She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

I Know What You Did With Those Binoculars

My buddy Gini wrote a hilarious post involving her neighbors and a pair of binoculars.  Check it out here!  I promise you will laugh and be disgusted at the same time.  Anyway, it got me to thinking about my mother-in-law and her fondness of binoculars.

I know a lot of people have mother-in-law problems, but I guess I'm lucky.  My mother-in-law (heretofore referred to as MIL) is fabulous, and has provided a wealth of entertainment for us throughout the years.

MIL is in her 70's and she and FIL live on a public dead-end road without much traffic.  She has a computer now, so she amuses herself by sending dirty e-mails and lists of diseases she thinks we may have.  If you have a sore toe? Cancer.  A headache?  Aneurysm.  An upset stomach?  Bubonic plague.

Before she got a computer, MIL kept herself busy by keeping an eye on the neighbors and what was going on up and down their road.  When we would call to check in with them, she would often give us a daily traffic update.

MIL:  A strange truck drove down our road today.
Me:  What was strange about it?
MIL:  Well, I've never seen it before.  It was blue.
Me:  Blue?
MIL:  Yes!  Do you think I should call the sheriff?
Me:  Because it was blue?  Did they do anything suspicious?
MIL:  Yes, they drove down the road and then backed out and left.
Me:  Hmmmm.
MIL:  I called all of the neighbors, and no one was expecting anyone today.
Me:  Maybe they were just lost and so they turned around and left?
MIL:  Dunno...I think I should call the sheriff.
Me:  Or maybe a SWAT team?
MIL:  Are you being a smart ass?
Me:  Yes, ma'am.

So when MIL wasn't monitoring the traffic situation, she liked to break out her binoculars and snoop check on the neighbors.  The people who lived on one side of her were a couple named Cathy and Don. 

Through MIL's snooping monitoring, we got lots of info on Cathy and Don.  For example, Cathy liked to walk around her house naked - "that floozy!"  Through chatting with Cathy, MIL learned that Don was "impotent."  That last word was always whispered. "He's impotent....shhhh."  MIL said that she didn't see how Cathy dealt with that because "even though I'm much older than her, I still have the urge to..."

{ME WITH FINGERS IN EARS}   "La la la la...TMI, Mom!"  Though I plugged my ears, this little exchange produced some mental images that hurt my brain, and I'm still to this day trying to forget them.  A Valium-vodka-Prozac cocktail with a side of cookies sometimes helps.

So dear MIL has the binoculars out one day to inspect the area for serial killers in blue trucks when, lo and behold, the binoculars somehow pointed themselves at Cathy's house. 

Huh. Is that....?  Why, yes, yes it is!  Naked Cathy had binoculars and they were pointed straight at MIL!  Oh, my dear MIL was pissed!

She called me...

MIL:  Do you know what that bitch Cathy was doing today?
Me:  No, what?
MIL:  She was looking in my window with her binoculars!!!
Me:  Oh no!  How do you know?
MIL:  Well, I was looking through her window with my binoculars, and there she was looking back at me with HER binoculars.
Me:  Ummmmmm...
MIL:  Can you believe the nerve of that woman?
Me: what did you do?
MIL:  Well, I pulled down my pants and mooned the bitch!

I freakin' LOVE my mother-in law!!!  As long as I don't have to live next to her.....


  1. Haha that's awesome. Ever consider piggy-backing off the success of some Twitterers and making a ShitmyMILsays account?

    It'd be a hit.

  2. Jeff, that would be awesome! She is so adorable and is always saying something hilarious!

  3. Ha! I'm pretty sure my MIL would have trouble figuring out how to work the binoculars (her son obviously does not take after her).

    And I agree, I think you should totally try out a Shit My MIL Says. It could be pretty sweet!

  4. Hee hee hee -- that is awesome!

    My MIL is pretty cool too, with the possible exception of being over here all the damn time, not that I don't appreciate the food!

  5. Gini - Tell Mr. BFG to STEP AWAY FROM THE BINOCULARS! I'm tired of him staring at me all the time!

    Brahm - Food is good! Plus the added benefit that she likes you enough to want to hang out with you. I know it can be really difficult for everyone if you have a MIL that doesn't like you. But how could she not like you, you sweet thang?