She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Fat Girls Make Better Shoplifters

I’ve got a little story that will make you proud you are NOT from the state of Oklahoma. For those of you who are from Oklahoma….uhhhh, sorry, I guess.

This seems like a classic Wal-Mart story, but it actually took place at a TJ Maxx in Edmond, OK. Allegedly, 28-year-old Ailene Brown and 37-year-old Shmeco Thomas are facing felony shoplifting charges after being caught by the loss prevention officers at the Maxx.

It may not seem like much of a story so far. Shoplifting happens all the time, right? Well, read on, reader people.

Ailene and Shmeco were (allegedly) using their bodies to conceal the items they were (allegedly) stealing. These paunchy plunderers were (allegedly) sticking items under their breasts, belly fat, and beneath the skin hanging under their armpits.

Ok, still not impressed? Stay with me, folks! I’m about to tell you what they were shoplifting (allegedly). Here is an alleged list:

Four (4) pairs of boots
Three (3) pairs of jeans
One (1) wallet

Perhaps I should add a pictorial display just so you can fully appreciate the magnitude of the items this dynamic duo were (allegedly) stuffing into their crevices and overhangs.

Four pairs of boots

Three pairs of jeans - probably size XXXL

Holy giant globs of fat, Batman!  I can't imagine all of this, $2600 worth of merchandise, fitting under the blubber layers of two women.  I'm (allegedly) pretty well-endowed in the chest area, so I tried to put a pair of boots under there at home.  KLUNK!  They fell right out.  I was able to successfully walk around with a bottle of nail polish under there, though.  So how much flippin' fat do these beefy bandits have be toting around to (allegedly) conceal 4 pairs of boots?  And that's not even including the jeans, wallet, and gloves!  DAMN, Gina!

Oh, when I was searching for pictures of boots, this came up:

Ahhhh, look at
I tried to hide him under my boobs, but he was kinda greasy and kept sliding out.  So I locked him in the closet along with my pool boy, Ruben.

The one question that is burning in my mind is, "What did the loss prevention officers do with the merchandise that they (allegedly) retrieved from the body canyons of Ailene and Shmeco?"  Did they put it back on the shelves for other unsuspecting shoppers to purchase? 

Just in case, I suggest that you don't buy any boots or jeans from TJ Maxx this season.  And I think you should probably smell any wallets or gloves before you purchase them.  If you catch a whiff of gub'ment cheese, sweat, tuna, and J.Lo perfume, put them back on the rack and back slowly away.  Then go home and sniff some bleach.

So let's meet the fleshy fashionistas.  
Ailene and Shmeco - The Portly Pilferers
And what the hell kind of name is Shmeco?  Is it Yiddish?  For some reason, her name reminds me of the word "shmeckel," which means "small penis" in Yiddish.  Oy vey!  Somehow, I don't think that's what her mom was going for. 

In a related story, a teenager in Brooklyn (allegedly) jacked an $84 turkey from a deli.

First of all, HOLY SHIT!  Eighty-four dollars for a farkin' turkey?  Maybe you should eat more ham, Brooklyn!

By the way, when I was searching for pics of "turkey in my pants," this picture came up:

Well, alrighty then!

But I digress.  I tend to do that...a lot.  Anyway, back to the story.  The larcenist lad, Deon Williams, had 2 yoots as lookouts when he (allegedly) crammed a 12-pound turkey down his britches and walked outside.

A hooker on the street corner asked, "Is that a turkey in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"  Okay, that part didn't really happen, but it would have been wicked if it did.

The butcher, Sergio Marte, chased the thief out of the store.  Deon yelled, "I'll give it to you - don't touch me!"

The butcher quipped, "I don't want to touch you - just give me the turkey!"  The heister dropped the turkey and the butcher bent over to pick it up.  At this point, the little piece of shit (allegedly) hit the butcher in the jaw!"  The butcher, being a tough Brooklyn boy, picked up the poultry and returned it to the deli case.

[Note to self:  If you buy a turkey in Brooklyn, beware of a distinct "crotchy" odor."]

This entire fiasco was captured on video surveillance, and young Deon was captured a couple of days later.  The judge will probably sentence him to 30 seconds of community service and warn him to steal steaks next time because they are easier to conceal in your drawers.

Moral of this way-too-long, rambling story:  GET A FUCKING JOB AND STOP (allegedly) STEALING!

This post has been read and edited by my attorney (allegedly).


  1. oh my god woman. I'm reading this while the rest of the house is asleep. Laughing hysterically out loud kind of wakes people up. (allegedly)

    You have totally made my day.

  2. hahaa, hilarious!. So this means being fat isn't all that bad, you can steal like a champ at least ^_^

  3. OMG that is hilarious and disturbing at the same time!! WOW! Following your blog now - came over from Studio30Plus! :)

  4. OMG I love that you test drove some stuff under your boobies. I could definitely do tube socks but boots are out of the question. And what is up with that Yiddish name? It's not even feminine.

  5. @Dazee - Shhhhh! Don't wake 'em up...then you'll have to get off the computer and do, like, stuff - or something.

    @Lindsay - Gub'ment cheese IS awesome, especially on a bolo and cheese sammich!

    @Steyny - I try to find the positives - Merry Christmas!

    @Kimber - So glad you dropped by! I'm gonna come stalk you now!

    @Charlotte - I couldn't get a damn thing to stay in my belly area, though I can smuggle a gumball in my belly button.

  6. LMAO, great post! That certainly changes the seasonal shopping dynamic, huh? And also, that is the best ad for selling boots I have ever seen -- the both of them!

  7. I need to work on my blubber; I couldn't even carry a cheerio under my boobs, not to mention a bottle of nail polish or four pairs of boots. I suck at shoplifting.

  8. I'm never eating again. I am however going to grease myself up, slap on some boots, and go trolling for muscled med to shove in my favorite crevice.

  9. @ajm - Yeah, I've stolen, errr, I mean bought 3 pairs since seeing that!

    @Ziva - Keep working! BACON! BACON!

    @Buggin - Work what ya got, sistah!

  10. 2 yoots? OMG, ok, stop, snort, also, ha, boot boob, ha, stop, breath. please, why have I not heard of you before, best news reports EVER. Also my son goes to school with Schmecas daughter, or niece, her name is " Venereal" it's very hard for him to come home from school and tell me stories about how venereal is sick or venereal got in trouble.

  11. Peachy! So glad to have you, babe! I've always been led to believe that venereal is ususally trouble. Please tell me her last name starts with a D. Because "VD" would be flippin' awesome!