She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Never Try to Light a Fart on a Plane…..I’m Just Sayin’

Well, my tasty critters, I have returned from Las Vegas, basically in one piece. If you didn’t know, I injured my ankle before I left. Here is that charming story (along with pictures), if you haven’t seen it. I decided to just take one crutch since I had to get to the airport with luggage, purse, and computer bag, so having only one hand free just wouldn’t cut it.

The morning I was to leave, I wrapped my ankle and foot up tightly with an Ace bandage and tried to put on a shoe. Well, the damn foot was so swollen, I couldn’t get any kind of shoe on. I tried, flip flops, tennis shoes (unlaced), hubby’s shoes, and even slippers. Hell, if Andre the Giant had loaned me a shoe, I’m not sure it would have fit. So I just put on one of Signore Sexy Pants’s socks.

I drove 3 hours to the airport, so of course I had to go to the bathroom as soon as I got there. With just a sock on. EWWWW! The bathroom was like a minefield of little pee puddles surrounding the toilets. What the hell, people? Is that humongous opening on the toilet too small a target for you to hit? It just makes you wonder where some people were raised. Do they piss on the floor at home? Are they from some third-world country where you just let it loose on the floor? Hey, at least they made it INTO the bathroom. I guess that’s good enough for some people. Luckily, I had packed a couple of extra socks, so I threw the first one away and put on a fresh one. Then I rubbed my entire body down with hand sanitizer.

I got on the plane, and a middle-aged man sat beside me. He seemed pretty normal…until the plane started taxiing down the runway. Then the man closed his eyes and started chanting. Yes, chanting! What the f????

“Ummm, flight attendant, can we please lock Muhammed here in the bathroom or something? And did security remember to check his shoes, inspect his panties, and make sure he doesn't have more than 3 ounces of shampoo in his bag?”

Yeah, yeah…I went there. I’m politically incorrect. Whatevs! You know it would have freaked you out, at least just a little bit. Come on, admit it!

So when the plane gets in the air, Abdul stops chanting and just stares at the seat back in front of him. He never looked away from it during the entire flight. Never spoke a word, even when the flight attendant asked for drink orders. He didn’t bat an eye when we were offered peanuts or pretzels. Now that’s just weird. I don’t care who you are. If someone offers you a soda and a free bag of salty awesomeness, how can you ignore them?

The dude was definitely a wing nut, so I kept my crutch nearby in case I had to open a can of whoop ass on the plane. You know I would have, because that’s how I roll. I guess he was intimidated by my badassness, because he never even tried to light a fart.

Hey, wouldn’t that be an awesome tool for terrorists? Fart lighting? If this idea ever catches on, we’re all going to have to undergo a friggin’ colonoscopy by TSA before we can board a flight. It will be illegal to eat at Taco Bell within 24 hours before departure.

Security: Did you pack your own bags?

Me: No, I let my neighbor’s kid pack for me…the kid who tortures animals and cuts himself.

Security: Okay. Do you have more than 3 ounces of fluid in your bag.

Me: Yes, I’m carrying a large can of lighter fluid. And a fifth of Jack Daniels.

Security: Do you have any explosives in your underwear?

Me: No, but I am packing C-4 in my bra.

Security: Fine. What about your shoes?

Me: I have a Roman Candle in my sock.

Security: Alright. Have you eaten any burritos, tacos, nachos, enchiladas, chili rellenos, quesadillas, fajitas, salsa, jalepenos, or any chili-based products in the last 24 hours?

Me: Why, yes. I had a Taco El Supremo on the drive up here.


Security: Miss, we’re going to need you to drop your pants and kneel down on this table so we can check your rectum for explosive gases.

Me: Someone hand me that bottle of Jack out of my purse. And find Bubba the security guard some lube, please!

Seriously, though. Other than Mr. Chanty Pants, the trip was uneventful. The airline was very helpful and considerate, and the flights were smooth. I’ve got much more to tell you, but we’ll save that for another day.


  1. Not gonna lie, I would have been freaked the hell out. I bet he was praying for your soul because you were showing your ankle, huh?

    It would have been cool if you'd had to take him down with your crutch.

  2. uneventful is good. Glad for your safe return.

  3. God I wish I was on that plane with you.

    I hope your ankle is getting better

  4. Last time we flew I got stuck sitting between a sissy boy who gasped and grabbed the seat handles everytime we hit a "bump" and an old.. Im talking OLD lady who ate tuna salad she brought on the plane and drank bloody marys the entire time. I told sissy boy " if this bitch goes down, Im sticking you with the old lady and I WILL trample your ass to get out of here." I meant it too.
    Hope your ankle is feeling better!

  5. Wow, I always thought the women's restroom would be crystal clear considering the fact that aiming with a utensil looking thing isn't a requirement to take a piss. I have a weird visual of ladies pulling their pants down as they are on the way to the stall and pissing while walking.

    I would be freaked out if I were in your situation on the plane. No doubt about it.

    Does fart-lighting work? If someone ever attempts this, I feel cool knowing where the idea originated. :)

    You are funny...consider yourself blogrolled.

  6. Thanks, Rico! Welcome to the nut house! Your question about the fart lighting reminded me of another story I have about the topic. Coming soon to a blog near you!

  7. Uneventful means safe. Safe is good.

  8. You are so effin funny! Abdul you realize how many terrorists you may have offended? They are not all named Abdul! As for fart-lighting, you just brought back many unwelcome memories of the first douchebag who ruined my credit rating! But still, you had me smiling from the get-go...and really, the very visual of you hobbling around with Senior Sexy Pant's sock on was enough!