She walks, she talks, she crawls on her belly like a reptile. She's almost human. It's.....THE OPTO-MOM!!!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Snakes - YIKES!!!

This may seem totally random, but I just wanted to let everyone know that I absolutely HATE snakes! I got an e-mail this week, and it included pictures of some beautiful wildflowers. I was thinking how beautiful they were and how fortunate we were to have such wonderful things in nature to appreciate and enjoy. Then I scrolled down the to last picture, and….SONOFABITCH! There were an assload of freakin’ snakes nestled in all of those beautiful flowers!

Oh, good Lord! Now I was going to have slithery, slimy dreams for at least a week! Shit, shit, shit! Why wasn’t there a warning that there was more to these pics than pretty foo foo flowers? I think warning people about these sorts of things should be a law, seriously.

I sincerely think that snakes are evil. As Waterboy Bobby Bouche might say, “Snakes are the debil.” Perhaps I’m some sort of saint, and that’s why I can feel the evil emanating from these reptilian creatures. Or…ummmm…maybe not.

I’ve never liked snakes at all, but during the past couple of years, it’s actually turned into some sort of phobia. I tried to look up the name of the snake phobia online, but as soon as I pulled up the page, guess what kind of picture was on there? Yep, you got it…an effin’ snake! Back button, back button! Where the hell is the f*cking back button????

What kind of people make these websites? Are they sadists? Apparently so, because they put a picture of a damn snake on a freakin’ website about snake phobias!!! What the hell? Why would they do this? Was the picture really necessary to describe the phobia? Are there people out there who don’t know what snakes are? Putting that pic on there has got to be one of the most dumbass moves I’ve ever seen, and trust me, I’ve seen a lot of dumbass moves.

When I finally drank enough rum to recover from that damn picture, I had a friend look up the info for me. The name of my particular phobia is “ophidophobia.” Well, don’t I feel special now? I’m no longer that chicken shit, crazy, snake-fearing woman….I am officially (self-diagnosed, of course) an ophidophobiac.

My dear web-surfing friend also threw in this little tidbit: Medication and psychotherapy will play an important role in the healing of the snake phobia. Hmmmph. I think she was trying to tell me something, that bitch!

I think what turned my extreme dislike of snakes into a full-blown phobia was several events last summer. We had 3 snakes on our front porch! One night, I was walking out to my car in the carport, and there was one of the little sonofabitches right by my tire! I took off running and actually ran right out of my tennis shoe. Did I go back for my shoe? Nope! Am I big fat chicken? Errr, nope! I’m an ophidophobiac, remember?

Another time last summer, I pulled into the carport, got out of the car, and there was a big fat, nasty snake right on my front porch. I hauled ass back into the car and called the police. Yes, they laughed at me and told me it was just as scared of me as I was of it. BULLSHIT! I didn’t see that little bastard peeing in his pants. Not that I peed in my pants…well, not much. Stop laughing at me! I have a disease!

During the third instance that sealed my fate as an ophidophobiac, I didn’t actually see the snake. My daughter saw it and told me, so I sent my husband out there to handle it. Screw women’s liberation! This was definitely a man’s job!

Several people told me that snakes hate the smell of mothballs. (Ummm, who doesn’t hate that smell?) So anyway, I got 8 boxes of mothballs and surrounded the front area of my house with these little white spheres. It looked like a severe hailstorm had struck the area. My husband said it was overkill for such a small area, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I was also told that snakes hate the smell of sulphur, so I got 2 big bags and sprinkled sulphur all over the front yard. Now let me tell you, the combined smell of mothballs and sulphur was absolutely awful! I swear to Gawd, it smelled like old ladies and Satan when you walked up to my house. However, we didn’t see another snake all summer! We also noticed a marked decrease in the number of Jehovah’s Witnesses that came knocking on our front door. Guess they don’t like the smell of mothballs and sulphur either!

So it was a win-win situation all the way around. My dear hubby bitched about the smell, but my little protection efforts made me feel better, so he just dealt with it.

Now I start my anti-snake preparations in May and continue it through the summer. So far, so good this summer! I still crack the door open and peek out onto the porch everytime I need to walk outside, but I do feel much more secure than I did prior to this little ritual. And you thought I needed drugs and psychotherapy! Ha!


  1. omg, I was rolling with laughter over it keeping the Jehovah's Witnesses away too. ahhahahahaha

  2. Ha ha! Would have loved to see you run out of your shoe...Girl, can I borrow some of your moth balls? It's like Grand Jehovah's Witness Central Station over here...And I'm petrified of the snakes, too, stepped on one as a kid and have never been the now you've diagnosed us both! You should charge...

  3. Angie, you're right! That will be $150, please! hee hee And I'll even throw in a box of mothballs and a bag of sulfur for free!

    Dazee, I heart you! You always make me feel amusing!

  4. I feel your pain. Growing up we always had at least 4 snakes a summer in the driveway. My sister has snakes and sends me pictures of my daughters holding them...AACCKK!!!! I don't THINK SO. I am with you...they are nasty little demon seeds.