Things That Get On My Damn Nerves - facebook Edition

Do [fill in the blank] To Support This Cause

I am all for supporting great causes, but some of the crap that takes place on facebook in the name of these causes is just ridiculous. The most recent example: “Change your profile pic to a cartoon from your childhood. The goal? To not see a human face on FB till Monday, December 6th. Join the fight against child abuse and copy & paste to your status to invite your friends to do the same.”


Exactly how the hell is this supposed to work? Maybe an abusive parent sees Scooby Doo on facebook and says, “Well, shit! I don’t think I’ll beat my kid today!”


Or perhaps Papa Smurf will induce warm and fuzzy feelings in the abuser, and he will take his kid out for ice cream instead of making the poor child live in the closet (like my pool boy, Ruben, and that greasy naked guy from my last post. Go ahead and look ladies - and some of you gentlemen - I‘ll wait).


What if the abuser sees a pic of Wile E. Coyote and starts ordering all kinds of gadgets from Acme to use on his poor child? Yeah, you didn’t think about that, did you? We’ll just see how you feel when the news comes on and reports that some child had a giant anvil dropped on his head or was blown up after eating Fruit Loops mixed with gunpowder. WAY TO GO, FACEBOOK USERS!!!


So, after thinking about how totally ridiculous and futile this campaign was, I promptly changed my profile pic to Foghorn Leghorn. Not to prevent child abuse, but because the FogLeg totally ROCKS! “Ah say, ah say, boy! Don’t beat yore kiddo!”

If You Don’t Re-Post [this long ass diatribe] Then You Hate Jesus

Have you ever noticed that facebook has a lot of people with way too much time on their hands? (Hello, Black Kettle…I’m the Pot!) And they LOVE to issue challenges. Like this one:


One facebooker has challenged all believers to put this on their wall.....In the Bible it says, "If you deny me in front of your peers, I will deny you in front of my Father, at The Gates of Heaven." This is a simple test. If you love God and you are not afraid to show it, repost this.


Well, damn! If I don’t post this, then apparently I’m going to Hell. It says so right there on facebook! What about the fates of all those people who died before facebook was invented? Oh, crap! Everyone who has died before last week went to Hell!


After all, isn’t there something in the Bible that says, “No one comes to the Father except through your facebook status?”


Maybe in Leviticus???


Don’t get me wrong. I love Jesus and the troops and the children and the cancer survivors and the Chilean miners and the Haitians (except for that one topless chick with the droopy boobs - don't they have Victoria's Secret in Haiti?), but can we get over the condemning shit? Just donate some money or screw a soldier (or a Haitian). I’m sure they would appreciate that more.


Well, gotta go change my facebook status to where I keep my purse: “I like it under the coffee table.”


And then could someone please get over here with a crane and some sort of pulley system to get my naked ass out from under the coffee table after my husband misinterprets that whole little post?  You might wanna bring some Vaseline or Crisco, as well.

{Sigh} And while you’re at it, bring me a hand basket so I can get packed….