Anyone Know of a Good Place to Bury a Headless Body?

I remember as a child, if I did something particularly annoying or stupid, my dad would often comment, “Now I see why some animals eat their young.”


NOT that I ever did anything annoying or stupid. I probably never did…well, almost never…though there was that one incident involving the cat and my dad’s electric razor….


Whatever! So, I’ve recently been researching female animals that eat their mates. Mostly because I’ve decided to kill and eat my husband.

{GASP!} Before you send me e-mails filled with shocked outrage, you have to hear these two little anecdotes:

Episode 1: ANNOYING THE OPTO-MOM

To be honest, he probably could have gotten away with this one as a stand-alone affront. Our nine-year-old, Miss Smarty Pants (MSP), was going to work with me one day last week - ahhh, gotta love Spring Break! The night before, she was picking out her clothes to wear the next day, and she comes in with some maroon shorts (that were waaaay too small) and a yellow t-shirt with pink and blue screenprinting. And green blinged-out flip flops. None of this stuff even remotely matched.


Now, I’m not one of those moms who subscribes to that mamby-pamby, let-your-child-wear-whatever-they-want-so-you-don’t-suppress-their-creativity-and-individuality bullshit. If you’re going somewhere with me, your hair will be brushed, your face will be washed, your freakin’ clothes will MATCH, and no booty shorts, for crap’s sake!


Doing what all children do when one parent says, “no,” MSP went to get her daddy’s opinion on her fine ensemble. She returns looking smug and triumphant. “Daddy says it looks fine.”


So, she’s taking fashion advice from the local Ralph Lauren. This is the man who, when we were going out to a nice restaurant, and I asked the inevitable question, “Is that what you’re wearing?” replied, “Well, I hosed my flip flops off with the garden hose.” Yeah.


After much whining (on both our parts), we settled on the yellow t-shirt and some denim shorts that actually fit. I let her wear the green flip flops, because they were light green and could almost pass for yellow, but she had to paint her toenails because they looked crusty.


The point is, the appropriate father response regarding fashion should always be, “Whatever your mother says. She’s a fashion genius.” {Preening in my sweats.}

Episode 2: INSULTING THE OPTO-MOM'S ASS

This is the one that really made me want to go all praying mantis on the husband. We were folding clothes, and he held up some jeans, and asked, “Are these yours or Miss Smarty’s?”


Now, Miss Smarty is really thin, so I was initially flattered that he could even remotely mistake my jeans for hers. I smiled my most winsome smile and replied that they were mine. I might have flirtatiously batted my eyelashes, too.


Then the husband said, “No way! You can’t fit all your junk in these pants!”


Dude, sometimes it’s best to just stop while you’re ahead, or I will have to re-introduce The Stank Eye.

If that doesn't work, or if I have PMS, then this will most likely be the result:

Seriously, don't jack with me.