I’m a risk-taker, people. A rebel. I walk on the wild side. I’m kinda like Charlie Sheen with my Adonis blood. Winning!
I was at our local Wally-World Friday night, and had made it through my shopping without contracting the Ebola virus, so I was pretty pumped. Then I got to the cashier…
[Bom bom BOMMMMM]
That was supposed to be an ominous soundbite there. Did ya get that? I considered using the theme from Jaws, but I didn't know how to spell that music.
Anyway, the cashier (Mesha) was a young lady, probably in her early 20’s.
As she was ringing up my purchases, she began chatting with me. She told me she really wanted to go out with her friend after work, but her boyfriend was coming to pick her up. I was nodding politely and sympathetically.
I should totally be a therapist, or something, and get paid for this shit, because people are always telling me their personal business.
Pay attention now…this is where it gets really good.
Me: Maybe you can just text your boyfriend and tell him you’ll see him tomorrow.
Mesha: I don’t really want to see him tomorrow either.
Me (sensing drama): Really? Are you mad at him?
Mesha: Yeah, he gonna want to have sex, and I don’t want to.
Me: …………oh.
Mesha: Yeah, I done tole him I was on my period last week, so I can’t use that excuse this week, too.
Me: ………uhhh, no, I guess that wouldn’t work this week.
Mesha: Yesterday I tole him I had some weird shit coming out my coochie, so he backed off.
Me: ……… {trying to fake a polite smile, but probably just looking constipated} …….
At this point, I’m thinking that if she had weird coochie stuff yesterday, then the boyfriend probably isn’t going to want to get near said coochie today, right? Ah, contraire…. Casanova had other plans. Read on!
Mesha: He said we can just do it in the butt tonight.
Me: …… {mouth hanging open, not even trying to look polite now} …..
Mesha: Last time we did that, I tole him it hurt, ‘cuz his dick was too big to fit in my bootyhole.
Me: ….{OmigodOmigodWhyIsSheTellingMeThis?}
Mesha: Then he tole me I was boring! While we was still doing it! Can you believe he said that?
Me: {finding my voice} Honey, you are the least boring person I’ve met in a while.
Mesha: So I just been doing it with my friend, and girl, he appreciates every second of what I got.
Me: Awwww, that’s…ummm…sweet.
Mesha: Yeah, but about my boyfriend, I think I’m gonna dump that zero. It’s just hard because he’s got a nice car.
Me: Well, you have to go with the person you like best, and not the car you like best.
Mesha: Hey, that makes sense. Damn, you smart!
Me: Oh, ummmm, thanks and good luck with…like…all of that…you know…stuff.
So I left feeling brilliant and just a little dirty after that whole conversation WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER!
You can’t get herpes from talking about sex with a Wal-Mart cashier, can you? I shoulda bought more hand sanitizer....and Lysol...and Valtrex.
