Viagra and friends

Ok, boys and girls! It’s time to discuss all of those Viagra and Cialis commercials that we have to endure anytime we turn on our televisions. When you hear that soft music and the words, “It can happen at any moment….” you know what’s next. Buckle up....it's gonna be a long one! (Pun intended)

Let’s talk about the music first. Couldn’t they come up with something a little better than that generic instrumental crap? I think a more appropriate choice would be “Let’s Get It On,” by the great Marvin Gaye. Or how about, “Let’s Get Physical,” by Olivia Newton John? If you’re going for subtlety, then perhaps Akon’s “Smack That” would be a good option. The Pointer Sister’s “Slow Hand” might work, but don’t be too slow, mister; ya don’t want that Viagra to run out before you finish your business! “(I’m Bringing) SexyBack” by Justin Timberlake seems especially descriptive, but I think my favorite may be “Sexual Healing,” by Marvin Gaye. I mean, isn’t that the whole purpose of Viagra and Cialis?

Ok, enough with the music selections already. Let’s get to the meat of the issue (another pun – I said “meat” – hee hee). The voiceovers in these commercials are just way too bland. Can’t they get someone with a voice like Barry White to do the voiceover? I personally think it would be ultra sexy with Sean Connery doing the voice. “Take this medicine and get your damn pecker working again, lad!” Oh yeah! That’s hot right there!

Anyway, here is a partial transcript of one of the commercials (we’ll call it Stiffomycin, for the purposes of this blog) – interspersed with my expert comments, of course:

How do you know when the moment is right?
Ummmm, here's a hint: it's called half-time.

It can happen at any time.
Well, apparently “it” can’t or you wouldn’t need this medication. I'm just saying….

There are two dosing options: 36 hour Stiffomycin or Stiffomycin for daily use.
Daily? You go, boy!!!

Don’t drink alcohol while taking Stiffomycin.
Isn’t that when you need it most?

Side effects may include headache, upset stomach, backache, and muscle aches.
Wow! Nothing puts a woman in the mood more than her man puking and whining about his back.

Seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than 4 hours.
Four hours? Really? What man is going to complain about a 4 hour erection? Or for that matter, what woman would complain about it?

If you have any sudden decrease in vision or hearing, stop taking Stiffomycin and call your doctor right away.
Maybe this is actually how the medication is supposed to work. It blinds the man so he doesn’t have to see his wife’s wrinkles and/or fat rolls. Then it deafens him so he can’t hear her nagging. And VIOLA!!! Instant erection!

My other beef (there I go with the puns again!) with these commercials is the behavior of the men/actors. Are we really supposed to believe that having our man take a little pill will totally alter his behavior? Now seriously, how often does your man dance with you in the kitchen or take a bath with you in a big claw-foot tub beside a river? Most of us are lucky just to get him to put down the remote during sex. Maybe we have some gentlemen out there who have taken Stiffomycin or one of its derivatives that can shed some light on this situation. Any brave dudes out there want to help us out? We would LOVE to hear from you!