - You would think Taylor would have enough money she could get that fixed.

    Sandra - I'm gonna try out the Cheese Whiz thing tonight. You know, sometimes I get hungry at night, so this way I won't even have to get out of bed. I will keep some crackers in my room and I'll be all set!

  10. Saw you on Studio 30+ and came by to say hi. :)

    A) I'm guessing she couldn't spell flatulanine to google it. And who am I to judge...I had to copy/paste to get it right.

    B) Though I know that was all about product, now I have "sheep polenta" in my head. I wonder if it would be related to haggis?

  11. Shit/Caca - No, ewe are baaaaad!

    Kate - Welcome to the looney bin, darlin'! I think sheep polenta would actually be related to hummus, aka the least flavorful substance ever created.

  12. YOUR BAD, LMAO! As a retail person most of my life I can proudly say ~ I can sell dirt~ I have that gift! You would have left with 2 bottles scratching your head haha! Either out of shear xcitement of this amazin-fantabulous product OR total confusion on what THE HELL YOU JUST BOUGHT! God love her she didnt know who she was talking are a hoot!


  13. Yes, I'm sorry to sound...critical...but Taylor Swift can stop with the cat eye eyeliner bit. It's getting old.

  14. Thanks for the award, Rox! Been thinking about y'all!

    Kristy - Not critical at all. You speak da troof!

  15. hahaa the post was funny....and Head & Shoulders does the job for me but im a guy so that explains it. In fact seems like im the only guy commenter in here...w00t.

    just stumbled across your blog, liking it so you have a new fan!

  16. Steyny - Welcome, my dear! There are some other fellows around, but they probably didn't comment on this post because they don't want to admit that they go to beauty salons.

  17. hehe i don't go there. I just found your post funny. Actually this reminds me, i need a haircut badly..