She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Friday, July 16, 2010

Things That Get on My Damn Nerves - Chapter 1

I would like to start a new weekly segment about things that get on my damn nerves. I struggled for days trying to think of a good name for this little column. I finally decided on, “Things That Get On My Damn Nerves.” So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you the first installment of my gratuitous weekly rant. Here we go!

1. Rude Wal-Mart poopers – Now this isn’t referring to all public poopers. I mean, sometimes you’ve just gotta go, right? I’m talking about going into the bathroom at Wal-Mart and finding that someone neglected to flush their poop. Is it really so hard to push that little handle down? Were you so proud of your bowel production that you had to leave it in there like a little prize for the next person? It’s not a museum piece; it’s human waste, for Pete’s sake! Flush it down! Maybe it’s a man-spy infiltrating the women’s bathrooms. That sounds like a guy thing. Anyway, I think I’ll start shopping at Target.

2. “We Needed the Rain” – This is mainly an “old people” phenomenon. We can experience torrential rain every day for 10 days straight with destruction and devastation to homes, property, humans, and pets. If you complain to anyone over 60 about the rain on the 11th day, the inevitable response will be, “Well, we needed the rain.” WHY? Why do we need the rain when my skin has been pruney for a week and I have Roseanne Roseannadanna hair? Just stop already with the whole needing-the-rain bit!

3. Heavy duty toy packages – Anyone who has a child knows exactly what I’m talking about here. Apparently, there is some sort of conspiracy among toy makers to drive parents and children insane with their toy packaging. I could break into Fort Knox with less effort than I spend getting a toy out of a package. Maybe the toy companies are in cahoots with tool makers, because every Christmas morning I find myself surrounded by screwdrivers, wrenches, wire cutters, drills, saws, and blow torches just to get all of the stinkin’ toys out of the packages. And there’s generally some type of injury from this process: scrapes, cuts, gouges, hair on fire, accidental amputation. (Perhaps the emergency rooms are in on the conspiracy too, hmmmm…) My husband or I usually end up bleeding on the carpet while our daughter is jumping up and down and salivating to get to that new toy that is taking 8 hours to get out of the package. ATTENTION TOY MAKERS: It’s not like you’re protecting a national treasure…’s just a Barbie doll!

4. Public cussers – I swear, some people are so uncouth! There’s nothing I hate worse than being in the store with my kid and having the lady next to us (who is, consequently, dressed in pajama pants and stained tee shirt with no bra) say, “Eighty-nine f*ckin’ cents for macaroni and cheese? That’s f*cking ridiculous!” Why can’t she just say, “Oh phooey! These darn prices certainly displease me!” This public cussing can commonly be experienced at any Wal-Mart in America, yet another reason why I plan to shop at Target from now on. Before you call me a hypocrite for calling out public cussers (because I do use a cuss word in the title of this blog), please note that I do not swear out in public, and especially not in front of children. I only swear on this blog…which is private…on the internet…accessible to anyone with a computer…uhhhh, never mind.

5. Over-indulgent parents – These are the parents that think their kids do no wrong. I do believe that we are supposed to be our kids’ biggest fans, but that doesn’t mean that we are supposed to think they are totally perfect at all times. You often hear the moms of serial killers claiming that he’s “really quite a good boy and never gave me problems when he lived in my basement.” The most recent example of this is the mother of the Barefoot Bandit. The Barefoot Bandit is the teenager who allegedly committed around 70 burglaries and thefts, including stealing an airplane and flying it to the Bahamas, where he crashed the plane. In an interview, the mother said, “If he stoled [yes, she said ‘stoled’] the airplane and can fly, I’m proud of him flying.” WHAT??? My mother was embarrassed to death one time when I wore white shoes after Labor Day. I can only imagine her horror if I stole (or stoled) and crashed a freakin’ plane! What the hell is wrong with people these days? Yes, be proud of your children, but if they are international felons, then perhaps you should temper that pride with a little bit of discipline. This sounds like one kid who needs a good old-fashioned ass whoopin’.

And that is what has gotten on my damn nerves this week. Let me know what you think!


  1. omg. thank you so much for your things that get on your damn nerves. I have just been laughing throughout eating my lunch and thanks, food looks gross when laughing.

  2. Yes, I was TO wearing a bra when I through all those F bombs around, but I soooo flushed my poop! How the eff do you steal (stoled) a plane...You always crack me up